My boyfriend of 18 months has a daughter that doesn't seem to have had much direction in her 14 years from either parent. I love her and she is respectful to me, but clearly not interested in being "part of a big family". As an only child, she has not had chores or many responsibilities and both parents will only talk to her and not each other.
I openly communicate with my ex regarding expectations for our kids, ie. grades, respect, steady chores, etc. so there is definitely a difference of parenting styles going on.
If my boyfriend moves in with me, his daughter will be moving with her mom during the week (she currently lives with him), and will be with us every weekend. I am dreading this probably as much as she is because it's clear she doesn't really want to be around us. I don't want to take her dad away from her, so I have told him not to move in. He's not happy, I am okay with that decision, and I'm sure his daughter is ecstatic. Are we giving her too much power in this?
2007-03-06 06:44:16 · 5 answers · asked by Nutzzzzz 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Maybe I wasn't clear that he has been divorced from his ex for 5 years, and I have been divorced for even longer. I didn't break his family up. Her mom lives with the guy she left my boyfriend for after 11 years of marriage. His daughter visits her mom on the weekends, but plans to move with her in May and visit us on weekends regardless if we move in together.
2007-03-06 07:13:45 · update #1
Obviously as a parent you take into consideration your children when making major life altering decisions, but you take it into consideration and don't base the outcome solely on the child. It sounds as if you and your boyfriend need to sit down together to discuss this situation and then all three of you need to sit down and discuss it also. Why can't she live with the two of you during the week and visit her on weekends as is presently the situation? It really sounds as if you and your ex have a great thing going as for as parents !!! I wish all separated parents were so lucky. Good luck to you all and God Bless.
2007-03-06 07:03:55 · answer #1 · answered by tersey562 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well did you sit down with her, just you and her? You are giving her the upper hand so now she feels like she is in control. Ask her would she rather be with her mom or her dad? If she wants to be with her dad, then tell her that the two of you want to live together and that will mean being part of a family. She may not like that idea, however, tell her she might like it more than she thinks. She should give it a real chance. If it doesn't work for her, the three of you as parents can make different arrangements for her.
Set up a time to sit down with your BF and the mom and tell them to grow up. They need to communicate with each other about her daughter because the only person they are hurting is her.
2007-03-06 15:01:14 · answer #2 · answered by starlight_940 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I applaud you for the decision you made. You are right not to shack up with this man and create a potentially hostile and difficult environment for this young girl. Not only would you be taking her dad from her, you would be injecting yourself in a situation that is just as unhealthy for you, a situtation where you do not come first to this man and should not come first. And as long as that is unacceptable to you, you are right to forego shacking up. I am deeply disturbed at your presentation of this girl as someone who is not interested in being "part of a big family". What family is it you are speaking of? Your kids and his? Can you blame her for not wanting to meld in to one big family with people she barely knows when her own family has fallen apart? Isn't that a bit much to ask of a 14 year old girl? This isn't about giving her any power, this is about doing the right thing for her. Until she is 18, her father or mother have no business shacking up with someone else and expecting her to just "play in the sandbox". Children always suffer from the fallout of screwed up adults who jump from relationship to relationship. Don't add to her problems and don't create misery for yourself. Step out of this situation altogether and let the man focus on his daughter.
2007-03-06 14:59:39 · answer #3 · answered by conservamommy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your boyfriend is putting his daughter's happiness before his own. I think that you gave her too much power. Have him sit down with his daughter and talk to her. He needs to let her know that he is happy being with you, and he wants to move in. You also need to sit down and talk to his daughter. Let her know that she may not agree with her father's decision, but it's his decision not hers to make. She needs to learn how to do chores around the house. If your kids are doing them, his daughter shouldn't be excempt from them. As long as your kids like your boyfriend, I don't see the problem in having him move in. Good Luck.
2007-03-06 14:56:01 · answer #4 · answered by Jaime A 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your BF should put his daughter first although she should not make the decisions in his life. You two should not live together until all the children are grown. It is not good to send a message to your children to live with people and not be married.
Good luck!
2007-03-06 15:01:00 · answer #5 · answered by Raspberry 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