help my son makes me feel guilty for my past mistakes?

Question

iam a 2 yr recovering addict.and my 12 yr old boy treats me worse than he has ever,and ive used his whole 12 yrs.iam in counsiling,and in parenting classes,and ive used all there advises and his attitude seems to get worse towards me. i feel like he should have treated me this way when i was doing my thing and not trying than now when iam trying for us.it almost seems he treated me better when i was using than now,what am i to do?any suggestions?

Answer 1

When you were using, he was just afraid of not having you. Now all of a sudden you are trying to be parent of the year and that is probably resentful for him. You have to restablish yourself as the parent. He does not respect you, so give him a reason to. Stay clean, keep loving him. Tell him that you made mistakes and you can't change that, but those things do not have control of your life anymore. And whether or not he likes it, you are his parent and you are not going anywhere. Tell him you know he is angry, embarrassed, frustrated, resentful, etc. Connect with him on that level by relating to his feelings. Tell him you have felt that way about yourself, too and that is why you are making changes in your life because you love yourself and him more than that and you want to be a better person for yourself so that you can be a better parent for him. Tell him you understand that he needs time to heal just like you do and you will be patient whil he works out those feelings, but that you would like to work with him and dealing and understanding those feelings along the way.

It is important for you to understand how his life has been. He has been neglected by you, lost. Something else took priority over him. His friends knew, people talked, he has been humiliated. You have to understand his feelings, and you have to forgive yourself. Stay strong and never ever give up on yourself or your relationship with him. He equally wants one with you but he is afraid to open his arms to you because he doesn't want to hurt anymore. I would say it is fair that you have to earn that and you need to allow him space to get there, without allowing him to disrespect you in the process. Either way, you are still his parent.

Answer 2

Well its a very difficult and challenging situation. Your did't state anything about it his father was involve- I will assume he is not involved.
Because of you past , although its great that you are in recover. Your son has a lot of anger built up from the earlier years. He is also at a stage where his peer group is the most importtant influence.
Through therapy you should appoligize for all the mistakes you made and how painful it has been on him. Express to your son that you made bad choices, which cause situations where you lose your ability to take responsibility for your life.
You know that the past has been difficult. No matter how many sessions it takes- the past struggles and failures have to be greived, to allow your son and you to have the energy to move forward.
Ask him what things could have been changed to make our family into more of a family.
Then point out his positive qualities, there are probably many. Stress that he is only 12 and by making choices that strengthen him today will make all the difference in the future. I have a 13yr whom trouble follows- there is no gaurarenties. Its more about you staying sober and keep growing-this will have a powerfull effect. That is why substance abuse is so detrimental- your child absorbs everthing- even if you are a functuional user. Of course love him unconditionally without enabling him. Pray for him, look for and try every strategy you can find. At some point if he doesn't get-it, it will be on him. Its sad but most alcoholic/drug abusers have to lean the hard way(some don't make it)
Remeber your sobriety is the most important focus, so you can be an example, and have the resources to provide and guide your son.
So, with your son,yourself and therapist. get every thing out-admit -how painful the past. how you wish things were different. Express that you are humane, but you are here now. The past is acknowledged, and it will continue to have an effect in the future. The idea is to turn down the volume of the past and re-focus on the resources and the changes that can be made today. From then on if your son starts bringing up the past stop him- state; Yes we know and have discussed the past. For us to succeed we need to express and focus all our energy into the thing we can change.
love,love,love
make sure you have your own personnel therapist,freinds to get the support you wil need. Re-evaluate how your interactions with your son consist of. They are very smart at that age and think they have all the answers. You have probably tried many different solutions- i.e. sports, clubs, being involved- just keep searching there are a lot of options
And remeber its very important to address these issue at 12 instead of 16
keep searching , sober, and loving
john

Answer 3

The FEELING I got from your question, as an observer, is that If you were to tell me all this and I was the step son, I would definitely feel that you are ATTACKING ME and trying to find fault in me and blame me. I also felt that somehow you are trying to REFUSE RESPONSIBILITY for this kid's problems and trying to pin it on him. If he is 17 now, he was 12 when his parents got a divorce, a very fragile age and he is probably a very sensitive kid which left him MANY SCARS And I do believe he feels ABUSED abuse comes in many forms you know not just physical or sexual He is probably STILL emotionally and psychologically abused I think you are mistreating him I mean look at the result, his behavior (addiction etc) KIDS ARE NOT BORN THIS WAY, ''dysfunctional'' SOMETHING drives them to become like that Life experiences traumatize them and people involved in these experiences who then try to pint the finger at them and accuse them of being ''bad'' or ''not the way he should be'' MAKE HIM FEEL EVEN MORE hurt, ALIENATED and rejected I Think you need to STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR OWN HURT FEELINGS AND NEEDS and start giving him LOVE instead of CRITICISM That's what he needs

