Why do you think those that were abused as children turn around and abuse others?

Question

You hear of this so often and of course, not all abused individuals turn out to be molesters or abusers themselves. I myself was abused as a child and I have so much compassion for my own children and others that the thought would never cross my mind to put another person through what I went through. I just don't understand how some turn out that way?

I can see as a child, one might think this behaviour is normal, but as an adult to think it is normal and do it to their own child or any other is no excuse. As an adult, we know right from wrong!

Answer 1

This is a difficult question to answer thoroughly, and I won't attempt a complete answer, but there is another prevalent dynamic beyond just the misperception that the abuse is normal or permissable and the fact that an abused child often lacks options or healthy role models. People who were abused had their power completely stripped from them and were made to feel helpless and powerless and by abusing a weaker victim they are often attempting to balance the scales, so to speak, and achieve some sense of control and power. Most often the original abuser is either very powerful or perceived as such and retaliation against them was not possible or safe and the child has to contain tremendous unexpressed rage in order to survive. Repressed or dissociated anger usually ends up going in one of two directions-turned inward into self-abuse (depression, in Freudian terms) or directed outwardly towards others. They don't learn how to regulate anger normally so often even small slights are blown out of proportion and trigger uncontrolled rages-a minor irritation is fed by deep pools of unexpressed rage. Further, a defense mechanism known as splitting occurs and the child grows to see the world in black and white terms-victim or perpetrator. in order to avoid being victimized, they become perpetrators, as those are the only roles they see available. (Splitting occurs most in early experiences when abuse is perpetrated on a dependent child by a caretaker-the child splits the caretaker into the good and bad caretaker in order to preserve their attachment to the perp whom they depend on for basic survival). This is very general and it's more complicated than that, but that's the essence of it.
In some cases of extreme and repeated abuse, the child internalizes the abuser (both good and bad aspects) and dissociates these aspects into separate personality fragments which actually function without the other's knowledge. These internalized perps usually continue to perpetrate onto the weaker self (in cases of dissociated self-mutilation) or onto other weaker targets and it's possible that one part of the self has no knowledge that another part is behaving as a perpetrator.
Hope this helps explain a little of the dynamics of why abused kids may abuse others. It isn't meant as a justification, just an explanation.

Answer 2

Sometimes I think people are so impoverished (not just financially but cognitively as well) that they do not know another way. I think that somewhere along the way you got the idea that what happened to you was wrong and wasn't your fault. Unfortunately some people never get that message. Sometimes it isn't just their house that's messed up but their cousins houses, grandmas house, best friends house and so it becomes almost culturally accepted.

It's so sad and thats why teachers, clergy, girl scout leaders and other people in the community are so important to these kids. Even if they can't save them, they can show them another way.

Answer 3

They probably see that as normal behavior. It needs to be pointed out, however that many people who were abused as children don't abuse as adults and many of abusers today were NOT abused as children.

Answer 4

Congratulations for breaking the cycle. You are in the minority. Often aboused children don't learn appropriate social skills or parenting skills and end up abusing those around them.

Answer 5

thanks lots. i'm a gay guy, and that i particularly say i became in no way molested by technique of absolutely everyone in my existence, and hell no i did not elect to be gay. Why could i pick something which will reason me truly some difficulty on objective (popping out, human beings's intolerance etc.) and BTW: I lived in an particularly religious family members, and that all of them HATE gay human beings, so it has no longer something to do with upbringing.

Answer 6

it's a learned behavior. they see it as children and think it's normal and alright to do the same things to their children. some realize it's not (like you) and break the cycle.

Answer 7

Because you learn how to parent from your parents.