Nosy family-fiance-Should I be upset?

Question

Well...my fiance and I just bought a house together. It's supposed to be done sometime next month. We're 22 and 23 yrs old..and we still have seperate bank accts, etc. His dad doesn't need to help him out anymore. He just graduated college, etc.. But where we've been living in apts, his bank statements still go to his parents' just to be on the safeside, so they don't get lost or sent to someone else down here. Now the thing that annoys me is that his dad looks through every dime he spends. He even makes little comments about what he does when we go home. You know, if he bought groceries or something, his dad'll say something about it, not sarcastic, but just seriously nosy and almost grudgingly. I haven't graduated yet..and I make less money..and it just seems like his dad kind of sneers at that. Anyway, I just feel that it's none of his business since he's out of college, engaged, and 23. Am I wrong to feel this way? I haven't said anything about it...but it just feels l

like his family is constantly being nosy...and they won't back off. His mom interrigates me about everything! His sister, goes and looks at my messages that ppl send me on a website, but doesn't add me as a friend JUST BECAUSE. I mean...where is the line?

And we're not allowed to be in a room w/ the door closed still (as if we're 15 yrs old)...and one day his mom did like 90 mph..cause we were home alone, and she didn't want us to have sex! I mean, come on.

no no no...we DONT have sex at his house! i would not disrespect them like that. but they're like cops or something. it's annoying.

Answer 1

I would stop having mail sent to his parents house. It is against the law for his father to open up his mail without him knowing. It also none of his father's business to look through your fiance's finances. Also sit down with your fiance and his father and tell him that you don't appreicate him looking though your mail and making snotty remarks about what your fiance spends his money on. Good luck.

Answer 2

Personally I don't see a valid reason to be upset with the soon to be in-laws with the possible exception of them grilling *you* on your life.

You fiance is choosing to send his bank statements home even though he knows his parents are going through them. If it bothers him that they question where he's spending his money than *he* needs to stop it. By keeping their address on his bank he's giving them implicit permission to continue opening them.

And the rule for no closed doors in their house... You're not married. Even though you live together and are probably having a healthy sexual relationship outside of their house, when you visit it's their house, their rules. It's not like you're 15 so you should understand that. They can't say what he does outside of their home but they can enforce their values in it and if that means chaperoning you two when you visit you have to put up with that. It only becomes a problem if they continue with the rule once you two do wed.

Finally, what you put up on a website is open for anyone with Internet access to see. His sister can visit your site as often as she wants if you've taken no steps to make it private. That's a reality you have to face. Don't put things in writing, especially on the web, if you don't want to take the chance that everyone will read them.

Answer 3

“But where we've been living in apts, his bank statements still go to his parents' just to be on the safeside, so they don't get lost or sent to someone else down here”

That makes no sense (literally…it makes no sense whatsoever that you would do this). Have the statements sent to YOUR address. That will solve a lot of the problems.


“we're not allowed to be in a room w/ the door closed still (as if we're 15 yrs old)...and one day his mom did like 90 mph..cause we were home alone, and she didn't want us to have sex!”

I thought you lived in your own apartment, but this sounds like you were at her house. When you’re at her home, she has every right to say “you’re not married, so don’t have sex in my house” (it doesn’t matter how old you are), and you should respect that.

As far as them being nosey…learn how to deal with it by ignoring them/blowing them off.

Answer 4

I had this with my mother in law when we first married. I finally had my husband switch banks and have them send the bank statements be e-mail so that there would be no problems. And once this was done there was a little tension but soon after they saw we were perfectly capable of handling things it was easier on our relationship. As for his dad looking down on you for the money you make, you might also be a little defensive or self conscious. Try to build a stronger relationship with his family and things will get easier I promise. Once you get married the pressure might also ease since you will not seem so temporary to them.

Answer 5

Sounds like your problems are just beginning with have future in laws like this. Any chance of moving to another state? Your soon to be hubby is going to have to set up the boundaries with them. That is his job as the man. I would suggest going ahead and changing his mail address to the new home. He is an adult and his parents shouldn't be opening his mail. That is a federal offense, you know? The main thing is to start establishing the boundaries now because they will get even worse once you have children if you don't let them know where there place is.

Good luck!

Answer 6

yes you should be upset.. this guy is is someone your spending the rest of your life with.. you should talk to the husband about this.. or you can talk to the in-laws and explain to them that you're not 15 anymore and you can handle things on your own..
They probably mean well.. but it's your life and your future at stake here.. this could get ugly when you're already married.. it's better to settle the issues before you tie the knot..

Answer 7

It sounds like his parents are having a hard time letting there son go and grow up. I dont think it really has anything to do with you, if he was dating someone else they would be like this to the other person. I think you need to sit down with your fiance and tell him how you feel, your fiance is the one who needs to draw the line and speak up!!!

Answer 8

You need to talk about it with your husband. Since right now you have seperate accounts, its up to your man what he does with his. But reassure him that when you guys get married and share accounts that No one will be getting bank statements but you two! Lay down the law and tell him that its no ones business but yours. But right now you cant have that on his account, since its not yours yet.

Answer 9

It is time to have a talk with your boyfriend. You need to draw a line and make sure he agrees. As to having to keep a door open, it's their house, their rules. Your finances and computer are your business though.