In my wedding vows I don't want to say that I will obey him unless he says it too. To me the logical fix is

Question

to either add obey to his side as well or to cut it out all together. I told him how I felt about this today and he wasn't very happy. His dad is marrying us and my fiance says that if I don't say obey then his dad won't do the ceremony. Am I being out of control? I just don't feel like we should start our marriage out based on a lie. I absolutely think it is wrong for me to say that I will obey him when he doesn't say it back. We're living in 2007...not 1927. What do you think?

Answer 1

We used "respect" and both of us said it. We had a line that said "at all times will I respect you as my equal and my best friend." I agree with you that "obey" is pretty archaic.

Are you getting married in a religious tradition that dictates your vows or is there some flexibility? One alternative is to suggest writing your own vows because you think that would be a more heartfelt expression and personalized to you as a couple (and don't even mention that it's primarily because you object to the word obey).

As to the pp who thinks women are harlots if they don't obey their husband, well, he has other issues. My husband has never ordered me to do anything, so the issue of "obey" has never come up. I would take it as a red flag if your future husband insists this must be in the ceremony. What else will he expect of you as part of your "wifely duties" ?

Answer 2

Just wondering if you don't have a great relationship with him, and why in the world you would have a problem with saying you won't obey. Am curious to know what you are thinking of when you say it will start your marriage out based on a lie.
Mostly, and hopefully, mature men and women get married because they want to love each other and totally dedicate their lives to each other. A women obeying a husband has absolutely nothing to do with her being subservient to him. A righteous man will obviously obey his wife; it doesn't need to be stated in the vows. That's the point at where you have no argument.
I think you need a good chat with his dad, or another minister, about what the traditional vows really do mean.
Good luck to your fiance.

Answer 3

I think you should definitely stand up for your beliefs and either make him say it, too, or just cut out the whole "obey" part. What if you replaced it with a different word, like "respect"? Then he can say it too and it wouldn't sound funny. (It might sound funny if both people said "obey," because usually one person is in charge and the other obeys; two people can't usually obey each other.)

Did your fiance talk to his father about this yet? You said that your fiance said that his dad wouldn't marry you if you didn't say the "obey" part. Is your fiance just saying that to try to get you to cave? Maybe if you talked to your future father in law about it, he would be more understanding. You could at least explain why you feel the way you do.

I really hope you'll stick to your guns and not promise to obey your husband. You're rght- this is 2007, not 1927, and a wife doesn't need to do everything her husband tells her to. Good luck!

Answer 4

Honestly, we cut obey out completely and my now husband had no problem with it. I would talk to your fiance again and tell him exactly how you feel. If he says the same thing again, then tell him this: You want to have a marriage where honesty plays a big part and you will be telling a lie if you said obey in the vows... tell him that its important that his father marries you but if he cant understand why not saying obey is so important to you than maybe you need to look for another officiant...

Having said that: I know plenty of women who have said obey yet they have a marriage that is equal and loving. "Obey" is from teh bible where it says a women should obey her husband but it also says that a man must nuture and care and support his wife. If you are having a religious ceremony - that may be why his father doesnt want to remove "obey".

Answer 5

As painful as it might seem, you should cancel or least postpone your wedding until you can agree on life principles.

That will be far less painful than a divorce and custody fight over the kids ~ which is where you are clearly heading if you can't agree on how your family will operate.

The problem is not his father; the problem is with the two of you.

And this is a very small matter compared to other issues you will face. Take the time to work this out now or move on with your lives and find someone that agrees with your life principles.

As a side note, the proper word, Biblically, would be "respect" not "obey". Nonetheless, you two need to agree on how your family will operate - whatever that is.

Answer 6

Tell your future father in law that you want to replace the word obey with to love and honor and see what he says. Obey is very old fashioned and I think it is so outdated. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship and I feel when we honor our husbands we are obeying the laws of our high power God. Marriage is based on trust and it is not necessary for anyone to say that word. That word was put in the marriage vows because at that time, marriages were all arranged and parents felt if they put that word in the marriage vows, girls would literally obey their husbands who they hardly knew. So I think if his Dad is against it and refuses to do the ceremony, then change plans and get another minister to marry you.

Answer 7

I am a pastor. Those words do not appear in the vows that I have the bride and groom repeat. But, if you put the vow in its proper context, its not about honor and obeying your husband. It's really about honoring and obeying God. There will be times when in your marriage your husband will make a decision and you will have to live by ut. There will be times when you will make a decision and he will have to live by it. You must first honor God, then honor and love each other. The world of 2007 puts a different spin on this vow than it did in 1927. it's really about uniting together as one flesh. if either of you think you ca be the head 100% of the time, then there will be problems.

Answer 8

This is a totally reasonable request, and most officiants have removed this archaic term from their script already. I've been to plenty of weddings and never heard anyone say "obey" or even use "man and wife" instead of "husband and wife."

Perhaps your fiance was disappointed by the *way* you told him, as if it were disrepectful or insulting of his opinion? Or maybe his family is really old-fashioned and expects a certain code of behavior from women? Be sure to get pre-marital counseling (from someone NOT connected to his father) to discover what other surprises lie in store for you, and how you can both learn to deal with them effectively.

Tell your husband that you love him very much, and want to offer him the best and fullest version of a wife you can be... and that, to you, promising to "obey" him like a subserviant, mindless drone would cheat him of the capable, intelligent, and loving helpmate that he deserves.
Presenting it in that postitive light might bring him around, and if his dad still refuses to do the ceremony over it, well, that's his choice, and he'll loose out by interfering in a relationship not his own.

p.s. I like MS3's suggestion about changing the word to "respect" - a more accurate term for what the man craves here.

Answer 9

I think which vows you say it up to you two. Not his dad, not his mom, not his cousin's sister's aunt twice removed. Figure out what both of you feel is right for you, and go with it. He can just let his dad know that you decided to re-write the vows a bit. I personally feel that the vows are just a figure of speech; they are meant to be taken more symbolically than literally. But if you are bent on taking them literally, and this small part bugs you - leave it out. If this minor adjustment is enough to drive a wedge between you, your fiancé and his dad - perhaps you should re-think the whole marriage thing. Someone is not ready.

Answer 10

No, you're not out of control. This is YOUR wedding and it should be based on your wishes, not the wishes of your fiance's father. Neither you nor your fiance should have to use "obey" in your vows, and it is commonly left out in ceremonies these days. You should talk to your father in law about it and explain to him that, while you'd love for him to perform the ceremony, if he can't do it according to your wishes, you'll have to find someone else. Let him (and your fiance) know that you take vows very seriously and do not want to commit to one that you know isn't right for you.