Should I just ignore them?

Question

My daughter's father and I split as soon as I became pregnant. She is now 9 months old. I initially told her grandparents that I was pregnant via snail mail and they didnt contact me until the baby was 4 months old. When we met they were very nice and gave us money. Every holiday I send pictures and a card and get no response. For christmas, my daughter met her absent father for the first time at 6 months old at her grandparents house. (he was visiting) Once again they were all cordial but sent my child away with NOTHING..no christmas gifts, diapers or anything. An uncle gave my child's father $20 to give to me. I told him to keep it because I felt like I had been insulted. I have been taking care of my baby alone since birth and her family just doesnt do anything. They cant even call to check on her to see if she is ok or to let me know they appreciate the cards and pictures! At this point, I plan to just cut her father and his family out of our lives for good. They just dont seem interested. Do you all think this is a good decision?

Thank you all for your input. I suppose everyone makes mistakes in life, but I in no way blame myself for her father being a deadbeat and her grandparents for being disinterested. Obviously he hid what a big jerk he was while we were in our relationship because had I known what I know now, I wouldnt have given him the time of day. I really want to be the bigger person in this situation but it is so very hard. I have done so much to facilitate a relationship with everyone. I just wanted to take an honest look at the situation and decide where to go from there. Do I want to push a child on people who dont care? Right now she is a baby and doesnt understand, but who is to say that when she is 3 years old her feelings wont be hurt because of the way she is being treated? I can only hope and pray for the best that it works out for her benefit. Again, thank you for all of your responses and kind words!

Answer 1

Be the bigger person here and keep doing what you have been. Killing them with kindness we say.

Being a single mother is a lot of hard work. I commend you. Do what you can to get things done on your own without counting on anyone else for anything. Then, when someone does do something extra it will be just that, extra.

You can also take your daughter's father to court to be sure that he's living up to his responsibilities too. Go get that child support he needs to be giving you. If he wants to be a part of her life, then be sure he's paying up.

REMEMBER: You didn't make this baby on your own..... but you can take care of her on your own. Empower yourself young lady and be strong. You can do this.

Answer 2

I understand the insult. I am married to my kids father and his family has never even mentioned the cards and pictures we send. We keep sending them for several reasons. As your daughter ages, it will give her a chance to write letters to someone, writing letters is fun and useful. Maybe, just maybe, when it comes time for something like college tuition or a car, they will send something (we aren't holding our breath). And it keeps a connection with her father. Even if he doesn't want to be involved, she will want to know him. At least by keeping the connection, she will have a means of contacting this other family and meeting her dad at some point in the future. Nine months is her whole life at this point, but realize her life is much longer than that and while the nine months has been very real for you, it hasn't for dad. The pictures and cards keep her present in the lives of her grandparents and her dad and he may get over it and step up. I would keep it up. Then you have the knowledge that you have done everything in your power to give her not just a good mom, but a father and grandparents too.

Answer 3

I agree with what the first person said. Keep sending the pictures, and maybe write a line or two about her development, like her first steps and things like that. But draw the line there, you don't have to take her for visits and all that, if they can't show the interest, then don't waste your time. You do have the right to sue for child support, it could help you a lot. But if you'd rather not have to deal with the father and are doing okay on your own without his money, then leave it at that or else he might try to get partial custody or something. You sound like a good Mom, just continue to do right by your baby and things will work out for you and her, and those people can keep missing out on knowing your wonderful little girl!

Answer 4

Make sure that your baby's farther pays child support, your daughter deserves to have the money. If you don't need the extra money to help raise her then put it into a saving account for her future.

As to the rest of his family, I'd kick it to the curb and cut your losses. They don't seem to care one way or another about your daughter. Don't let your baby's father off the hook as far as child support though. No man should be allowed to impregnate a woman and then just run off into the wild blue Scott free. And you the woman must carry the entire load for the deed that he help with, while he skates off and has no responsibility.

How many other women will he end up doing this to if he isn't held accountable for what he does in life. Paying child support is a small thing for him to have to do considering all that you have had placed on your shoulders. Make him step up to the plate and be accountable for his daughter too, it's only right and fair. If he doesn't want to see her that is his business but his daughter shouldn't have to suffer because he is a deadbeat.

God Bless you and your daughter, you will both be just fine with out all of them in your lives. You are in my prayers.

Answer 5

Even if your daughter's father and his family SUCK, your daughter is going to be asking YOU all the questions about them later. You should have taken the 20 bucks and bought diapers. I would not go out of my way to call or send cards......if you get some pictures, mail them. If they contact you, be friendly and tell them about your daughter. If they try to see her, let her see them (not necessarily alone). You made a bad choice in choosing your daughter's father.....that's not HER fault. He's her father....you don't have to be buddy/buddy with them, but she should know who they are and how to contact them.There may come a time when you need some medical info from them or your daughter may need to meet them to heal herself emotionally. It will be much easier on her and you if you never cause any ugliness or say anything negative to her about them as she grows up. Just keep it all very civil and drama free as you can for her sake. She will be able to see with her own eyes who cared about her and made time for her (YOU!) and come to her own opinions about her father and his family. You don't want to do anything that will let her make you the bad guy (even when it's not true) and blame you for her lack of relationship w/ her dad when she's in her ugly teenage years.

Answer 6

I'd say stop mailing the cards, visiting, calling. Don't keep trying if they're not interested. But if they call to check on how you are or send cards, don't ignore them, and let them know it was appreciated. After they try to gain back your trust and effort, it's ok to send cards again in my opinion. :P

So don't cut off all contact, just stop giving them contact and let it come to you. Their loss if they choose to ignore you.

PS. seeing what other people say, I have to add it's your choice whether to have an unresponsive father in the picture or keep it limited to those who care deeply about your child. You never know how it will turn out, after all.

Answer 7

It seems that they are not caring as they should and in this situation it is better to take bold decision to cut off and prepare yourself to bring forth your child on your own. But before taking such a decision talk to their family, and discuss the issues related to this and show your determination.

Answer 8

Its not up to his family to buy your child diapers, or give you money. If they choose not to buy gifts for your child, does not mean you have to stop taking your child there. He may be telling his family its not his kid, they may believe him. My husbands family does not buy our kid gifts or diapers, its not necessary, have you heard the saying "you can't buy love". Stop sending them cards and pictures, and stop expecting them to buy your child stuff. They probably don't believe its his kid, so forget them. Keep a record of all of this, who knows if one day he will try to get custody of the child. But go on with your life and your childs, you can not force them to be apart of your childs life, and its not worth it. Move on. When your child asks about the father, tell her who he is, and you can always go after him for child support, he owes that much to your child, but his family doesn't.

Answer 9

IF and only if you have made every attempt you can to let them be involved. They don't need to bring gifts, or spend money. This is an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved, so try to be as adult as possible. Please do not be rude or hostile to them, she deserves to know who they are, even if they are not your first choice of grandparents for her. Don't let them go in and out of her life, however. If they choose not to be involved, it is they who are missing out, but it is not fair for her to bond with someone who is going to come and go at will.

Answer 10

I deal with family members like this: I treat them how I would like to be treated.

I send birthday cards, pictures, important news, and that's it. I expect NOTHING in return (and that's usually what I get!).

But you're doing the right thing. Eventually, if you hear absolutely nothing from them, you decide if you want to cut them off, but I wouldn't completely.

I know what you're feeling.