Would you hate your mother-in-law for this?

Question

When my husband was a kid, his dad (my Father in law) had post-vietnam stress disorder. He would beat his kids, my husband included. For some reason, I can forgive my FIL for this--- he was sick and needed help. I can't fogive my MIL though. I hate her for it. She knew about it all along and did nothing. Allowed her kids to be beaten for YEARS. Would you hate her for this? My husband has forgiven her. I think she's a selfish, controlling woman. Never have liked her. Never will.

For everyone who said "back then" women weren't allowed to get themselves out of such situations, I am talking about the EIGHTIES! Not the fifties. She had jobs of her own. She could have done something about it, but she chose not to. I'm not unkind to the woman-- I put on a pleasant face--- but deep down I hate her. If someone ever touched my kids, that would be IT. I would be out of there. I think there IS a crime in being "weak"... especially when kids are involved. She's the same way with her grandkids now (we don't have any, but my husband's sisters do). She could care less about those kids. And I could care less about her.

Answer 1

You have no right to judge her, you cannot for one second understand what she was dealing with. An abusive husband with PTSD who returned from a war. If your son can forgive her you need to figure out a way to do the same, it will only cause problems between you and your husband. You cannot hold this against her, it is not your place. You were not there, it is not your past. You can say to yourself, I would have done things differently but people make mistakes and parents are no different. 20 something years is an awfully long time to pay for mistakes made when you were young and under such stress. Be kind and forgive her, hatred is a heavy burden on your own soul.

Answer 2

If the kids had it bad you have to think about what it was like for her. It was a different time then. She probably stayed with him for the kids or because she had no other options. She is probably controlling because she has/had no control over her own life. It was the father that did the beating why not be angry with him. Besides if your husband has forgiven her it is time you do too. This is not your family it is his and after all he has been through, it's still his mother. Knocking her probably doesn't help your husband either. Watch out the more hostile to his mother you become the more like her you will become and you dont want him to start to look at you the way he looks and remembers her. just smile and nod at family functions, be courteous and kind. You don't have to go bowling with her but that is your husbands mother, like it or not

Answer 3

Maybe because you dislike her, you never thought about forgiving her or even gave it a try. You should let go of the past; you have forgiven the father. In those days, women can hardly speak up. It was time of turmoil and depression. It is like junkie mother dont take care of their children. But they should be given a second chance to start all over again. Just like man who is dead in sin regenerated by Christ. Take the initiative to talk to the mother and ask her why she didnt act up. If you give it a try to bond and figure it out, you might find a way to let it go. If your husband can forgive her, i think he understands the desperate situation. As a wife, you can submit to him as well. Remember, unless you learn to forgive, how can u ask God to forgive u? We are all naturally deceiving and sinful. But we also have the time to redeem ourselves by God's grace. God bless yall. Let the past go, and live for the present and future. You are a total stranger to all the answerers, but we gave it a try to help u.

Answer 4

Think about what he must have been doing and saying to *her* also, tearing down her self-esteem to nothing. My father is an alcoholic with PTSD from Vietnam so I know what I'm talking about. Cut her some slack and *talk* to your mother-in-law and get to know her. Try to show some compassion, you weren't there. You apparently have other issues with her, too, if you can forgive the father and not the mother. PTSD is a family illness, not just his.

Answer 5

Similar situation with my grandpa and my dad. My grandma sat around and watched. Never did a thing. "They" say back then that the woman did not have much of a say so. I know things were a lot different back then, but when it comes to my kids, I don't play. If my husband ever "beat" my child, you can bet your a$$ I ain't gonna sit around and watch. I think she should be ashamed that she sat back and did nothing.

Answer 6

Well it is a hard situation, maybe she was just not a strong enough woman, there is no crime in being weak, believe me i see your point i get so mad when i hear about women just allowing their children to be beaten, but if your hubby is willing to move on maybe you should try.. maybe talk to her and tell her how you feel and how you want answers.. maybe that would give you some closure! Good Luck..

Answer 7

this is a common problem. sometimes, the woman have no place to go, in some cases, the kids would be better off with the abusive father rather that moving around and the mother having a constant job.

Answer 8

Personally, I think you have a legitimate gripe against her, I think it is grand of you to empathize for your husband who had to endure this darkness.

For your husband's sake, I would tolerate her presence and DONOT cause an arguement. Talk to your husband about this as well, ask him what he believe is appropriate regarding his mother. If he agrees and she goes off making stupid comments, you may then have the green light to verbally slap her around a bit.

Does your hubby talk about it with you? Is he having problems with it? Some do, some don't, it is imperative to keep the lines of communication open.

Personally I think she is trash and doesn't deserve to even be a part of her son's life....

If my wife thinks that my tone of voice with my son is too rigid, she jumps in and talks to me about it.

He is a happier kid for that.

Answer 9

I'd feel the same way.

But, sometimes we have to just accept that our parents made big mistakes. Most parents do the best they know how. Even his mom. As sad and stupid as this may sound, she may not have had any idea how to better the situation. It's a tragic story, and I'm sorry to hear your husband went through it. I wish you both the best.

Answer 10

It could be that your mother in law was afraid of him. I would find out all the facts before I went too far with the disapproval. It could be that your father in law beat her as well and the kids had no knowledge of it.