How can a loving parent deal with a kid that lies and breaks your trust?

Question

To me, this is terrible, frustrating, lets me really down. He's 15 and I know he's a good boy, but is going through a difficult phase. I don't know why he lies so much. Unfortunately now it's hard to trust him.

How can I deal with this and change him without destroying our relationship forever? I was a teen too and I know how hurtful it is for a teen to know his parents don't trust him or her anymore. I know this is devastating, so I want to do something to show him it's not worth lying and breaking promises, that I'm disappointed and that this fatally has hard consequences. But I don't want to break his spirit and so I want to let him know that I still love him and he'll have my trust back if he sincerely decides to change.

Answer 1

God Bless. Actually, I know a thing or two about child psychiatry. There are a few things that need to be established, however. Firstly, ask yourself if you have ever done something to your son which put him in a position where he felt he NEEDED to lie?

Secondly, what were the conditions under what he lied about and what did he do?

Thirdly, you are right, this is no doubt a hard time in his life, but boundaries need to be reinforced. If you don't do this, your relationship will be shattered.

It doesn't seem like it, but he really needs a father figure in his life right now.

You can email me at [e-mail] for a little more advice after I know the conditions. Good luck either way!

Answer 2

WOW! How do I say this with spice? Well, here goes---------
My daughter and I were very close from childhood to early teens. At that time she became totally unmanageable. I did my homework to find that she had become mixed up with the wrong crowd and began experimenting with drugs. (this should be a wake up call for you)!
She lied, stole money, and many other serious events. This was definitely not the child I raised nor was it in her to act this way. Drugs were taking over!
As a parent, I felt it was my obligation to put both feet forward and do everything in my reach to right this wrong!
My first approach was to put my foot in some of these "other" peoples a@sses and set them straight where they stood and to what extent I would go to protect my daughter from their grips! Instilling fear is definitely a great tool when used appropriately!
To make a long story short, I saved my daughter from the clutches of these misfits that their parents obviously had no interest in their life's!
My daughter has since found her niche in life and has a wonderful daughter to boot!
My advice is to get to the bottom of the erratic behavior and then stand your ground! Beyond that, only Dr. Phil can help!

Answer 3

the more the parent tries to control the behavior it seems the more the teen will move toward that behavior. u will have to tell him how u feel about his lying, there has to be consequences for lying, let him know your there for him, and he doesn't have to lie to u, he lies to avoid getting into trouble or hurting u with the truth. turn over the responsibility to him, let him suffer a few consequences for the lying, set limits. tell him what u expect from him but that your willing to negotiate with him, if he isn't doing what u want him to do, cut back on what u do for him. when conflict comes, the parent can say lets erase that and start over. communicate with the boy, let him know its safe to talk to u, just let him know how much it hurts u that he lies to u. set limits, if he lies let him know that there is consequences, like he will have to give up something he likes to do.

Answer 4

This is a very difficult situation. Personally, I would let him know how disappointed I am in his behaviour (it's important to seperate the kid from the behaviour - you're not disappointed in him, just his behaviour). He will need to earn your trust and you need to find small ways for him to begin doing that. For example, give him a curfew and remind him you're trusting him to stick to it. If he doesn't there needs to be a consequence, as well as your letting him know you are again disappointed in his behaviour. You need to give him opportunities to change his behaviour and at the same time regain your trust. Be consistent, it may take a while but will be worth the effort. Good luck.

Answer 5

We have to deal with this sort of thing on a regular basis as foster parent to teenage boys. About the only thing you can do is provide structure and consistancy. Provide definate consequences and stick to them. No matter how hard it is. Be patient and try to pick your battles. You can't win every battle but you can win the war, so to speak. Open communication is key here too, even if at first it seems that your the only one doing any communicating. Good luck to you! Its a hard road, but its worth it in the end...

Answer 6

My son is almost 15 and I know what you are going through. Trust and respect have to be earned.This works both ways. Let yours know that. Have rules that can be kept and consequences if they are not. The consequences should reflect the behaviour you are trying to mange. Don't go daft and ground him for a month for getting home a little late.
I am thinking of putting my 9year old up for adoption. I don't want to go through those teenage years yet again.

Answer 7

I stopped trusting my parents when I was 13 (I'm 32 now btw) because they lied to me. So, I lied to them, it was a two way street. Your son probably gets it from you and you don't realize it. Unfortunately, our society encourages parents to lie to their kids constantly. Simple things like telling your child that they won't get presents from Santa if they don't behave is a lie. Kids catch on to this deceipt, stop to trust their parents as much and learn the behavior.

You can't change what your child has become, you can only deal with what he is now. He will grow up eventually and he won't need to lie to you anymore. Besides, all 15 year old boys lie to their parents.

So, make sure that you are being honest (in all things) with him to set a new example. Also, be patient, your son will turn into a fine man despite his teenage misbehavior.

Answer 8

holycow i hope you're not so melodramatic when you talk to that boy, --yes i know a lie is a sin, so-meet him on his level-say
' I think you are lying, now, life will still go on even if you lie but YOUR life will get all tangled up and someday you'll wish you had told the truth from the beginning, so I am telling you to not lie, and have integrity'
Sometimes people lie because when they told the truth; the consequences were too harsh to tolerate. Next time he lies don't make a hugh issue out of it--when my dad would find something out--he'd discipline but then get on with life--where as my mom would go on and on forever--so l LEARNED not to confide in her as i grew older.

Answer 9

First of all you have to assure him he's not going to lose your love, but also let him know how disappointed you are that he would feel he needs to lie to you. There should be nothing he can't tell you. Be sure not to over react if the truth is shocking, but it is what you want to know none the less. Remember of course this is a growing phase for both of you so be patient.

Answer 10

first of all you have to remember to be his parent before being his friend. anywho one thing you can do is really tell him how glad yyou are when he does keep his promises that way he'll see that when u ask him to do something it's because you really need him to. show him how lying to you can cause great consequences. you not knowing where he is, getting calls from teachers saying he didn't do homework he told you that he did. and let him know that even if the truth isn't what you expected it's what you want to hear i know i fib to my parents alot because i don't want them to be disappointed because i didn't do what they wanted me to do. but never anything serious