Being a mommy, but not a mother?

Question

My boyfriend and I basically live together. He has custody of his son, and I am the main "female" figure in his life. I have always dreamed about being a mother, but not to long ago I found out I couldn't have children. His son has started calling me "Mommy". At first I cried....I don't want to tell him not to call me mommy, but I don't want his actual "mommy" to get mad that he is calling another woman "mommy". She is a pretty absent part of his life, but I can imagine that it would hurt her. Has anyone been in a situation like this, and if so how did you handle it?

HIs dad thinks its awsome that he finally has an actuall "mommy" and said that she doesn't really have a right to be mad, because she is the one who choose not to be an active part in his life.

BELIEVE me, it's not that I don't want him to call me mommy, I cried because I now know how much of an impact the love and attention I show him makes a difference in his life, and being called mommy made me feel awsome.

Answer 1

It is tragic that his mother is absent from his life, but that may change at some point and the child could be left confused or embarrassed if he was misled to believe you are his mother. And yes, it could sting very deeply for a woman to find her child has adopted another woman as his mother. It is wonderful of you to recognize this.

Right now his mother is missing from his life and he needs to fill that void. It may help to keep a photograph of his mother in the home and speak of her often in a positive way. Tell the little boy his mother loves him and wishes she could be with him. He may feel lost or abandoned. Personal feelings about the biological mother must be set aside while you do what's in the best interest of the child. If you involve her memory in his life there may be less of a void in his heart.

I agree with the others that another term of endearment could work just as well... If your name was Jane, then "Mama Jane, Mama J., Jane, Mammy, Mimi, Nene, MumMum, .... etc. Whatever it is, just chose a name that is different than what he will call his natural mother to bring clarity and order to his life. Don't remove the word Mommy from his life, but re-direct it... make sure he knows and recognizes his Mommy by involving her with pictures and words, making sure he feels loved by her. He will be more complete this way and you will avoid damage control later if his mother enters his life again.

He obviously feels as close to you as a child to his mother and wants to express this to you. When this happened with my sister and her stepdaughter, she and her husband chose not to correct her, but simply continued to refer to my sister as Laura. She would respond to the child when called, Mommy, but did not encourage it by calling herself Mommy. Eventually the girl called my sister, Laura... and over time your stepson will also adopt whatever title you and your boyfriend chose to use for you - without ever correcting him. Just be consistant in how you refer to yourself "Would you like Jane to give you a bath?" etc.

Your little boy is so fortunate to have such a loving woman as yourself in his life... or should I say, you are blessed to have one another. You can embrace your new role as a primary caregiver and "stepmom" without needing the title of Mommy. The fact that he loves you as a Mommy should warm your heart enough.

Take care.

Answer 2

Well my take on this may seem a little more blunt than some but here goes. It is great you show the little boy the kind of love he is obviously not getting from his biological mom, and I am genuinely happy about that, but if you and the father of the boy really want to have an impact then get married. You are living with one another so hopefully there is some sort of commitment and by marrying you are bringing a stable situation to the kid. A two parent household...now think about that.......having two parents.... in one house.... all the time... provides stability and emotional security not to mention consistency regarding who is who in his life. Ans such important things as instilling values and discipline. Beside that, if you marry then guess what...you are officially a step mom. And what a great thing for the kid not to mention some benefits for you. But not marrying just makes the whole situation too easy to be wishy washy about things. People are generally more motivated in being a husband or a wife or a parent when they aren't just living together but by taking the step to say "yeah...this is what i want to do and this is how I will have a positive impact on this kid". If on the other hand you don't or can't marry this guy then stop the kids confusion and move out...I know that sounds blunt but think about what confusing message you are sending to the boy. I wish you good luck!

Answer 3

Well I don't have personal experience but I could give advice. You should talk about the situation with the father first and see what he thinks of the situation. If you want to handle it in a child like way. The best thing to say is that you are his other mommy. That he is just that special to have 2 mom's. The mom he lives with and his real mom. You could explain it in a story like way, "That he was blessed with 2 mom's because (God) or Higher Power of choice felt he needed the extra love and attention." That would be the best was not to hurt anyone in the situation, that way you both can be called mommy, the harder part of explaining will come later. Don't sweat it. All the best.