Answer 4

Well this sounds kind of familiar.You should be grateful that your son is still with you,i lost both of my boys 2 years ago. I was using too, and i regret everything my oldest son had to see.He is also 12 and currently lives with his father . He and i dont really even have a relationship anymore , All i can tell you is cherish every moment good and bad . The attitude thing is probably due to his age for one thing and also just things changing in general with you. All he was used to was the you that was on ...whatever, now you are clean and thats wonderful i respect that . but he is probably not sure how to deal with it all yet. Patience, reassurance, and plain old LOVE. Good luck to you and always keep in mind the lady that lost her babies when you feel frustrated. ALANNA

Answer 5

There are a lot of things changing in you life and his, and not just your dependence. As you continue to work toward becoming substance free, you are also making a lot of other changes. These changes also affect him. You are probably learning to set priorties in your life and how to better accept the responsibilities in your life. You are learning how to be a more responsible mother. Thus for 12 years your son has learned to deal with, if not like the mother he had. Now, what he has learned to deal with is changing. This is also a very critical time in his life and he is not only dealing with your recovery, but also his own problems of becoming a teenager and a more mature person. You are a family and I believe you should work this out as a family. If you are not receiving family counseling now, it might be wise to consider this as an option. Involve your child in your recovery. You could also research support groups in your area. Possibly there are groups available for children of substance abusers. Address his needs and yours together but also seperately. Let him know that you want to hear what he has to say and take his criticism seriously. Listen to him and let him know that you are trying to understand his frustrations. Perhaps this will give him to opportunity to say what he wnats to say and express himself without treating you in a harsh way.

Answer 6

Part of the reason he's treating you so badly is because he doesn't trust you. Unlike before, he didn't trust you but you were giving him a reason not to; now, you're trying to establish a better relationship with him and he has no reason to not trust that (except for those ten years of drug abuse), but he still doesn't trust you so he's taking that conflict out on you.

The two of you need to see therapists, both seperately and together. You need to come to terms with your drug use so it can't be used as a weapon against you; he needs to start trusting you but he's afraid you'll go back to using again. The two of you should see a therapist together to better facilitate a good relationship. I don't see you being able to do this on your own. Good luck.

Answer 7

He needs counseling the same as you. He does not understand why you did drugs and why you left him. He can not understand because he has not been there. Unless he walks in your shoes and you don't want him to do that he cant understand you can get him in to programs that can help him and he can get out his anger and frustrations and then maybe you two can talk. He is only twelve there are many adults that don't understand drug use and addict or recovery. He has fears that you going to use again, and you can not say your not going to because you have to take it one day at a time.How many times did he think you did not love him while this has been going on? have you asked him ? They start going through changes at this age and to go through something like this it's a lot more difficult for him and you. One he starting to have a opinion and he is starting on his independence. You have to guide him in the right direction, it makes it harder on you but you have to think of what you have put im through. If it gets to out of hand you may have to take in a few meetings take him with you. But don't expect a lot he need a group of teens that is going through what he has and is going through. Ask your rehab counselor for information about a local teen group. he may need to go it alone with a one on one therapist, so they can pull you in and help you and him as a unit. Good Luck and God Bless You and Him.

Answer 8

Well, first of all you need to remember that despite your mistakes you are the parent and he needs to treat you as such. DO NOT let him put a guilt trip on you. He will use that to get his own way and manipulate you.

As long as he knows that you love him and you are clean and doing your best to be the best parent you can be. He does not need to worry about a thing.

He is at the age where he WILL use just about anything to get his own way. Just love him and make sure he know that he can come to you about anything and that is a good start.

Answer 9

First congrats on staying clean! its tough to beat and you should be proud of yourself. As far as your son goes. When you were using, he probably believed that he needed to take care of you and he was probably a little scared to say anything. Now, your clean he may feel like you dont need him anymore. plus now that its over for him too he feels free to get it off his chest. I know its hard to handle, but he deserves to vent and you put him through some ruff things. Plus hes 12, 12 year olds are already confused. Maybe he needs some counseling too, there should be some suport groups out there for him.

Answer 10

First of all, congratulations on your recovery!!

Just carry on with what you're doing, you're doing great. It sounds like your son could use some counseling as well. More than likely, he's angry. He's angry because he lost the better part of his childhood, and rightfully so. One can't expect a child to go though 12 years of witnessing the one he loves the most destroy themselves ... and come out of it unscathed. He's bound to have many issues he needs to address.

Wishin' you both the best ... :)