at what age should you tell your child that they were adopted?

Question

I adopted due to fertility problems. My husband and I don't know what's the appropriate age to bring it up. Our son is only 15 months so we have time... He was adopted in the US and is caucasian like us, so you couldn't tell he is, but he is.

Answer 1

We told our child from the minute he turned a year old! I had purchased a book called, "Why Was I Adopted," by Carole LIvingston. We read it to him at least once a week from the time he was a year old. As he got a little older, it became one of his favorite books so was read anytime he requested it...sometimes every night!

It is a wonderful book that tells the child that he/she is special because he/she was chosen by their adoptive parents and gives some scenarios on why the child was placed for adoption. For example, your birth parents were just kids themselves. Can you imagine being raised by kids? It is a positive and wonderful book and I recommend it to all adoptive parents. It also enables you to start telling your child at a very young age where they grow up accepting it and knowing that they are loved without question.

We have always been honest with our son. He is now 25 and has never had a desire to meet his birth parents...even though we told him we would not object. He didn't even want us to donate the book when we moved 4 years ago...he wants to keep it. Obviously, the book made an impact.

I recommend telling your child from a very young age.

P.S. We have had our son since he was 5 days old (also adopted due to infertility). We celebrate his birth and a day we made up..."Gotcha Day"...the day we brought him home from the hospital.

Answer 2

I was told that I was adopted when I was around 5 or 6 years old. I don't really remember being told, only that I have always known and it was no big deal. If I had been told when I was a preteen or teenager, I think it would have been a really bad time to get that information on top of all the teen angst that we have to deal with. And to wait until your child is an adult? No way. Young children are so much more accepting than adults with 'baggage'! So tell your child as soon as you feel that he will understand. There will be questions now and then as he grows up - what was my name before?, etc. , but as long as you are free and comfortable with talking about the adoption, then your child will also. My mother would talk about when my parents first brought me home or when they first met me, etc and I always liked that. So congratulations to you and have a wonderful life together!

Answer 3

I am adopted and so is my older sister. We look enough like our family, if they had never told us, we probably wouldn't have figured it out. However, I am SOOO thankful that I've always known.
My parents told us for as long as we can remember. At age three, I told my mommy that I wanted babies so I was going to Santa Barbara to pick one up (that's where I was adopted from.) and I thought that's how people got babies. We had a book called "Why Was I Adopted" that was really informative from a child's point of view and covered almost every reason why a child is adopted, how special that makes the child and the family, and why it's a badge of honor, not something wrong.

In fact, when my husband adopted my child, my parents gave her the book and at 4 years old, she doesn't understand it, but she knows she is adopted. It's second nature to her to think that she is special because someone loved her so much to give her daddy to her. Good luck - and just remember this is a HUGE and wonderful thing.....don't soil it by making it the "family secret." Instead, make it the "family joy." If you make it an issue, it will be one. If you make it a fact of life, the child won't give it a second thought.
Also, being adopted, I struggled with abandonment issues, of course, but I NEVER had to struggle with trust issues about my parents - the real ones who raised one. Good luck and God Bless you........Adopting Parents are special angels in my book.

Answer 4

From this moment on! By keeping it a "secret" you are saying there is something wrong with him being adopted. I loved the photo album idea about the day you adopted him! Not telling him from the beginning could cause major problems later on. This is something to be proud of not hide from. And believe me it would be a lot easier to start telling a 15 month old (and easier for him to hear) then telling an adult that there was a hugh secret you kept from him this whole time. Good luck and I hope everything turns out well!

