I haven't spoken to my mom in 10 years,now she's very sick and might die,what do i do?

Question

I'm so confused!I have'nt had a relationship with my mom or any of my sorry siblings for over 10 years due to stupidity and a lot of foolishness and nonsense,well i heard through the grapevine that my mom is in the hospiltal on a breathing machine and has had a stroke! She's 85 years old and the last time that i saw and spoke to her we had a big ole fight and a lot of things were said on both parts that i soon regreted, but for years i tried to make a mends but everytime we would just argue and other siblings would put their 2 cents in and make matters worst!I kinda took myself out of the madness and got on with my life and had'nt seen any of them or spoke on the phone for over 10 years now.I;m afraid if i try to just see her all hell will break loose again..what should i do? I don't want to seem phoney by showing up and bawlin like a new born and i don't want to have it out with my siblings either.

Answer 1

I was raised by a family of shrieking hyenas who made my life miserable until I was able to leave. I've never looked back, never contacted them, and when my mother and, later, one of my siblings, died, I felt sorrow that things couldn't have been different for all of us, but I didn't use those sad occasions to try to reach out to them.

Sometimes, when you let go, you just have to let go.

Still, if you are expressing regret, I would tell you to see her. This might be your only chance, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you did the right thing.

Answer 2

You go see your mother, ask for some time alone with her and sit by her bedside, hold her hand, and say the following..

Remember when...
I am going to miss...
Forgive me for...
I forgive you for...
I love you.
I will miss you.


Sounds like you have regrets about how your relationship turned out. If you don't get closure while she is still alive, it will eat you up for the rest of your life. Your grieving process will be so much more difficult that it should be. Everything that has happened up until now does not matter. everything that everyone else will say or think about you does not matter. What matters is how you will survive (emotionally, psychologically and spiritually) when she is gone. Get closure while she is alive, not at the grave site.

Letters and cards will not help you because deep down inside, you will want to know that she heard you. That is what eats people up, is the question of did they really hear me? Was I just talking to a wall? This is why it is important to physically go and see her and have a conversation with her.

It is going to be the single most difficult thing you have ever done in your life, but you will both have closure and old wounds will begin to heal.

Answer 3

Put your foolish pride aside and go see her or you'll quite possibly regret it for the rest of your life. Maybe try calling the hospital and speaking with the nurse about your situation. She may can tell you a good time to come when your siblings aren't going to be there. That will ward off any fights for now, but I think that at some point you need to try to make amends with all of them. Family is very important and in the long run, they may be all you have. Don't take any of them for granted.

Answer 4

She is still your mother. I think you should put everything aside, don't fight anymore. She's 85 and probably may die soon. Do you want her to leave this world on bad terms with you? Past is past, and no one can change what has been said and done. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong, I think you need to go to her as her daughter so she knows you still care. I think it would make her happy to know she raised you well. You need to be brave and swallow the pride. Go to the hospital with flowers and just be there, if any of the old stuff comes up just tell her it's in the past. Now, if she is still mad, not much you can do but wish her well, tell her you don't want her to bring up the past. If your siblings try to have it out with you, don't engage, just tell them you're there to be with your mom. They should appreciate that you aren't there to fight. Good luck, hope it all works out!

Answer 5

We are sort of in the same boat. I haven't spoken to my "biological" mom in over ten years either (As far as I know she isn't sick). Although I don't have a relationship with her I would never wish her any ill will which I am sure is the same with you. However, I don't think that I could go to the hospital. After so much time has passed I think I would feel like a foreigner in a strange land. I don't think that you need the added stress of all of it. If you would like for her to know something maybe you could send her a letter. After that then I would say the ball is in her court. If she wants to see you I am sure she will have someone contact you. I hope things work out the way you want them to. God Bless.

Answer 6

Sorry to hear that...You should make the trip Asap* to go visit your mother and be able to say all that you have wanted to say over the years...* (even if she's on a breathing machine) she would appreciate you going to see her before it's too late. As for your siblings....I would calmly say "if they approach you and tell you "you have no right to be there because for years ..blah blah blah"...Just look at them and tell them You Have Every Right to Be there as YOU also, are your mothers child*...The focus should be on your mom and you being able to let her know what's on your mind." I know you'll make your mothers day..too much time has passed...let you both be at peace* and hope your siblings have grown up in these last 10yrs....and you can all con-inside once again* Life's too short*
As for showing up and "balling"...It is not Phoney, You know that...it doesn't matter what the others say* You're sad inside also as for 10yrs you've had no relationship with your mom let alone your siblings*......They don't know who you are* You have a Heart* and have tried to reach out*.......I would GO see your mom* (and rather than having it out with your siblings...don't let it be an option* don't react to what they have to say* you know you're doing the right thing..they can have their hissy fits* So be it* You're there for your mom to let her know how much you love her before God takes her*~ GodBless*~

Answer 7

How will you feel if she dies and you didn't get to say goodbye or put your feelings out there one more time?

I know it's tough and you don't want to have to deal with arguments and other's input, but make your choice based on having no regrets. Even if you go and it's just as much issue as you fear, at least you'll know you went, you saw her, you said what you wanted to say, and that's that...

If you feel like your effort in the past was enough, and you are at peace internally with the situation, then don't put your self through it for no reason. Only you know how much it's worth to risk the aggravation...and you also know that although it's likely to be there (arguing and aggravation) that it's possible there might not be any, or much...

Have no regrets...

Answer 8

The real concern is how you would feel if you did not speak to your mother before she died.

It sounds like your parents were not so good and your siblings stick their noses into issues that do not concern them. I would say that your best course of action with them is to ignore them all together. Right now you have to focus on your mother and what you need to do about your relationship with her.

Since your mother is not doing well, you are not likely to have an argument with her. Just make sure not to discuss anything with her that the two of you argue about, even if she brings up the issues. You can always redirect the conversation to your concern for her health.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 9

This is your last chance to make peace with your mom. Don't worry about your siblings or what they will think/say. Just go visit your mom, tell her you love her, and that you regret that you've been apart all these years. Don't get into blame or arguments or guilt or anything about the past, just focus on these last few moments you have with her and ease her passing.

If you see your siblings, just say "I'm here for Mom; I don't want to dreg up the past, so let's just let it lie and focus on her for now, okay?"

Answer 10

Sunny, you have to do what is in your heart to do, and remember you have to live with your decision for the rest of your life. She is your mother and no matter how much you disagreed about life, she gave birth to you and loves you no matter what happend in the past. And remembe Sunny, when she is gone, well you can't turn back that clock and say sorry again.

I am so sorry about your situation, good luck and I hope you make the right choice for you