family hates me?

Question

im 18 years old, recently had a miscarriage which i didnt take in quite well. Because of my culture i am not allowed to go out with boys or have any contact with boys. when i had the miscarriage i was in hospital so i had no choise but to tell my mum. she was angry ...with me ..she wasnt concerned about my health or how im feeling she cared about what are people going to say if they find out.. she told me she was glad i miscarried. needless to say two days ago my sister spat in my face my mum came running upstairs and started beating me with a shoe. before my sister liked my boyfriend was always nice to me and now this sudden change of her hating me and the fact i go out to see him. my mum and her always shout at me to stay at home and clean. havnt been to work for two weeks now.. havnt been eating properly and whenever im at home NOBODY is talking to me. :(

mum is also planning an arranged marriage for me... she dosnt care wether my bf is good to me or not all she cares about is what other people gonna say!! helpppp :(

Answer 1

Wow ok so let me see if i can help here. First things first let me tell you that i know exactly what you are going through when it comes to the miscarriage. I have had one myself and i know that it is not an easy thing to deal with. I am truly sorry for your loss. As for everything with your family, They are your family and they love you no matter what even when things are rough. And i am sure that the way they are reacting is because of the fact that they do love you. Your probably thinking that i am crazy now, right? well let me explain. They are worried about what people are going to think, not only about them, but about you as well. And even though it is definitely not the best way to go about it they are trying in their own way to protect you from it all by making you stop doing what you are doing. Now i am not saying that they are right, but at the same time they are not wrong either, even if it is only because their intentions are good. And your sister well i cant tell you exactly what she is thinking but im sure she is only acting that way to keep herself from getting in trouble. I mean if your mom found out that she knew about you and your boyfriend and she didnt say anything about it, than your mom would be mad at her too.

As for you and your boyfriend, you are 18 years old and therefore you are an adult! You can do whatever you want and whatever makes you happy. Its your life and you need to be living it for YOU and what pleases you, not everybody else. If you love him and want to be with him, and he is treating you right, then dont let anybody stand in the way of that! I truly believe that family is one of the most important things in life, but happyness is the MOST IMPORTANT! If your family is going to stand in the way of your happyness then you are going to have to choose. You can choose to please THEM and be miserable in an arranged marriage with some guy that you have absolutely NO feelings for and probably cant even stand to be in the same room with. And that would make them happy again, but you have to live with being miserable for the rest of your life. OR, you choose to be with the man you love and stand up to your family and tell them that you have made your decision. They are your family, and as such they can NEVER stop loving you, they will get over it and eventually accept it. Then you can all be happy. I mean think about it. Even if you drop your BF now its not going to make everything go away. people are still going to talk about it, and you are still going to have to deal with it. You are still going to be the "social outcast" the only difference is that you will be going through it completely alone and with nobody to turn to for comfort.

If you really love your bf then stand up for yourself and your relationship. They might not understand at first, but they WILL get over it sooner or later. And you deserve to be happy and to be in love with whoever you want to be with. I life without love and happyness is no kind of life at all. Dont cheat yourself out of it. You will only be even more miserable than you are now. And that misery will not go away whereas if you just stand up to them and then wait it out it WILL get better!!!!!!!!!!


Well i hope that i have been able to help you in some way. If you still want to talk or have any other questions that you would like my advice on feel free to e-mail me. [e-mail]

Answer 2

You are 18. Why do you continue to let your family control you? It sounds to me as if there is some resentfulness here. You must do what is best for you to maintain a level of peace.
tell your mother you wish to talk this through and although you feel you may have disappointed her with your actions, you are the one that has had to suffer for it. First the loss of a child and now the loss of your relationship with her. Let her know you love her, but need her and her support moreso now then ever.

Also, you are at the age where you can make your own decisions, right or wrong-- so that you can grow. Live your life and that may mean being out on your own, when you feel the time is right. And do not leave, if you decide to go, under bad terms. Keep your peace, hold your head high, you have made some mistakes early on, now move forward. With or without the support of your family and you will blossom into a mature and healthy woman that believes in herself. Stand up for yourself, but in a loving way. And do not take anymore beatings with a shoe. You are not a child, regardless of your culture, you owe it to yourself to display SELF-RESPECT.

Answer 3

I feel really sad for you. You must be feeling torn apart
with knowing what to do. If you leave they disown you -
if you stay, they beat and bully you. I KNOW which
option I would go for.
You are young and have your life ahead of you. Get Out.
Seek help - hopefully your boyfriend will help you. Find
somewhere safe. Use contraception. Then Counselling
for the baby you have lost. This is a time when most
daughters would be able to have their mother love them
and make them feel safe and be telling you that all will
be well and you will have another baby one day. BUT
you are obviously of a different culture. And it is the 21st
Century. I hope you find a solution soon. Be brave. And
take the advice of a lot of people on here. You are 18, and
though young, you will cope and get through this awful time of your life. Good Luck.

