Did I Do The Right Thing? I Need To Know!?

Question

I placed my daughter up for adoption when she was born. I was in an abusive marriage and i was certainly not going to have my husband hurt her too. She went to a wonderful family who love her very much. I know i should have thought of that before i got pregnant but I did not. It has been over two years since then and my mother hates me for it. She says i was childish and made a poor decision, but I think I made the right choice in wanting to keep my daughter safe. Please tell me what you think. Did I do the right thing for her?

i placed my daughter 2 1/2 years ago up for adoption. i was in an abusive marriage and wanted to keep her safe. i was not emotionally stable to care for her and i was certainly not going to have an abortion. i did try safe houses and he found me so i certainly was not going to put others at risk. i would like feedback on if i did the right thing. My mother thinks it is so terrible what i did. I feel I did the right thing by keeping my little girl safe and with people who would love her just as much as I wanted to and did. I know i should have left my abusive @$$hole but it is a lot harder than that when he has the means of finding and following me. Please offer me some feedback on what you think.

i had her in 2004. hunter is my 5 month old son with a man who does not abuse me nor would he ever dream of it. moving in with my mother was not an option because she abused me when i was little. i lived with my grandma most of my life and she died in 1998. and i did have a restraining order and that is the reason he went to prison. he violated the restraining order 17 times. whats that say for the criminal justice system?

Answer 1

Is your daughter safe?

Is she happy?

Then what you did was right!! End of it!
You are only second guessing yourself because you miss her, you wish you hadn't given her up, and your mom is angry because that is her granddaughter and she had no control. All those things are valid.

But get back to the point - your #1 job as a parent to provide a safe, loving, stable home for your child. And even if you had left your husband - what type of stability were you prepared to provide. So giving her up was a good, mature, and selfless thing for you to do. It takes more courage to do the right thing then to try and raise a child yourself to her own detriment.

More mothers should learn from your example of maturity and selflessness.

Answer 2

You shouldnt doubt yourself. You did the best thing as having a child in a unsafe environment could be very traumatic for you and her. Your mother is wrong to hate you, she should understand what a hard time you must have gone through and how terrible the concequences could have been if you had kept the child.

Your daughter should be very proud of you as you gave her a good start in life without any abuse or pain. It would have been terrible for her if she had been hurt in some way and left with bad memories.

Don't put yourself down in any way, you made the right decision and should be very glad that you did so. You can still visit your daughter and spend time with her, when shes older she'll understand why you put her up for adoption and I promise she wont have anything against you.

I hope that has set your mind at rest. Maybe talk to your mother and try to resolve things, hopefully one day she will realise that what you did was for the best.

Never think of your daughter as a mistake and if your mother does then she should be ashamed. Your daughter is very precious and will probably add so much value to the world. If your mother thinks it was worng of you to have her then she should rethink. It is so good to see people not aborting children, everyone desrves life. I'm so glad to see that you gave your child a chance in life, she will be very grateful.

Answer 3

You did the right thing and in my eyes- you did the most LEAST-SELFISH thing a mother could do. You protected your child the best way you knew how- you put your child's needs above your own. You gave her the greatest gift in the world: A happy stable life. And dont ever think that your desicion was "childish". You didnt know where to go and you were suffering through an abusive marraige. THe way I see it- YOUR MOTHER is the one being childish by commenting on the most mature, selfless, adult decision you ever made in your life. If more people made decisions like yours- perhaps there would be less problems in the world today. Your strength is amazing and dont ever forget that. Hang in there! You did the right thing to not bring a child into a situation like that but surrender her to a better one. I am proud of you

Answer 4

Sorry to say this but your mother is an idiot. She should be glad you did what you thought was best for your baby and put it up for adoption even though you didn't want to and you saved your child from being abused as well. Hopefully your not still with that guy. Yes you did the right thing. Don't listen to your mother. Don't let anyone tell you what you did was wrong or a mistake. If you are with that guy still get out and go to a shelter for battered women.

