should i leave an long term sick and unhealthy partner?

Question

i am in my late 20's and so is my boyfriend, we've been living together for 2 years, when i first met him he was very healthy and outgoing, but 5 months ago he was diagonised with cancer, our carefree life was replace with constant hospital visit, pain from chemo and constant fear of cancer getting worse. Now i am not trying to be selfish here, but logically its affecting my life, my realithy and my feelings every second! should i stay with him because 'love' and 'its the right thing to do', or should i leave because i don't want to live in fear anymore? i fear his death, fear my own motality, fear future, is it a way of living?

Answer 1

I'm not trying to be rude but your selfish. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine loving someone and going through cancer treatment and him leaving you. how aweful you would feel. don't do it. suck it up and be with him. he needs to know there is hope and you can give it to him.

Answer 2

You have my deepest sympathy... no matter what you do, you'll be second-guessing yourself.

Why had you lived together for 1.5 years without being married? You had not made the 'til death do us part' commitment when he was diagnosed. It might be a technicality, but if you were test-driving a vehicle and considering buying it, would you STILL buy it if during the test drive the transmission fell out?

Do not stay with him because you think you 'should'.. only stay with him if if you love him, and want him, and are willing to go through this with him for however long it takes.

I've been married to a cancer survivor for 30 years now.. I was 20 when it struck. It's been a miracle that he's survived, but he's had many many surgeries and treatments, and he's plenty miserable a lot of the time. Only you know what is in your heart... but don't make the mistake of thinking.. I'll stick with him till the end, it will only be a few years. Improvements in cancer treatments have been amazing.. and he might well outlive you (being cranky the whole time!:(

Answer 3

I personally would never dream of leaving when my lover, husband, boyfriend, or friend was depending on me while he was facing the worse horror of his life. Leaving a person facing possible death rates as high on my morality and conscience as leaving a woman pregnant with my child. No its not a way of living but you will have to live with your selfishness for years to come. Personally you will do as you wish, but would you like to be left when the going gets tough? You can leave if God is good and saves his life then go. Its not about you right now and your fear. You better face this I am sure this will not be your first facing nor your last of pain suffering and death. This will determine you as a person, or a person of good conscience, kind heart, proper morals and good in Gods eyes. When he is cancer free, you will be set free as well and you can go, because this is NOT love.

Answer 4

I would say stay if you love him and help him live his life to the fullest! Live your life as though it were your last day to!!! Things come into our lives for a reason... I would say this is an opportunity to appreciate life. But if you end up resenting him every second then you won't be able to have fun. Bit think of it this way- what if his cancer gets better and goes into remission- how would you feel then? Just do the thing that will make you the best person you can be!

Answer 5

Put the shoe on the other foot for a minute. Imagine you have been dating a guy for 2 years and you really enjoy each others company. Then YOU are diagnosed with cancer and he says "sorry , it's affecting my life too much", Can you imagine what a devastating blow that would be? If you really love him, you wouldn't think twice about being by his side through this. I have been through many illnesses with my wife who is disabled and in pain 24/7. I would never have thought of leaving her because she needed me and I love her. You know, life will throw many twists and turns in your way over the years. You have to learn to deal with them. If you love someone, you are with them through thick and thin. I think you are being a bit selfish, although I know how hard it is to take care of a person with cancer. My Mom, Dad and
sister all have had cancer and I stuck by all of them. Your b/f will most likely come through this a better, stronger person and you would learn to be that kind of person, too, if you would put your own fears behind you and be there to love and support him.

Answer 6

Ask yourself some sobering and candid questions. If you were married to him would you leave? If you truly love him, regardless of not being married, don't you feel you want to stay by his side and support him? I mean, if you were married, the pain and fear of loss would not be any less. I think you are already committed to him emotionally since you are a couple, and you live together. It's not like he has cheated or done some other bad thing to hurt the relationship. He's very ill for God's sake, and true love and charity of the heart should be demonstrated by you. Wouldn't you wnat him to stay by your side if you had Cancer and not flee? How would that make you feel?

Now, for some LOGIC!

Say you are living together as you are now, or even married. My dear, life is not guranteed. If he as your "significant other" or, if as your Husband was in perfect health, he could be killed in a car wreck on any given day, or a freak accident. He could die of a Heart Attack without warning, and the list can be long here as far as examples.