Answer 5

I would never keep it a secret from you child, and then hit them with the bombshell when they are older. That would be devasting. There is absolutely nothin wrong with being adopted. You should let your child know from gthe get-go they are adopted and loved more than anything. There are plenty kids in my daughters kindergarten class that know they are adopted and think nothing of it. I could not imagine a child going on for years thinking otherwise if it were not true. Around 3 years old, they will understand the word "adopted" and eventually they will ask more about it. Do not try to hide it like a deep dark secret. Yuor child should be proud that of all the children in the world, you chose him to be your son! What a blessing:)

Answer 6

How big is your family. If there are other kids a few years older, they are probably going to know and might spill the beans unintentionally. So in that case, it may have to be younger. If it's just you and your husband, maybe a brother/sister/parents (in other words, mature adults who know only YOU should tell the child) you can wait until you think the child can handle it. That really opens up the range of ages. I'd think on average, somewhere around 8-12? Maybe a little younger...

Just make sure he's always aware you love him and be prepared for the "why didn't my real parents keep me?" questions. That will hurt you both I suspect.

Answer 7

There is no proper age. It all depends when the child is ready to hear it. But be sure that he learns that he is adopted from YOU and not from others. You can start by telling him how special adopted children are since they were picked among other children. You can also start telling him stories which talk about adopted children and how much they are loved and are part of the family.

Answer 8

I feel a child is just as much comfortable with the fact that he/she is adopted as any other fact about his/her characteristics, unless ofcourse he/she is pointed out as being 'adopted'(When there are any noticable changes in his/her environment, he/she is likely to associate those changes with 'adoption') Eg:- If someone points it out (say when a child fights with someone)that he/she is adopted just to hurt him/her, then the child is not necessarily hurt, but is likely to wonder what has 'adoption' to do with 'this fight'/this person'?
As far as the child doesn't have to think of comparison between 'adopted child' and 'child born from his/her own parents' and associate any feeling of guilt or fear with it, he/she should be absolutely fine with the fact that he/she is adopted. Best time to tell him/her that would be when child starts going to Kindergarten/school. Its here when he/she will be having friends and various acquaintances. Besides it wont look like you are trying to emphasize that he/she is adopted. It would look as if he/she is supposed to know this fact as he/she is going to school and will be away from his/her parents for few hours.

Answer 9

I agree with what people already said.As soon as he is old enough to understand the concept of mom,dad and family.Telling him when he is older(15 or older) will make him angry I think.I know I would be,being 15 and then finding out everything ?I thought that was true isn't.If I adopted a child I would tell him as soon as I thought he would know what I'm talking about(15 months is kinda soon I think,but you can start trying to make him understand).Also tell him it is nothing to be ashamed or worried about,that you love him with all your heart and that it means he was really wanted and therefore really treasured in your hearts.Maybe you could also give him info about his birth parents(if you have some) that way he'll know something about what his roots are.

Answer 10

My husband is adopted, the second oldest of 12 adopted children. When he was like 3 or 4 and asked where babies come from, his mom told him that normally they grow inside their mom's bellies and sometimes they're picked out by their moms. His response was basically, "oh, okay." (Being one of the oldest and going with his parents to pick up the new babies helped him understand it even better, I'm sure.)

He's very well adjusted, and we both appreciate his parents for opening their homes to him when they by all means didn't have to. I have to say that as soon as possible, you should let your son know the truth, because any delay will cause him to never trust you again. (The same reason why I won't be telling my kids about Santa Claus!)

Answer 11

Start as early as possible.

If you don't want your son to think you've betrayed him or something, telling him early on is best. Telling him you love him much more than you love life itself will make him feel special. Tell him that even though he isn't biologically tied with you, he has your heart tied around his finger and you would do anything for him. I know that may sound very mushy etc... and your son might be grossed out (when he's older, of course) but if you tell kids that, it doesn't matter if they're adopted or not.

Tell him how grateful he should be to have such a loving family... or maybe how lucky you and your husband are to have found such an adorable little boy!

I've heard this phrase many times before: You grew in my heart, not my belly.

That is very cute :)

My friend found out from the very start and she is very cool about it. She often jokes about how her parents are still "paying" for her ;)

As long as he knows he is definitely a part of the family, it'll hopefully be smooth sailing.=]