I am married, have 1 child and live several states away from my family, but my mother still insists that we "chat" every day and email several times a day. She is very sensative and believes I am upset with her if I do not email her for a day or two. She also believes that when I don't talk to her that my husband is telling me I can't (he's not). She believes daughters have a commitment to their mothers to be "best friends" their whole lives, because this is the relationship she and her mother have. I love her dearly, but I have my own life and resposibilities! Her close relationship with her mother caused her divorce with my father after 15 years of marriage (and she blames HIM for not being understanding enough), I DON'T want to suffer the same fate, but I also don't want to hurt her. What to do??
2007-03-06 05:30:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anna 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Your priority is to your husband and your child. When you got married you made vows to your husband to honor and love him. How can you allow your husband to feel #1 if your constantly worried about not hurting your mothers feelings? I would tell your mother that you love her and that you will call her 2-3 times a week to chat and see how she's doing. Allow your husband to see that you are his woman and that he's your man, by standing up to your mom. Yes she will prob. be upset for a while, but she will get over it....eventually.
2007-03-06 09:41:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say: "I DON'T want to suffer the same fate, but I also don't want to hurt her. What to do??"
I say, well then don't suffer and you may have to hurt her for her to learn!
Believe me I too have a mother like your's but I had to change her and I had to do it the hard way and believe me, over time she learned and now things are great!
We tend to, as kind and loving human beings, especially when it comes to showing love and respect to our parents, we short change ourselves in the process. Their is no reason why you need to go through this with the potential of hurting your immediate family all for the sake of not hurting her. Just like your mom does to you, does she ever think about how it is effecting you personally? Or how your feelings are hurt? No, because thats what she wants, to still have control over you no matter the cost. There is a fine line between parenting and control. And from what I have learned, I am a mother of a teenage boy, whom I adore, I had to learn that although I am his provider and protector he still has a life of his own and needs to grow. You already established your life with your husband and now you have child to care for. So please, don't be in this pain. You need to talk to your mom and express to her exactly what you said here. If she gets angry, which I am sure she will, then you be the mature parent out of the two and suggest that you talk another time when she is more receptive.This may go on for a while and you will not be happy in the process but just think of the good you will do, not only for your family but for her. You will make her a better person and soon she will understand. I suggest you explain what your plans are to your husband, just so he knows that during this time you will be upset and probably need him for support. This is to prevent him from "wondering" why you are upset.
I know you love your mom, as I do, but I couldn't take it anymore. She use to put things in my head about my husband. She would critque how I raised my son, she made me feel worthless and when I didn;t call, I was hit with, "What if I died, how would you know?" The guilt was insurmountable. I took it out on my husband and my child. Never again!!! I stuck to my guns and a year went by where all we did was argue and there came a point when I stopped calling, even when she called me. But when she realized that this was how it was going to be and nothing more, we now have the BEST relationship and I am grateful to the person who told me to take a stand.
So take your stand. Tell her you love her but tell her you need to give 100% to your husband and child but that there is a special place in your heart for her. However, if she continues to be this way, you cannot extend the same devotion back to her and she must understand this.
Good luck honey, you deserve it.
2007-03-06 05:46:59 · answer #2 · answered by megabites42 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just tell her how you feel, in no uncertain terms. Let her know that you are unable to continue to chat every day but that you will call her at _ o'clock every Tuesday and Thursday. Tell her you will check your email every other day.
You need to save your sanity and your marriage and put your foot down. She needs to understand that although you love here very much you also love your husband and your child. While it's wonderful to have a close relationship sometimes it's too close.
Good Luck.
2007-03-06 05:37:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even best friends do not talk everyday and email each other several times daily.
Just have a loving conversation with her and let her know that you have a very busy life and that you need to set up a couple days a week where you can call each other.
Let her know you love her and you will always be best friends but you other obligations also.
You may have to make it happen.
2007-03-06 05:39:17 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mom is being a typical mom.....and in her eyes you will forever be her little girl. It's going to be tough, because maybe she just wants to be in your life more than you expected. The best is maybe to take her out...just you and her maybe to a nice park or simple lunch and talk it out with her. Tell her how much you love her and tell her how much she means to you and that you like it when she keeps in touch....but that you do need a little space because with your child it could be a little overwhelming. Assure her that you like her attention, and that you love her, but that you also need a lot of time to take care of stuff that is going on in your life. Just be open and honest, don't be harsh, but don't beat around the bush either.
It might take maybe a few times of you telling her this, but eventually she should be able to let go a bit. Goodluck!
2007-03-06 05:37:24 · answer #5 · answered by M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to cut off gently the amount of e-mails to send and receive, pretend that you have new commitments, volunteer job and so on.
Then, do you think she might be lonely? If you could make her to pick up some hobby or something. Or volunteer indeed, and tell her that to be close she must do the same! Then she will have less time to call and e-mail.
2007-03-06 05:33:28 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
say mom i love you but i can't e-mail you everyday i have things that need to get done, I'm not mad at you. if i don't call you one day it doesn't mean we are fighting. or i don't love or care about you. you are still important to me, you are my mom. i will love you always, right now i need to focus on my family, so my child feels my love like i always felt yours. something like that. so she wont get hurt and understands you are grown. and e-mail her once in a while. thank her for understanding and giving you some time. good luck
2007-03-06 05:39:59 · answer #7 · answered by sassy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop the e-mails.
Send her an e-mail once or twice a month.
You should not feel obligated it's time for change. It's time for you to be front and center. Taker care..
2007-03-06 05:38:23 · answer #8 · answered by angels 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
cut the ties already you baby. Get caller id and don't answer the phone unless you actually feel like talking. If she tries the guilt trip then get off the phone. Explain to her that you are a busy person and can't deas with her selfish, childish behavior. She will get the hint--------eventually.
2007-03-06 05:45:50 · answer #9 · answered by fuzzbuzz514 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
u gotta tell her how u feel.. if she really loves she will understand.. she mite be sad n stuff but if u really feel that way then u have to talk to her about it!
good luck!
2007-03-06 05:36:00 · answer #10 · answered by short stuff 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