Life is short and Death is sure, and we all don't know when we will pass away. Surely married couples and all of us understand that we all will die. We don't know when, where, and how. Because you now have such information that he may die and how, is it fair to him to drop him based on fear? This would be heartless.

There are plenty of stories I read every week where young Moms or Husbands are killed in accidents and such. We are never prepared for this, and yet it is a reality we all live with. I would not fail to marry or love someone when I already know something horrible could happen at any given time and my Wife be gone. It's a part of life, and we do not stay away from marriage because we know this, instead; we marry and we love others based on loving them in the now.

Lucky you,........if he does die, your life gets to go on. Would you like part of the last time of his life be also heaped on with a broken Heart and sense of abandonment on top of his Cancer?

If he is terminally ill, he can't look forward to love anymore, and you are and will be the last one he loved. Fear of something that is sure to happen to all of us is irrational if it is looked at in such away that it drives us away from the person we lose or may lose.

IMHO - You should not leave. NOT! Your perception of death and your own mortality, and you might want to get some guidence spiritually or even from a medical professional about death and dying.

Your fear may be legitimate, but, it is unhealthy, and one can't live their life based on fear of what will happen to all of us. It's just a transition from this life to another state of existence.

You need to get a grip on things and speak to a grief counselor or others as I said to address your very irrational fear.

You could leave him one day, and 3 days later you could be run over by a truck. Think about it. Love Life! Embrace it, and make the most of it. You are flirting with a life of phobic thinking if you do not address these fears.

Answer 7

you are going to have fear in your life about him weather you stay with him or not you are always going to wonder how he is doing if you leave him. there is always hope of him getting better. you need to ask yourself do you really love him. if he wasn't sick would you stay with him. there is alot of questions you need to ask yourself what if it was you. i think you know deep in your heart what the answers is. i know what you are going through i have delt with losing someone i love because of cancer and it is hard to watch them go though this but would you want him to go through this alone. if you love this man then you need to stand by him. honey fear is a part of life. as to death is a part of life. this could have happened 10 years down the road and you two could have been married. it doesn't matter if he is your husband or not. you have spent the last 2 years with this man. do you want to walk out on him now. you don't know what fear is until you walk in his shoes. yeah you can walk away from your fear but he cant. i think you have to do a lot of thinking. i wish i could be more help. but i will tell you what i will pray for him.

Answer 8

Thats a tough situation. I cannot answer this for you, but i can help you answer it for yourself. If you leave him and he dies, will you regret it? If you were going to die and the person you love the most left, would you have the fight in you to keep going? All in all this is a test of bonds, not of Right and wrong. So ask yourself if you had to switch places, what would be more devestating, knowing your going to die in a painful manner, or the person you love, knowing your immenant death is approaching turns their back? Life is short, if you never confront your fears they will just sit on your back and haunt you. I told a girlfriend of mine that once, because every situation that got bad she would run and hide. And it took her 3 years to realize that she caused all her own pain. I do not wish that on anyone, to cause yourself more pain because you are afraid of the problems that are already in front of you.

Answer 9

Looks to me like you got 2 options here:

A ) Stay with him forever till he leaves.
Not because 'love' and 'its the right thing to do' but simply because of you undying love for him. If someone truly love someone, no matter their condition, no matter what. Love is a feeling of conditionless support and care for another.

B ) Leave him alone to face reality himself. Just to be sure to tell him honestly why you are leaving him. It will be hard to speak your heart or head but it'll hurt less if he knows why u leave him than not knowing anything about the reasons of you leaving him. Just hope a lot you would not regret your action once he has left this world in the future because many people do. They regret not being able to be brave enough to face their fears and ran away from their responsibilities and blind them from what they are suppose to do with their feelings.

Just remember.... Fear in humanity causes COURAGE to suffice and IMPOSSIBILITIES to be the last thing on one's mind....

Answer 10

You seem to be crowded with too many fears. Have you ever thought of what would have happened if 10 years after your marriage that he finds out you are suffering from cancer. Your decision is based on the seriousness of your love.

Answer 11

If you can no longer love him and support him then do him a favor and leave....he has enough on his plate without worrying about you and whether you are going to leave him or not. It is amazing to me how someone can profess their love and then when the chips are down they bail out. But if your fear of dealth supercedes your love for him then move on....he has faced cancer and his own mortality...guess he can face losing the woman he loves too....