My fiancee's kids are unruly, I have talked to him but....?

Question

His kids can be unruly and disrespectful in rude rude ways....name calling etc......They pretend they like me and when they go back to their moms they text message me rude rude things and name call. I am upset over this. My fiancee says he will do something about it. I however don't know what to do or say to the kids. It is basically ONE boy mostly. He is a terror sometimes. I am so nice to all of them and this is what I get in return? It hurts. What is your advice for ME? Serious answers only please. This is really going on and is not getting any easier for me. My child doesn't act like this to my fiancee'. The mother of these kids thinks it is okay for them to act this way.

My fiancee plans to talk with the boy as soon as he stops hiding behind his mother and comes to visit again........it is a long story but this 11 year old boy is just unruly to every degree. I don't want to have my child in this situation if it going to be like this however. I just want everyone to be happy and the kids be respectful. The X is a miserable woman with allot of problems and putting that onto the kids. I feel she is mostly to blame and she is aware of what she is doing to turn the kids against me. I have known these kids for four years. It is not like I just met them.

i have to him about what the boy is texting, he is going to talk to the boy. The boy hasn't come to visit like he should because he knows he is getting in trouble for talking to me like that on text msgs. My fiancee straightened out his other son and oldest daughter and they are fine with me...just not the middle child.

YES the mother has made it clear she hates me. She tells the kids so and me and my fiancee too. She is nasty and disrespectful and allows her kids to be the same. It is truely sad. I do not fault the kids I fault my fiancee and his x wife. I however am put in the middle ( because we are engaged) and so are the kids. yes, I know this. thanks for your answers.

Answer 1

have you considered sitting down with the child to ask him why he sends rude text messages? or do you act like it didn't happen when you see him?

perhaps if YOU ask him, he will take the time to think about it... i'm not sure...

the child is jealous of you, i'm sure. in a child's eyes, you are taking their father away from them.....and the child probably doesn't understand his own behaviors. he is just reacting --and if his mother is saying bad things about you and his father, her influence isn't helping.

don't go out of your way to be "nice" -- just go about your life, do what you have to do when the kids are around. enforce your rules and try to be consistent. kids don't respect us because we are "nice" or "giving". they are just like everyone else, and who you are as a person is what they look at when it comes right down to it all.

your fiancee and his ex created these children and the (rude, misbehaved) people they are today... you had nothing to do with it...

how do you know the mother of these kids thinks it's ok for them to act this way? has she told you?

i hope your fiancee does deal with this issue. i understand it has to be difficult for you....

Answer 2

In my honest opinion, your fiance should have never let it start. He should have demanded his children respect you and any other adult for that manner. The mother is just as guilty since she thinks it is ok and more than likely encourages it since you are their soon to be step mother. That is another sad story in its self. Unless your fiance really starts to work with this child and demand he respect you things will only get worse. You are very wise to protect your own child from seeing this because he/she will think it is ok.

The behavior of this child is not acceptable but you have to also take into consideration what he has been through. His own parents got divorced and now his dad is getting remarried. The others may accept it but this child may be having a hard time with it. Your fiance should have a private talk with him and ask him what he is feeling about you and the upcoming marriage. Alot more factors come into play when you have a blended family. Blended families are a TON of work. I know this first hand. Perhaps getting your family into some counseling will help. I think you should really think this through before getting married and make sure you are up for the committment it takes to be part of a blended family.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Your finance is the only one that can put a stop to this regardless of his x wife. Look at it this way he has 2 choices sweep it under the rung or resolve it by making his son accountable for his actions. This kid is 11 not 3 he should know right from wrong. In a way this is a good thing because if he can not handle this then there is your clue to what your marriage will be like. Then you need to decide if you want to live like that. If he takes care of it , then problem solved.

Answer 4

The mother sounds as immature as the kids. Really the only one who can put a stop to this is your fiancee. I know if my son was doing that, I'd threaten to at least take something away from him if he sent one more text message, and I might even wear his *** out.

The kids are probably doing this because they feel like if they liked you, they would be dishonoring their mother. On one hand I kind of feel bad for them, but at the same time there's no sense in the name calling, etc.

Answer 5

I just want to point out one thing...if your Fiancee hasn't nipped it in the bud by now....what does that tell you about your future together?
You know I can't blame these kids they can't at all be happy their father is sleeping with another women besides their mother. I don't' think they like the fact that your in the picture. And well you can talk to them until your blue in the face but in their minds right now...your still the OTHER WOMEN haha. Ya kids who are unruly and talk back haven't been raised properly. Their mother and their father...yes your fiancee are in charge of raising these kids. Not very effective parents are they?
Well good luck.

Answer 6

It is 100% the parents responsibility to raise respectful children. I would advise you to think twice about marrying someone who is incapable of disciplining his children.
Show dad the text messages. Tell him you expect his children to treat you with the respect that you give them. Don't bother trying to talk to mom. I doubt it would change anything and would probably exacerbate the problem. If she cared, she wouldn't have allowed it to get this bad. These parents are doing a great disservice to their children by allowing this behavior. They are being taught that it's ok to disrespect people.
I have 2 step kids and believe me, if the parents don't step in, it doesn't get better. We've been to counseling and I was told I had NO say. That's extremely difficult considering my stepson is still living here. If your husband isn't doing much about it now, I doubt he's going to start once you get married. I would strongly advise that you get some counseling to help with this problem. If the children are going to be living with you, you've got a really long road ahead of you. I wish you the best but be prepared.

Answer 7

They are obviously testing you to get a rise out of you, but it sounds like the kids are not really the problem....rather its your fiancee. You should ask yourself if this is the situation you want to put your child in? Is it really worth it to risk his happiness? If your fiancee doesnt set out the ground rules for his kids behaviour towards you and your child then move on. He is not for you if he doesnt think you are both worth his time to fix this problem. His wife needs to be addressed to so that their kids can see that it is not acceptable to be rude to you.
My God you plan on marrying him ! If his wife and kids cant accept it then I would seriously tell him that there will not be any wedding until his kids grow up literally.

Answer 8

After 4 years, his kids are still acting like that and his plans is he's going to talk to them. Dump him, this should of been stopped a long time ago.

Answer 9

Your fiance needs to take care of this NOW otherwise you're going to be miserable. You're going into this family for the long haul and regardless of how much you love each other, it's going to be bad for you if he lets his kids get away with this. Whatever you do though, don't let them see u sweat. They need to know that you're going to handle this in a mature fashion, and not resort to calling them names back.

Answer 10

If you have reared your child/ren to be respectful and to be great children, WHY would you even consider having them around children who are being coached to BE bad? If your fiance's children cannot treat you with respect, then, it is up to you to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Of course, the ex-wife sounds as though she is helping the children to be really awful to you. She will always be there.......to cheer the children on to behave this way towards you. If the children cannot treat you with respect and be disciplined, then, they do not belong in your home..........until they CAN be. Are you SURE you want to continue with this? I'd worry that my own children would be totally confused as to what was o.k. to say and to do, with the other children being so 'bad' on purpose, to please their mother. You just cannot have separate rules for his children than for your own, in your own home.