Answer 5

I think that it depends on a lot of factors. I mean yes you were thinking of her well being and that's why you gave her up, but then again, there were other options. You could've walked away from your husband and made a life with your baby. Then again, it could've been a hard life, maybe you wouldn't have been able to make it and had to give her up in the end. There are all kinds of scenarios, anything could have happened. Maybe she would have been happier with you, maybe not, you'll never know. Don't beat yourself up about it though, think that she's with a good family that loves her dearly and YOU did that for her. Nowadays you hear in the news about an abusive husband, like yours, kills the wife and kids, and hey pat yourself on the back, you saved your baby from all that pain and heartbreak. Make peace withyourself and try to move on. Hang in there, I can only imagine what you're going through. I myself am a single mother of two, because I left an abusive husband, and it's hard as hell, so you could've been in my position, but you're not. Next time though, think it through, if you don't want to have to go through this again, then prevent yourself from getting pregnant. Good luck.

Answer 6

If you feel like you protected your daughter, and you know she is in a loving family situation, then of course, you did the right thing. Families, in thier grief, forget that placing a child for adoption is one of the hardest, but often most responsible decisions a parent can make. Have peace with yourself. You are the one who would be held accountable for anything that might have happened to your daughter in that situation. You made one of the greatest sacrifices a mother can make. You chose what was best and safest for your baby over what was easiest or most pleasant for yourself. You deserve respect and support for that. But try to remember that everyone involved with you will feel some loss over that child. It is normal. Use it to bond closer, not separate from each other.

Answer 7

In a way, you did the right thing in making sure that your abusive husband could not harm your child. However, what does that say about you? You are saying that you were too weak and foolish to leave him, so you opted to give away your child. Your child was the sacrificial lamb. You obviously valued him more than your child. You couldn't bear to be without him so you stayed for more abuse, but you could do without your child. The problem is not a matter of what was happening before you got pregnant. It's what happened afterwards. I hope you have removed yourself from this abusive marriage. Go for counselling. One day you may have to do a lot of explaining to that child you gave away.

Answer 8

Right or Wrong is hard to say. Yes, its good that she has a better life now than the one you could have given her. But if it were me, I would have left my husband both for myself and my daughter. Some people don't believe in divorce. But if you do, maybe you should have considered getting rid of him and keeping her.

I suppose if you couldn't do that at the time (seems you have now), then giving her up was a far better choice than aborting her or keeping her. There is no solid right or wrong. There is only levels of good and bad points. As for your mother... she's going to have to come to terms with it. But what people fail to understand is that our decisions in life not only effect our own life, they effect the lives of others as well.

Your decision denied her the ability to know her grandchild. And I'm sure that stings very badly. But you're both going to have to come to terms with your decision and move on. Its already made. There isn't any taking it back. You can't rewind time and make a new decision. Both of you will need to learn to live with what is already done.

You did what you thought was right. That's all anyone can do. Look at all the varied responses you got already. What is right for one person isn't right for the next. Isn't viewed as right. All we can do is what we feel is right and live with that decision no matter the results. Talk to your mother and try to explain that. Let her know that you understand her hurt, that you hurt too, but that you did what you thought best for your baby.

I wish you the best. Take care.

And Samantha, maybe her son came after her daughter and after she left her husband.

Answer 9

If I were your mom I would be upset. You should have left the marriage and started a new life with your daughter.

I think in the case you did what was right for you rather then your daughter. The moment you found out you were pregnant you should have walked away from the marriage , adoption is for those who can not afford a child or for those who were raped and do not want to keep the baby because it will be a reminder of what happened and stuff like that not because your in an abusive relationship.

If you are in the type of relationship where the guy threatens to kill you if you leave then you should of got help from those people who relocate abused spouses and there children.

As someone else said, you chose your abusive husband who has no respect for you over a child that will always love you and never hurt you.

Do you watch TV? More then half of the spousal abuse cases result in the wife murdering the abusive husband or the abusive husband murdering the wife..I really suggest you get help before you end up dead or end up killing him.

Answer 10

i symphathize with you. i think you did the right thing. it would have been wrong to put your daughter in an abusive situation emotionally or physically. it must have been hard to make that decision. but your mother should try and look at the situation like that. how would she feel if your husband had harmed your daughter. then she would have said you should have given her up. i really do think you did the right thing though.