I love funny people. Can you tell me something funny please?

Question

Im in need of a good laugh. I just worked 18 hours at dialysis

Answer 1

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15
years. He breaks into a house to look for money and
guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair,
while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
wife:Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his
clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and
hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how
much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong,
honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any
vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.

Answer 2

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small
island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts"


A girl came back home from the school and asked her
grandmother, "Granny, what is a lover?"
"A lover?" the grandmother said. "Let me think. Lov.... Lover....
Oh, my God!"
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a
hidden closet door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a
young man fell out from the closet.

A drunk got into a taxi and told the driver, "Take me to The
Piccadely Hotel."
The taxi driver turned round and said, "But we are at The
Piccadely Hotel, we're parked right outside it." 'That's fine then,
but next time, don't drive so damn fast!"

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two
words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the
words?"


Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his
examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them
anything."


Q: Why do people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get
older.
A: They're cramming for their finals.


Hope you liked these
Best Wishes,

Answer 3

Ways to Know you're Cheap!
--------------------------------

You attend a weekly coupon club.

You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months.

Fast food is your idea of fine dining.

You spend more time counting change during a single week
than you spend at church.

You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a
nickel.

You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten
years.

You take the pennies from the container next to the cash
register.

Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because
you love that fifty-percent discount.

Matinee. Every time.

Ramen flavors correspond to days of the week in your home.


its more funny if you can relate to it but i like it..

Answer 4

Sponge bath

A woman is in a coma.
Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touched there.

So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him,
"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they will close the curtains for privacy.
Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks so he finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor shows a flatline... no pulse...no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says,

"....I think she choked."

Answer 5

theirs a Bernette, blond, and a red head and 3 guys r chasing them. The girls run and hide in a barn. the Bernette hides behind a cow. The red head hid behind sheep and the blond hid in a sack of potatoes. The 3 guys come in. one guy says I'll check by the cows. The Bernette say moo moo. The second guy say I'll check by the sheep. The red head says baa baa.. The third guy said I'll check the potatoes. The blond says potatoe potatoe. HA HA HA Isn't that funny

Answer 6

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."

Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Answer 7

Back in the days of pirate ships,...

One day, a sea captain and his crew were sailing the bright blue sea, carrying a shipment of coffee and tea. All of a sudden, the ensign in the crows nest bellows out, "Captain, there's one pirate ship off the bows end!!!"

The Captain then calls to his first mate, " Grab me my red shirt!"

During the day, a few of the captains men were lost but by the end of the day, they were victorious.

The next day, the captain hears from the crows nest once again, "Captain, two pirate ships off of the bows end!!!"

And just as the day before, the captain calls to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

A few more of the captains men were lost but were once again victorious.

That night the entire crew had a party over their past victories. One of the ensign walked up to the captain and asked him, "Captain, before our victories during the past two days you asked for a red shirt. Why?"

The captain then responded, "Well, if I get wounded in the heat of battle, I dont want the men to give up hope by seeing my wounds." The ensign then responded, "Wow, you are a great captain!!"

On the third day, the crew woke up from a drunken sleep from the previous nights party, with ten pirate ships surrounding the captains merchant ship.

The captain then bellowed out to his first mate, "Bring me my brown pants!!!"


Q: How do you get a blonde to fix your roof?

A: Tell her that drinks are on the house.


A blonde, a red head, and a brunnette decided that they were going to swim across the english canal. After about 8 hours the red head made it across first. Two hours later, the brunnette made it across.
After about 16 hours later, the blonde finally made it across. The red head asked her, "Well, what took you so long?"
The blonde answered, very angrily, "You two cheated and used your arms!!! We were supposed to do the breast stroke!!!"

Answer 8

500$

Two couples were playing cards one evening. One of the husbands, Jerry, accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Ray's wife Shaniqua, had her legs spread wide, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jerry, upon trying to sit up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jerry went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Shaniqua followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jerry courageously admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jerry indicated that he was indeed interested.

She told him that since her husband, Ray, works Friday afternoons and Jerry doesn't, that Jerry should be at her house around 2:00 PM, Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, Jerry shows up at Ray's house for sex with Ray's wife at 2:00 PM sharp, and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and have fantastic sex, just as Shaniqua had promised. Afterwards, Jerry quickly dresses and leaves.

As was his habit at 6:00 PM, Ray returned home from work. Upon entering the house and encountering his wife, he asked loudly, "Did Jerry come by with my money?"

With a lump in her throat, Ray's wife answered, "Oh yeah, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when Ray curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?"

In terror she assumed she'd somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, she replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me five hundred dollars."

Ray, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Shaniqua by saying, "Good, I was hoping so. Jerry came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Answer 9

What was sponge bob for Halloween?




A: Swiss Cheese!!!! LOL!!

Answer 10

Something funny.