Answer 4

My advice would be to get out of there IMMEDIATELY. It doesn't matter if you have to make your break in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep and then have a taxi pick you up. Truth to the fact is, you are an adult now and she legally cannot imprison you in the house like that, nor has she any right whatsoever to force your hand in marriage. Get the number of a women's shelter and call the place(behind your family's back if you must). Once you leave, don't look back for any reason. You deserve better than that, and the women's shelter can help you rebuild your life- in the real world.

Answer 5

Well, your parents decided to raise you in a western society, now they must deal with the consequences. Teenage pregnancy in muslim nations is very high, however it occurs within the institution of marriage so that the best interests of the forthcoming child (being legitimate, having two parents, etc.) are protected. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with putting the needs of the children of a society above the needs for carnal pleasure, raunchy entertainment, and the fulfillment of our own selfish individual wants. The good of the child should always come first. I think it is better to abort even than to have a child whose life will be hard from the get go for simply not having a father. Many of such children grow up to occupy jail cells, rehabs, skid row, strip clubs, and then go do the same thing you did and create some more screwed up people. Single motherhood is hard, and usually the kids are screwed up watching their mother chase after losers because no decent man desires a woman with children, especially born out of wedlock.

I wouldn't want to live in a muslim society, because I do not agree with everything they think especially with regards to women, but to want a baby to be born to two committed parents is not wrong. She is worried what people say because obviously your people still have what we used to know as "shame". Shame died round about the 60's in the west and morals have been in decline since. Looks like shame is a very good deterrent to bad behavior.

Just think if you had not miscarried? Do you really think your boyfriend would have married you? If he would, then why hadn't he done so already? Life would be alot worse right now if you had not miscarried.

As for your current situation, you must realize that you live in the west. You can't take part in the corruption and not take the reponsibility that comes with it. You should move out of your parents house and pay all your own bills. If you want to have sex, then you must act like an adult.

Everyone who has responded to your question hasn't even addressed the fact that you live under your parents roof and got pregnant. Are we so decadent that this sort of behavior is now regarded as normal? No wonder muslims can kill us so easily we must look like scum to them!

Your mother is extremely angry because you disappointed her. She expected better from you. You can either A: act the way your mother expects you to act since you do live in her house, or B: leave home and pay your own bills and take responsibility for yourself and thus have the right to make all of your own choices.

I really hope that you learn something from this. As well, if you are going to have sex outside of marriage, use birth control.

Answer 6

Can u not go or seek help it's not law for arranged marriage think more of ur self there's help out there 4 u i had a misscarriage the only person i was worried about tellin was my son who is 12. I would help u. AS 4 UR so called sister well and mother they r not fit run run as fast as u can thats wat springs to mind if i could tell u where i live you could come here it's such a shame dont let ur self get weak eat u will need all ur strength wat about ur fella go get some help as soon as u can dont go home there are places both of u can go together u will get the help u need and will b able to get ur lives toghether u have rights pleasssee dont hesitate go do it now .

Answer 7

If you agree with the cultural mores of your family you shouldn't be having sex with the boyfriend. If, however, you don't intend to live according the the beliefs of your family's culture, you are free to do as you please. If your boyfriend truly cares for you and you care for him then you could leave home and be with him. Be sure before you make a move, though, that he is not interested in you just for the sex. If he is, he wouldn't be dependable enough to leave your family for. It's a sad situation that you have been thrown in to and I hope you can figure out what is best and have a happy life.

Answer 8

* Are you kidding you are 18 !!! And she has no right to touch you go to the police and file a report , GET out of there or you are going to have a life of misery and regret it for the rest of you re life and hate you re self for not doing something about it , Run away , go live with you re bf something but what ever you do Follow you re heart , you dont want to wake up one day and think what you could have had if you had taken a chance , dont be afraid what people say its you re life and no one can tell you who you can love not even we can control that , Just Take a chance and leave , report you re mother for abuse and leave get a better life Pls do this if you have a bit of respect for you re self , Good Luck i hope this helps and pls listen to you re heart not what people want you to do *

Answer 9

Your family is disfunctional. You need to get out of there, and stay out immediately, and phone the police, because you are being abused very badly. Try to move to a place as far away as you can. If you can't phone the police, talk to a friend or someone you can trust, about this. You deserve a better life, than the one you got right now.

Answer 10

For your own safety and mental health you really need to get out of there, Im sure there are refuges and shelters where you can stay until you find your own place. What your family is doing is abusing your basic human rights and using your race/religious background as an excuse. That is disgusting! I suggest you go back to work as soon as you can and save whatever money you can in order to get yourself out of this situation as soon as possible. I wish you the very best of luck

Answer 11

I don't know what your nationality is or your culture.but I don't want to speak bad about your parents either God has put them in your life for a reason.But my oppion I think they are wrong for treating you that way, it is a hard thing to lose a child,they should of shown more love to you and supported you through this.I'm not say that having a baby without geting married is write either.I wish I knew your name so that I can keep you in my prayers,I still will OK.