Answer 4

I am a mother but not a Mommie. I gave my son to folks that could handle a child. They will always be Mommie & Dad. I am the mother. So what?? They went though all the scrapes & late night illnesses with him. They were good enough to share the baby pics when Steve found me, BUT she is & always will be the Mommie. She earned it & so can you.

Answer 5

He is so fortunate to have you a part of his life. Have a talk with his father to get some input about the situation. You could have him to call you mama and use your first name also, such as Mama Ann. A little boy that I nanny for calls me My Ann when he is talking about me to people.

Your boyfriend sounds as if he really loves and appreciates all you are doing for his son. I personally do not see the harm in this sweet little boy calling you mommy or mom. I know you have earned the right to be called mommy.

Answer 6

It sounds like this other woman, well call her the egg donor, lost the right to be called mommy a LONG time ago. The egg donor will just have to get over it. It may hurt her to hear her child call you mommy, but she has hurt the child WAY more by not really caring that he exists. Who cares about her feelings? The child feels happy and secure with you and his dad, whats wrong with the child turning you all into a "normal" family?

Answer 7

my daughter started calling my boyfriend Papi, that's what i wanted her to call him, because i didn't want her biological dad to be mad. Then one day she started calling him daddy. that was completely her choice and everyone including her bio-dad knew that. She is 4 now and just a couple of weeks ago she told me that Papi is her dad because he is the one she sees. it makes since, you gotta give it to her for the logic she used. Kids are smart. Hopefully your "sons" mother understands that it was the child's choice. Parents should respect the choices kids make. I would go ahead and let him call you mommy, telling him to do otherwise may send him the message that he did something wrong by calling you mommy. if you do decide you want him to call you something other then that don't just straight out tell him he should be calling you something else. Just refer to yourself as what you want him to call you. example: do you want momma A to read to you. and have your boyfriend call you that when the child is present as well. that way the kid will just pick it up. I am happy that he is calling you mommy it shows that you are doing something good with him. God works in mysterious ways.

Answer 8

Giving birth to a child makes one a mother caring and loving a child makes a mommy. Perhaps go with something special to ease confusion and hurt feelings, such as mama or something that reflects mommy, another word for mommy. It is nice that you are considerate of another womans feelings. Regardless if she is in the childs life or not you are kind to think of her, I admire that. Remember she is not in the childs life for a reason. This child is lucky to have your kind influence.

Answer 9

See, my hubby is not my DD's bio-dad and bio-dad is pretty much absent in her life.
She was 2 1/2 when she met hubby for the first time and SHE decided to call him dad after 2 days knowing him - nobody ever implied, that he'd be her new daddy or whatever, she just decided, that she wants him to be her daddy - just like this little guy decided to call you "mommy".
Don't worry about it - it's ok. Children figure things out faster than we think. My DD figured out her birthfather pretty fast.

As long as you're always honest about you not being his bio-mom, it's ok.
My DD knows, that she still haves a father, but my hubby is "daddy" and they have a very close relationship, but she also knows, that she can ask us whatever questions she might have about her birthfather, and we'll answer them honestly.
She knows that, if she ever wants to meet him, we'll do our best to arrange a meeting.
We told her, that there are different forms of family out there, that for some kids "father" and "daddy" is the same person, but that for others, "daddy" and "father" might be 2 persons, and both is ok.
My ex is not particulary happy about DD calling my hubby daddy, but it was my ex'choice to abandond his daughter, not hers, not my hubbys choice. He can visit her, but never did so far.

If the bio-mom of your little guy is angry about him calling you mommy, it's not your problem, but hers. She's absent, so all your BF and you have to worry about, is the little boys wll-being, not hers. She made her choice, just as my ex made his choice.

Later on, he'll likely ask for the "Why?".
We told DD, that some people are just not made to parent a child, and her father is such a person. We never badmouth him. Hubby won't adopt her, before she's 12, as we want her to make an informed decision.

Good Luck to you!

Answer 10

He is very fortunate to have someone like you in his life and it sounds like you would have completely understood the other women if she was to ever find out that her son is calling another women mommy... but as long as your boyfriend thinks its ok than you should be fine but make sure you and your boyfriend let his son know when he gets older what the situation is... good luck