jokes? please?

Answer 1

jokes

Answer 2

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far .........
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
will take you.

Answer 3

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah! God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 4

A man buys some land in the country and decides to become a chicken farmer. His neighbor kindly offers him a batch of chicks to get him started. After two weeks, they're all dead. So, his neighbor generously gives him another batch. When his neighbor comes back a week later to check in, the man tells him, "Well, the bad news is, this batch all died, too. But, the good news is, I think I know what I'm doing wrong. I must be planting them too close together!"

Answer 5

here are some good one and bad on listed a bad joke friday
go to >www.bobandtom.com

Answer 6

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the **** are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

Answer 7

The local preacher came calling on Mrs. Paul, "I haven't seen you at church lately, so I thought I would stop and see if everything was alright."

"Oh, everything is just fine, Reverend. Sunday is the only day my husband has off. He likes me to stay home so that he can put his head on my chest and hear the angels sing." she says.

"Are you kidding me?" the preacher asks.

"Why don't you try it and see."

So he puts his head on her chest and replies, "I don't hear the angels singing."

"But Reverend," she says, giggling, "Of course you can't. You aren't plugged in yet!"

Answer 8

hom many men dose it take to hang jesus?

just one.depending on what size the picture is. got you didnt think i meant the real deal did ya.

Answer 9

A farmer had a spare field and decided to grow dildo's but unfortunately he got squatters.

Answer 10

a pirate walks into a bar with a stearing wheel attached to the zipper of his pants and he goes to the bar and orders a drink....the bartender replies, "yah man, but can i just ask you one thing? why is that stearing wheel on your crotch?" And the the pirate says "arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"