Trouble with my almost 3 year old son hitting, kicking and biting?

Question

My son will be 3 in May. He has a temper issue. Anytime something goes a little bit wrong, he throws an absolute fit. Thanks to some advice from here on Yahoo, the biting has almost completely stopped since the punishment became vinegar on his tongue. But when he gets mad he throws things or hits someone (or something) and will continue until he's punished. He isn't potty trained yet, and the worse is when we try to change his diaper or put on his pajamas. He'll get so mad sometimes that he'll scream and hit and kick. The kicking is what really gets me going, I have a hard time controlling my temper when he does it because he's hit us in the face and neck a few times. Usually I have to pin him down, which he hates, but then he just screams and spits and tries to bite.

I have tried everything I can think of. Our usual punishment for acting up is timeout. But once he gets there he hits the wall, or spits some more and screams. It's not working. I don't want to hit him, I feel too bad

We've tried potty training to see if that helps the diaper-change issue, but it's still in early stages and I'm not sure it'll stick. He's getting good at pooping in the toilet, but I can't seem to get him to pee in it yet.

Answer 1

I worked in the preschool classroom with 3 year olds for several years, and before that I worked in the 2 year old room. I had a lot of kids that had similar issues, and it is very frustrating at times. I can't make any promises, but I'll tell you what we did:
First off, in kids that age, tantrums are the norm. They are angry that they cannot yet express themselves fully, and as a result, when something doesn't go their way, the result is a tantrum. What I would normally say about tantrums is to completely ignore them. But when they become violent, and risk hurting someone, including your son, you have to intervene a bit. But don't ever give in to what caused the tantrum in the first place, it will only reinforce the idea that this behavior is rewarded.

Make sure your son is well aware of the ground rules. You could even pull a Supernanny and hang up a list of rules somewhere in the house - that specify, no hitting, biting, etc. Let him know that if these rules are broken, he will get a time-out.

When he starts to act up, get down on his level and give him a warning, "If you do not stop hitting, you are going into time-out". It's important to be at eye level with them when you're talking. If he continues, put him in time out. If he's screaming/kicking, but staying in the spot you put him in, leave him there. If he's not hurting himself or anyone/anything, then don't give him any more attention - that's what he's going for. If he keeps getting up, keep taking him back. And if he is hurting people/things, I would sit with him in the time out, gently restraining him from hurting you or himself, but not talking to him or giving him any additional attention, other then, "When you calm down, we'll talk." Then once he gets a hold of himself, tell him he needs to sit in timeout until it's time to talk. They say the general rule is to leave them in for a minute a year - so 3 for your son. But if it takes him longer than 3 minutes to stop throwing his fit in the timeout, leave him there for longer. I would always tell my kids, "When you calm down, we'll talk. Let me know when you're ready to talk." Then when they finally calmed down, I'd pick them up on my lap and explain to them that their behavior was unacceptable and why. Then I'd always tell them, I love you, but I don't like it when you act like that, and give them a hug.

I'm not a big believer in a system of rewards, because I think it encourages kids to do good things simply because of the end reward. So what we would do, (I read a study about the effectiveness of rewards, and it suggested this) is to randomly give the kids rewards without telling them in advance. If they were being particularly good, we'd give them a sticker and tell them why. So if your son goes all morning without violence, give him a sticker(or whatever) and really lay on the praise, tell him you are so so proud of him for being so nice all morning, etc, etc. Try to find him being good and really lay on the attention then. Eventually he will start to see that he gets more attention for good behavior than for bad.

Also, I would stop using the vinegar to get him to stop biting. It is better if you are uniform in your consequences - that he gets a timeout for every rule he breaks, not different punishments for different rewards.

I'm glad you are doing the potty-training, I think that may help with the diaper changing problem, and if he's almost 3, he should be ready for it. As far as not peeing in the toilet, is he peeing sitting or standing? Normally we would potty train boys to pee sitting first, but some didn't want to. Then we'd throw some Cheerios or blue food coloring in there (or both) and let them pee standing. Also, are you using pull-ups? I found that a lot of kids would not start using the toilet when they were in them, as they feel exactly like a diaper and then there is really no discomfort from peeing in their pants. We'd just have the parents bring in loads of underwear and sweatpants, and it usually only took about a week once they were out of pull-ups.

And have you tried letting him put on his own pajamas? He's at that age where he wants some independence, and I always found that letting kids do things on their own seemed to lessen their frustration about life.

You are going to have to do these things over and over and over again. It will be exhausting and frustrating, but you can do it! (And you'll definitely be glad you did) One of my favorite little girls that I had as a student was the biggest tantrum thrower I ever had. But she was also one of my favorites (I love all my students so it's hard to really say that!), probably because she was my hardest. It took me an entire year to get her to calm down in the classroom.

Sorry for the really long answer. I hope this helps. and good luck!

Answer 2

Children at his age have temper issues due to health conditions or they are trying to express themselves. Some children act out due to stress. Even though he is 3 he could be experiencing this. Has there been any major changes in his life? Have you contacted you pediatrician about this? If you haven't I think that's the the best thing to do. He needs a well exam to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with him. If there is nothing physically wrong with him, your doctor will be able to give you resources that you can look into that pertain to controlling aggressive behavior. I know for a fact that some children do NOT respond to spanking, time out, or other methods of punishment, even if you stand firm. I will say that you need to act on this asap. If this issue is not address and handled it will get worse and harder to control as he gets older. PLEASE CALL YOUR PEDIATRICIAN!

Answer 3

Do not start potty training until this anger issue is under control. Do not hit him. That can work on kids that aren't violent but will make your situation worse. When you can see him getting mad stop everything and get down on the ground with him. Say calmly, I see you are getting mad. I am sorry you are mad. It doesn't feel good does it. If he start getting crazy then try to walk him to a time out area calmly explaining that when he is mad like that he has to go cool off. When he is calm he can come out and you guys will talk about it. With my daughter we changed the punishment chair to the chill out spot. Threw a blanket over some pillows and her doll. We went through some calming breathing and after we sit with her and sometimes write about what is happening. It took about 2 weeks to stick and now when she is mad she will say wait!! i am going to go chill out. Try to explain what is going to happen in advance when he is in a good mood and then when you see it starting remind him the steps. Also try for example a good time out equals some time with mommy or a movie. Fighting the time out means no "_________" We sometimes just ate ice cream in front of our daughter to really show that cause and effect. If this continues talk to your doctor because you may need help and he can refer you to someone. Good luck.

Answer 4

have you considered counseling for him ?
or tried to ask him why he acts like that some kids will tell you

this may just be a control issue he controls what he wears when when he uses the bath room and he controls everyone by hitting them you have to stop feeling bad because that is how he is controlling you the more he acts out the worse you feel put a stop to it right away

Answer 5

I say spank his butt!! That works for my kidos!! You are the MOM!! He needs to know you mean business!! Give him a warning..and then a quick spank on the bottom!! I am not saying beat him....just a quick and firm spank on the bottom!!