Is this grieving process normal for the loss of a twin?

Question

My good friend recently lost his twin brother, and his sister-in-law. He's the only family left to look after his 21yr old nephew and 16 yr old niece now, who are very upset.

People say the bond between twins is like no other, and the pain of twin loss is excruciating. But the thing is, he's not sad. He's actually rather calm and stoic, but he's usually this way. At most, he's less talkative than usual. He hasn't shed a tear, or talk in any way about his feelings. He insists he's fine, and focusing on 'celebrating their lives'.

I tend to think he's just putting on a brave face so he can put his nephew and niece first, but it's almost worrying. Is this grieving/healing process normal? Is there anything I can do to help?

Answer 1

I am an identical twin, and my sister has just been diagnosed with cancer in her liver, lungs, and uterus. I am devastated, panicked most of the time, and have uncontrollable fits of crying. I cannot bear the thought of not having her in my life. She's been my best friend for 56 years, and that's not counting the nine months we began building our bond before we were born.

Be there for your friend, but don't pry or push. Let him grieve in his own way. He has to be a Prince to care so deeply for his niece and nephew, and could probably use some kind help from family and friends with prepared meals, gifts of groceries, and a night out every once in a while. Chances are, this precious soul will come undone and will need a strong shoulder and caring friend to help him get through his loss and pain.

My precious sister has been so strong through this whole thing. Your friend and she must have very strong inner-spirits. You are a tremendous friend. May the Creator hold all of you near and surround you with Angels. Annie

Answer 2

There are normal cycles of grieving but everyone goes through them at a different rate and some people don't go through all of them. Depending on how recent his loss was he may believe that he won't grieve in a normal way no matter what.

I have a friend who lost her husband suddenly and she was a lot like this. She was strong for her kids and didn't break down. She handled all the details of the funeral and a relocation for the family with dignity, grace and stoicism. It wasn't until over a year later that the "normal" cycle hit her.

All I can say is be there for your friend and watch out for him. He may never go through anything we would consider normal grief but that doesn't make it wrong or any less painful. But be prepared because the usual emotions of anger and abandonment may hit him anytime.

Answer 3

It sounds like he is just putting his best foot forward for the sake of his niece and nephew, but everyone grieves differently. Who knows once things settle and the new life with the kids becomes adjusted, he may fall apart. The best thing you can do for him is make yourself available. Don't push the issue, but let him know that when and if the time comes and he needs you, you'll be there.

Answer 4

You are assuming that you know how a person is supposed to grieve. His way of grieving is different from yours because you are two different people. Allow him to deal with his grief in his own way, but let him know that you are there, just in case he needs support.

Answer 5

Some people take longer to grieve. I agree he probably is brave in front of his nephew & niece.
Just be their for him when he needs you...

Answer 6

Offer help, but everyone grieves in their own way. It is wonderful you are so concerned about your friend.