has anyone a good joke or something to make me smile pleeeeeeeease?

Answer 1

Typical English 40 something male, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is,until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.
"I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

" But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, Avery unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home.
Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman.

"I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing
right now,

Something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes .. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
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Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well"

ps. I'm English put English male cos we have Sky Sports no offence intended.

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Answer 2

I HAVE ONE!!!! ☺

okie dokie...

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

HERES ANOTHER


Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Come Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Come Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Come
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

TEEHEE!

Answer 3

hello sweetheart. Heard a good joke today, but too long-winded & visual to tell here. But some good advice if you'll take it - always check out this category of Q&A, you'll find some great joke-tellers here & they're by & large a friendly bunch too. Easier said than done to just 'smile',
Bit of an old trick, but often works - try something simple like imagining the last or next person you see (boss, neighbour, storekeeper) in a really stupid, elaborate costume or even naked!
Hope you're smiling soon!

Answer 4

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.

How did the frog with no legs get across the river?
rrrrrfROWBOAT

What's the difference between a hormone and a tuna sandwich?
You can make a tuna sandwich.

Why do blonde women have so much trouble going to the restroom?
They're not used to pulling their own pants down.

Answer 5

hope this makes you smile....
a guy takes a bus trip of blind people on a day out, he stops at carnival in the country, park up and says that there is a green where he gives them a football with a bell in it to kick around, they have excellent hearing.the guy goes to a shop and tells the blind people to stay there till he gets back. the guy goes to the shop and buys what he want and the till operator says, what is the point of bringing blind people on a day out. the guy says, well they like the experience of getting away, smelling country air etc. oh ok the till guy says.
next second a man runs into the shop yelling that theres trouble outside. he says, theres a load of people kicking the crap out of some morris dancers. the bells on their costumes sound like the football. ..............bit long winded but i laughed when i was told it

Answer 6

the 1st onez form of insulting Momz. So, ill provide 7/10. the 2nd onez form of ok. - 8/10 the different 3 have been astounding- 10/10. The 5th one - Broccoli makes persons fart?? Oh my gosh!! I in no way had that have. I dont like Broccoli nonetheless. It tastes undesirable. authentic undesirable

Answer 7

jack and jill went up the hill,so jack could lick jills fanny.
jack got a shock and mouth of c#~k ,cos jills a pre-op tranny

Answer 8

Do you know what a scotsmin wears under eez kilt??

Answer 9

smile you are on candid camera,sorry yahoo answers,lol

Answer 10

whats got one wheel .two legs, and flies?
a barrow full of horse muck!