Best Joke gets 10 points...?

Question

i don't mind any jokes....anything thats funny plz

Answer 1

Q.When a lawyer is talking, how do you know he is lying?
A. When his lips move

Answer 2

A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is undone. The woman kindly says,"Excuse me sir, but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper. He decides to play into her unusual comment, "Excuse me ma'am, when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman responded by saying,"No, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffel bags."

Answer 3

A son moves his father into nursing home for the first time and feels really bad about it.He calls the next day to see how his first day went."This place is the best.It was time for my sponge bath and this hot nurse came in to give to me.When she took my clothes off she noticed I had the hugest hard on and began to give me a handjob.Can you believe it?This place is heaven".Feeling at ease, the son replies"I'm happy for you dad and I'll call you later".Later that night,the father calls his son waking him up."Get me out of here now".Confused the son asks why."Igot up to go pee and I fell.This male nurse came in and had his way with me while I was helpless on the floor.Now get me out"." But dad,what about the nurse,you have to take the good with the bad"."You don't understand son, I get hard only about three times a year,but I fall down at least 6 times a day"
I tried.

Answer 4

In preparation for Saint Patricks Day:



Three little Irish boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.......they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptized us?"

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked thier heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."

When they to outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are? We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." "We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are? ....... Why, we're Pisscopalians."

Answer 5

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders voda and coke on the rocks. So while he's drinking he hears the door open. He turns around and a panda in an overcoat sits down next to im. He says to the panda "Are you really here, or am i drunk?" the panda goes "no you're good still". So the man looks around trying to look at everything except for the panda. The panda hands his glass to the bartender and pulls a gun out of his coat. He shoots 3 people and then says goodnight to the others and leaves. The man looks at the bartender and say"Man, i must be drunk." but the bar tender pulls a dictionary off of a shelf and reads, "Panda:Eats shoots and leaves."

Answer 6

Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.

Termite walks into a bar and says "where's the bar tender?"

What do you call a termite who eats everything? A Goddamned gnaw-it-all.

Answer 7

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Answer 8

What does it mean when you are bored?



When you are sitting at the computer and asking if people will tell you jokes, and when someone answers telling you that you are bored, you give them 10 pts. ♥♥♥♥♥
lol lol lol


I deserve the 10

Answer 9

A blonde comes home from work to find her husband having sex with another woman. the blonde picks up a gun off the the table and puts it to her neck. her husband yells, "HONEY, DONT'T DO IT!" and the blonde says back, "SHUT UP, YOUR NEXT!"

Answer 10

This guy walks in a bar and sits down to have a drink... Well, these two girls are talking about them being lesbians. The guy chimes in and asks them what a lesbian is... So they tell him that they like to kiss girls, suck their t*** and stuff. So, the guy yelled out, "GET US A DRINK FOR US THREE LESBIANS!!!"

Answer 11

Q: Why did the old man put his car in the oven?
A:He wanted a hotrod