How do I help my 9 yr old daughter accept that I am dating and that it is getting rather serious?

Question

After 5 yrs of not dating at all and remaining celebate, I have found someone I truely care about and actually love. My 11 yr old son is thrilled, since it was his idea that I start dating, my daughter on the other hand is having a really tough time with it. Their father lives over 500 miles away, and over the last 5 yrs has had less and less communication since he has remarried and has a new baby- so my daughter is afraid that if I get married ( it is rather early to go there) that she will mess things up. How can I reassure her that she is still my kid and that she will always be loved and that the man in my life will add, rather then take away, to our family life ? Any suggestions will be helpful.

Hi guys - I love your answers, but I should clear up a few things.
1) my kids have meet him and have gone with us on outings, like mini golf, movies- and she was fine with it, in fact she likes him, and asks when he is coming over-
2) My kids will always come first - he understands that as he is very much a parent to his kids , although they are pretty much grown. two of his are in college and the youngest is 14 and lives with his mom.
3) I waited 5 yrs before even thinking about dating - 5 yrs- no sex, no cuddling, no one to just talk to at the end of the day. My son wanted me to date because his dad married and he said that if dad can have someone, then I needed someone, and he likes having a man around to talk to. My daughter was brought into the conversation, and she was for it- at first. Waiting until she goes to college - yikes - she's 9, that means I have to wait at least 8 yrs- my mid 50's.
4) my dad & Ma split - Ma disapperred, and I was a foster kid 8 yrs- I know pain.

Answer 1

Another sad broken home situation. How depressing with their dad.

Answer 2

When my dad and one of his girlfriends broke up, her daughter was devistated. She started dating a guy shortly after, and the little girl (she was 12) HATED him, because he wasn't my dad. She threw a lot of fits (she was like my step mom, and still is, so I was there for EVERY SINGLE ONE since I like lived there) A lot of her getting over it was because he told her that he was there to stay and she could make it easy, or hard...and that he loved her and the only thing that would change was that him and her mom were together, her dad would be her dad (a drunken @sshole) and her mom would always be her mom. They have now been married for 3 years, she still doesn't LOVE him, but she is past making a huge deal over it....just buckle down and don't give up....your daughter will realize that she does not make the problem, include her in what you guys do and show her love and affection with him in the room, so she knows you love her even when he is around.

Answer 3

There really is no way getting around this situation, maybe you could try sitting her down and just discuss it casually with her that her mom has found a person whome she loves and who loves her back and her two kids as well, sad but you cant force her to accept that, sometimes kids or children get scared when their parents get into a new relationship with someone new, you can try going out with her and your date and hopefully they can bond, maybe it would help as well if he could tell her or assure her that he's love for you isnt gonna change and that even if he's not their real dad he can always be their friend and that he'll love her and his brother like his own, if your date can find your daughter's sweet spot maybe she'd be more comfortable with him and with your relationship and hopefully she wont be scared anymore, and eventually she'll loosen up and see that everything is gonna be okay.

Answer 4

Tell her what you said above........... "reassure her that she is still my kid and that she will always be loved and that the man in my life will add, rather then take away, to our family"

That said, I am a step parent and also a step child. UGH. It's a sticky situation. I always told my husband I may not know exactly what to do but I do know what NOT to do based on my experience with my stepfather. Some things I can suggest.... don't let your new man initiate any kind of discipline.... ever. That's your job and I've told my husband the same. He should do the disciplining. Not only is it his responsibility to his children, but it is NEVER taken well from a stepparent. I know this from being a step child ........ (later, Dr. Phil confirmed it). Never allow your new man to indicate in any way, shape or form that he is more important than your kids are, in your eyes. He might struggle with some jealousy of your devotion to your kids but ......NIP it in the bud. That's his problem, not theirs. Reassure him in private. No PDA's in front of the kids for many years to come. Don't EVER let them hear you having sex. I could prolly think of a few more things but these stand out the most for me. Hope it helps and congrats on your newfound love.

Answer 5

First of all, never put a man ahead of your kids. Since you have been dating him for awhile bring him over to meet the kids Kids are smart and know if he is a fake and phony. Allow your daughter to feel comfortable in her own time. Keep the lines of communication open with her. Let her ask questions and never allow him to spend the night. And assure her you love her and that her feelings and opinions matter. In time she will come to accept this relationship. And who knows,she will be giving you advice on what to wear, how to do your hair and all that girly stuff.

Answer 6

I am really sorry, i think your making a HUGE mistake. Your daughter has no father, and now all the time you spend dating is time your children miss with you. I think your assumption of your partner adding to her life and not taking away is incorrect. She is losing the time she needs with you. Your son may be more of the independent type, but as we all know, every child we have is different. She is needing you more then your son is. Being a wife to someone else, will take away some of her time. That scars her, and it should be a warning sign to you to not take this relationship any further.

When young girls don't get the proper attention, they act out the only way they know how. At her age, she may throw tantrums, or just get really bratty. Once she reaches her teen years, she will seek that attention from outside sources (boys) and that's not a good thing.

My recommendation is that you wait until your youngest is off to collage until getting back into a relationship. All the time missed away from your children now is time you will NEVER get back.

Just think on it.

Good Luck

Answer 7

Try to plan activities which include your children, and--if your friend has children include them as well.

It will take time. She is 9 years old, and most of what she knows about situations like yours has probably come from soap operas or other less than wholesome and accurate sources.

Be honest with your children, and talk to them together and individually about your social life.

Make sure you tell your kids you love them at every opportunity. (Parents should do that anyway.)

I think when your daughter sees that dating is making you happier and that the relationship does not threaten her relationship with your that she will gradually come around.

It's very good that you care enough about her to seek advice. You might want to look into family counseling if this looks like it will lead to marriage.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 8

Hi there, I would just be honest.. Tell her how you feel about this person and that whilst you would love to share your family time with him, it will never replace the bond that you have with her or your son.. You are entitled to have a life even though you are a parent... (as crazy as that may sound!) She may feel threatened by this new comer, she has her position in the family, and now that's about to change.. Reassurance is the key, once she sees your son accepting this change, you will find she will follow.

Good luck and congratulations! :)

Answer 9

Is she a time-honored born? they have an inclination to decide to take over and lead the different little ones. this is her character and while she receives older she will learn how to temper it and be a competent in charge supervisor or chief of a company and get issues carried out in a well timed way. that's what little ones like that are made for.. so in case you punish her what does that say? She has to handle sluggish workers.. nagging mothers and instructors yet she will't spur human beings on? hmmmm

Answer 10

my daughter who is 5 and i go through that over and over!!!! she doesnt think its ok for me to date because she isnt..... and to be honest love and attention is the only thing you can really do.. shes 9 so she is capable of understanding that mommy wants to be happy but loves her and her brother "most of all" just make sure that while dating this man that you are giving her her equal share and that he is sharing himself just as much with her as he is with you. Time heals everything and I have found with my daughter small doses is best at first! This is aparently someone u are fairly serious about so just make sure your daughter knows you love her and spend time with her and make sure that he is willing to give her just as much attention..... I have a thing about not letting anyone visit (someone im exploring a relationship with) unless my kids are sleeping.... Then if it comes time to meet the kids i do it kinda in a non confrontational way.... dinner somewhere.. movies etc. i think your past that though so like i said its all about time spent with one another!!!!

best of luck

Answer 11

Sounds like you already know how to handle it,

"reassure her that she is still my kid and that she will always be loved and that the man in my life will add, rather then take away, to our family life"