a married girl and I dated a guy too. It really hurt to see him with someone else. I do love him and he says he does not want to be with her. We got back together last fall. I know what he did was wrong as my beliefs are not to mess with married people. Should we try to reconcile things and move forward? We are trying but its hard for me to get over.
I know ultimately its not for me to forgive but god. Thats my belief - but should I be with a man so stupid? How dumb can you be to date a married person?
I do love him, and I have 2 options running through my head
1-forgive,let go, and work things out with him
2-move on
2007-03-07 01:11:19 · 18 answers · asked by baby_rost 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
IMHO, you should do BOTH those things in the order that you posted them.
2007-03-07 01:14:25 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know he upset you, but people make mistakes.
You both may have made one when you broke up.
Dating a married person may not be the brightest thing to do, but she dated him too, which is not as important to you, but is the greater error.
Kudos on your beliefs to not mess with married people. Married people should learn to not fool around until they are divorced.
You call him stupid, and dumb.
He may not have known she was married when he started dating her. Did you ask him? Did you ask him how he ended up with a person legally attached to someone else? Did you ask him how long he stayed after he knew she was married?
If he went in knowing she was married, well...God will forgive him, if he asks. Can you?
You say you love him, but will you be able to move forward, and let go of the past?
Many people have troubled & painful pasts, and presents. The determining factor in whether they can have a better future is how well they move beyond the what should be behind them..
Since you love him, (and I presume he still loves you, or you wouldn't be considering a reconciliation), go ahead with option 1. before you do, let him know how important being with someone who shares your beliefs is. Tell him that the married thing is a major issue for you. Talk about it, and see how he feels. Whatever you do, don't argue, don't be defensive, and don't be judgmental. After all, you were not together when he did this. That's a very important fact. Be patient and kind, and loving. Hear him out before you speak. You already know how you feel. But that's just one side.
And I hope no 3rd party told you things about him while you were apart. That is rarely ever good. What is or was between you and him should never need an interpreter, or an informer and you didn't really need reports on his activity (or he on yours) while you weren't a couple. Why? What good would that do?
You didn't mention why you broke up after 6 years. That info might have been important in advising you how to proceed. I have no idea if it was a mutual decision, if one of you broke it off, and if so for what reason...Background info is very helpful.
Even so, I would still go with option 1.
You both love each other, and you have 6 years of positive history together. If God can let it go, you should be able to find it in your heart to do so as well.
You are going to have to be extra loving, and patient if thoughts arise about your time apart. He probably will too. But if both of you work very hard you may find yourselves in a better place together than you were before you broke up.
You received a lot of great advice! lisateric, sassinya, bootsjean, landayi, gabrielj, so_sincere, averyhappilymarried woman, and even singlesdatingcoach gave answers you should consider.
Try to work things out. He deserves that much, and so do you.
I wish you both the best.
I hope this helps.
2007-03-07 01:51:46 · answer #2 · answered by 1985 & going strong 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no ultimately it is your place to forgive it is God place to remove the sin of him being involved with a married woman if he is truly remorseful for it.
I think you're just hurt at the fact that she was married, would it be better had it been someone unattached by law? Maybe jealousy is getting the better of you b/c you don't want to think of him in the negative that he could be so dumb (which he was lol). I don't know what you have to forgive being that you were dating someone else as well but if you truly love him and want to be with him again then talk about the past (why you two broke up so you won't repeat the same mistakes and talk about the post break up relationships and be HONEST about everything so no suspicion arises). If you feel you can't get over him being with someone else then it may be best that you move on.
2007-03-07 01:26:14 · answer #3 · answered by so_sincere 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off it is not yours to forgive.
1. he was not with you at the time so he did not cheat on you
2. what happened is between him, the married woman and GOD
You need to decide what the problem is from your perspective and deal with it. If it is the fact that he dated a married person then you are being petty. He made a mistake- don't make him pay for the rest of his life for it.
If it is the moral conscience of it all then maybe you really just don't want to be with him and this is your subconscience getting you ready to move on. Either way- you have to big enough to move past this one way or another.
Only you can determine if this relationship is worth it. Make your decision and do not let doubt keep creeping back in or you will be back and forth and that is no way for either of you to live.
2007-03-07 01:20:05 · answer #4 · answered by bootsjeansnpearls 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
ok let's look at this from a totally different angle. sounds like your breakup hurt him so he turned to something "safe." if she's married then there won't be a real relationship (unless u call sexual a real relationship) so he can't get hurt again. now he is back with u. it mite not have been the wisest choice he made with the married woman but hey everyone screws up sometimes. let it go. take things slow and make sure u truly love each other. however if it is something u truly can't get over then maybe u need to find someone else. u have your standards and the question is can u lower your standards enough to let this love in? good luck
2007-03-07 01:27:41 · answer #5 · answered by a very happily married woman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get past the dating a married person thing for a moment. Emotions cloud our better judgment sometimes and love/lust/attraction seldom conforms to society's boundaries.
Here are my questions to you:
1. Do you honestly believe you can ever let go of the past?
2. How much time do you already spend letting this issue consume you?
3. Is he so special to you (and vice versa) that you'd be willing to work every day for the rest of your life on making this relationship succeed the second time around?
4. He's not stupid. He's a human being with real emotions and physical needs. Women make the same decision too (the women he dated obviously did) and we all the same capacity. Are willing to stop judging him? Can you? Do you want? Or is this one way you're body and mind are trying to get you to wake up to the possibility that this relationship is permanently damaged?
As I tell my clients, the grass is greener wherever you water it. Are you willing to water it (and to deal with the occasional weeds)?
Good Luck,
Brian Norris
www.positively.biz
2007-03-07 01:27:16 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Everyone makes mistakes and your bf should not be an exception. You seem to love him so much and he, you too. By the time you separated, both of you found some one each except that his was a married girl. Since you still love him so much, forgive, forget workout things and move on. Life waits for no one. Good luck girl.
2007-03-07 01:20:33 · answer #7 · answered by gabriel j 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing wrong or immoral about forgiveness. However, do not expect to ever forget his misconduct. If you truly love him and he loves you, you will survive. This is a difficult one to get past, I have been there, however, we did NOT work out. Our relationship was on/off again for 20 + years. I still love the jerk and ask myself daily "WHY"? If your man is sincere, knows he made a terrible mistake and can remain true to you and makes you happy then stick with it. You must let him know that this is his only chance to redeem himself and if he should stray again, you are done. Good Luck sweetie, I hope it works out for you both.
2007-03-07 01:22:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you, sweetie, but...
Move on - this shows extremely poor judgment. If he can cheat with a married woman, what makes you think he won't cheat on YOU when your married? Find someone how shares the same values as you do - this is extremely important in a relationship, as is trust (and I don't see how you can trust him not to cheat unless you bury your head in the sand).
2007-03-07 01:16:44 · answer #9 · answered by I See You 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have no right to project your beliefs onto his actions, since they are not his beliefs.
It's not a matter of smart or dumb...its a matter of his moral code and your moral code. Some very smart people have affairs with married people.
If you are that different on this one thing, there may be a few other things you differ on...so might explore those as to how they impact on issues between you two, not on what he did while not with you.
2007-03-07 01:16:43 · answer #10 · answered by Captain Jack 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Girl it depends on him too. Do he want to move on with you? And if so then forgive him. That was the past, don't dwell on it. People make mistakes and do foolish things all the time.You live you learn.GET OVER IT!
2007-03-07 01:16:51 · answer #11 · answered by lmj747 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