It seems perfect, so why aren't we together?

Question

.....So.....something that has been plagueing me. I'm just curious as to what some people think. This has been happening to me with just about every guy that I have REALLY liked in the past 3 years. So I meet a guy. Become close friends with him. We start hanging out all of the time. The flirtation starts, and then we end up becoming friends with benefits. And everything is usually really cool for a while. We still hang out all the time. He'll always tell me how much he cares about and appreciates me- that I'm beautiful, sexy and special. He'll introduce me to his family (the mothers always love me), and eveything is rosey. Then after a few months of being "friends plus" I'll ask the question. I'll ask if he wants to make things official. I'll ask if he wants to do the "relationship/boyfriend-girlfriend thing". That's when the crap hits the fan. EVERY SINGLE TIME (3 times in 4 years), the same thing happens. He'll say "NO." And when I ask why, he'll make up some BS answer-

about "not wanting a girlfriend" or that "it's not the right time", and will still proceed to tell me, that I'm amazing and any man would be lucky to have me, but that he "just doesn't want to go there" and hopes "that it doesn't ruin our friendship" Is this the not buying the cow if you can get the milk for free or what? Is it me?
I just don't understand. And ususally despite the guy's "I have commitment issues" speech, he'll have a girlfriend about a month later. And usually the friends plus thing goes on for at least 3 months. I just don't get it. Especially cause there have been instances where we were basicly doing the "relationship thing" and together all the time. So i don't get why these guys won't commit TO ME. They'll commit to someone else, but not me. I must have some kind of fatal flaw, that they refuse to acknowledge. What are people's opinions on this? No judgemental answers please. Just want to know what people think of this "Phenomenon".

Answer 1

Your situation is the classic "Why pay for the milk, when you can get it for free?" You can't expect a man to commit to you after you have allowed him to sex you up for months with no strings attached. Why would he do that?

If you want a committed man, you have to change your approach and from the GET GO, let the guy know that you are looking for a long term relationship. If he bails, you can move on. If he stays, then you've struck gold.

Answer 2

It seems to me that he wants to have his cake and eat it to. As long as you and he are friends plus, this will happen. Stop the benefits part for a while and go out on a date with a guy. Continue to be his friend but pay attention to his actions. A guy ( or anyone for that matter) never miss a good thing until its gone or until they think it's gone. If he still acts the same way (not wanting a relationship), at least you know for sure now and you can end it and move on to a real relationship. Good Luck!! :)

Answer 3

It doesnt seem perfect from what you described.Why?Because you have given the benefits to guys who only want you for your benefits.Get to know them and date them with NO benefits till you are married then you'll become known as a "no benefits" girl and then you can find a man who respects you and wants to get married.Why buy a cow when you can get free milk?Learn from your mistakes.Ignore the romance novel b/s and the sitcom and soap opera nonesense.In real life a lot of guys just want sex no committment so they can dump you for a hotter honey if one comes along.This way you dont get used for sex,already you vae been used as a sex toy by guys ..how many times?Learn from your mistakes, dont repeat them.Remember"do the same things youve always done, you WILL get the same things youve always got.

Answer 4

all i can advise you to do is...when you get in a new relationship dont become "friend's with benefits" right away because the guy is probably just using you because he thinks he wont have to commit. Make sure that the next guy understands what you are looking for in a relationship, and hopefully you will eventually find a guy that likes you enough to commit and be with you

Answer 5

you are friends with benefits that's why. i'm not sure what benefits your giving out, but whatever they are, if a guy can get them without the committment of having a relationship, then he will. and if you suddenly spring it on him that you want the relationship, he's not going to buy in. you need to stay friends--minus the benefits for a while and if he decides he wants the relationship to go any further, you need to be something first. i can't believe i am going to quote this, but "no one will buy the cow if the milk is free!" (not that you're a cow, but you know what i mean!) good luck!

Answer 6

That is the problem with being "friends with benefits". Friends with benefits usually NEVER work out, because the problem is..most of the time one person in that relationship develops feelings for the other, while the other person is just in it for the "benefits". Whenever you ask them to make it official..it scares them because they are used to just getting the benefits WITHOUT commitment. Here's a word of advice. SKIP the friends with benefits step!!! That will help LOADS and you will be in an actual relationship instead of being just friends..with benefits.

Answer 7

Hmmm...I'm a guy and if someone is willing to be my friend with benefits then why tie the knot. Unless I fall in love with you but obviously they have not.

My advise is take the "friends with benefits" out of the way and on your next relationship make it clear that you are boyfriends/girlfriends and you are into long term relationship. Dont be afraid to ask them if they are into long term relationships as well. My girlfriend made that clear before we got committed to each other.

Answer 8

Oh I sure do feel for you.
Guys are jerks. Plain and simple. Don't bring up the relationship stuff and see what happens.
When I gave up on jerks I actually found somebody and married him. Unfortunately, he turned out to be the BIGGEST jerk I've ever known and now I'm divorced . . . . . .

Answer 9

Run from this guy. You are being used. You have wasted enough time with this guy. 3 years? Come on, get some pride, you are to good for this. Get a guy that will appreciate you. This guy is garbage. HE IS USING YOU!!!

Answer 10

Try something different. Take a more direct approach than becoming friends.