I am raising my daughter as my fiancees child. Need Opinions on Something?

Question

Okay here is the strory. I am a 17 year old man and I am getting married on Easter to my girlfriend of two months. We are raising my 3 year old daughter together (we all three live together). After we get married my future wife is going to adopt my daughter. My little girls real mother deserted her with me a year ago and signed away all legal rights to me and my fiancee. Me and my fiancee have decided to raise my daughter as my fiancees real child. In other word we are planning to raise her believeing my fiancee is her real mother. But is this wrong? Should we tell her about her real mother or should we let her believe that my future wife is her rela mom? Help please.

Answer 1

to answer your question, i don't think any idea is 'wrong', just that different people have different ideas. my experience of this is that my husband brought my son up from the age of 8 months and adopted him aged 4, we have always been open and honest with him, told him that he was special because dad chose him to be his son, he had no options with our other 2 children! our son is 25 now and will tell you that it was better than hearing it aged 18,he grew up knowing it. our other 2 kids both look like their dad whereas our son looks like his biological father, he would have had an idea anyway. i commend your fiance for the commitment she is showing you and your child, and you also for your commitment to your daughter, my worry is that you've only been together 2 months?! i don't want to be down on you but its not a long time to get to know somebody, there's no rush is there? why not see if you can live with each other for a while? whatever you decide to do i wish all 3 of you the best of luck for the future.

Answer 2

I mean no offense by this, but... As lovely as your GF is, I'm not sure if it's a good idea for someone to adopt a child they've known for 2 months. Getting married to someone you've know for 2 months is your decision, but since there is a child involved, I'd like to ask that you reconsider the marriage at this point. For your daughter's sake.

OK, putting that aside...

Your daughter is 3. How can she NOT know that this women isn't her Mom? Unless she's been around (i.e., living with you) since your daughter was 1 (no, since you said you were together only 2 months), she already knows that this is not Mom. She may not know what a real Mom is, but she knows that this is a newcomer.

Your new wife should raise her as a daughter. Don't try to hide the fact that she had a bio-mom, but don't make a big fuss about it. When the time is right, she'll start asking questions.

Answer 3

Your daughter is old enough to remember a time before your fiance. Most children have memories before four that linger into adulthood. It isn't fair to hide a part of your daughter from her. The best thing you can do is to talk to your daughter about making your fiance part of your family. Make sure your aughter has a pecial place in the wedding and when she asks about whether your fiance is her "real mom" you should tell her yes. "Mary has been your mom since you were little and she loves you very much. You had another mom but she couldn't take care of you so she left us and we were lucky enough to find Mary." She will ask questions about her birth mother but she will be healthier for it. She knows more than you think she does. This is one of your first chances to respect her as the woman she will grow into, it is her story and she deserves to know the truth.

Answer 4

At some point she will need a birth certificate (college, passport, etc.) and she will notice that the mother is different than the one you told her. This will not be a pleasant scene. Tell her the truth but understand your fiancee will be the "real" mother. Your ex is nothing but the incubator. By the way, it would be a good idea to get a medical history from the ex. Always good to know if you have a "family" (genetic progenitors) history of heart disease, diabetes, breast cancer, twins, etc.

Answer 5

I think she should be told the truth at some point in her life - obviously when she's at least a few years older. This is something that my mother has hidden from me all my life and I have never built up the nerve to broach the subject with her even though apparently other members of my family (aunts and uncle) are aware of this. And right now, it'd be kinda nice to know my 'real' dad since the stand in dad has had a declining relationship with all his children in recent years.

Answer 6

I think someday you have to tell her and its better if she learns it young as it is easier for a kid to adjust than an adult. Some day in the future her survival may depend on knowing who her real family is (birth family we know you and your future wife are her real family), She could need a blood transfusion or a kidney transplant or any medical conditions that she may not be able to get on your side of the family.

Also: I have a lot of respect for you and all you have done to take care of your child not many young Dads do as much as you do.

Answer 7

Sir honestly speaking you shouls let your daughter know when she is old enough to understand. Let her know why you and her mother arnt together and tell her the real story. Maybe when she finds out what happend she may not want anything to do whith her mother or she may. Congrats on your engagement sir!, I really hope it works out. If you have any other questions pleases feel free to ask me I will help as much as I possibly can.

Answer 8

Well...first off...your ex is a piece of crap! Second of all I think it is wonderful that you met someone who is willing to raise your child as her own...that is a real woman! If your child calls her Mommy then let her, but she is to young to know about her real mom..so I would wait until she is old enough to understand the situation and then let her know..In the meantime let her be a kid and son't try and explain things to her that she will not understand.

Good Luck In your soon to be Marriage :)
And always remember how lucky you are to find someone like her:)

Answer 9

She will need to know the truth at some point.Secrets like this always come out.It is better she hears it from you .How and when you and your fiancee tell her is up to you.It may be better if it's one of those things that it openly discussed with her rather than it being a story you have to tell her someday.Good luck to you all,I hope it works out.

Answer 10

I know you feel you are doing what is best for your daughter.......but in the long run it isn't. She should eventually know that she isn't living with her biological mom. Your fiancee will be her real mom.........her biological mom walked out on her. If she is loved and feels secure the biological issue shouldn't be a problem.