Help with 5 yr old!!!!?

Question

My partner has a 5 yr old from a previous marriage who stays at ours on weekends. At night she cant sleep through and wakes up between 5-7 times and comes into our room. During the day she cant occupy herself for 5 mins and needs constant attention. Its driving me mad!! I know we only see her at weekends so we should make the most of it but were expecting a baby in Sept and shes going to have to get used to having shared attention. Can any1 help??!!!

She has her own room aswell with loads of toys. We buy her something pretty much every weekend too weather its a coloring book, paintings, dolls, computer games, dvds.

It has got to the point now where i take a back seat at weekends so she has time with just her and daddy but my partner doesnt like this and we end up arguing as he thinks im ignoring her. I cant win!!

Answer 1

Can you talk with her mom and see if she does this during the week? I think a consistent reward from both homes would help tremendously. She wants attention, so give it to her when she plays independently for 15 minutes, sleeps in her bed (at first only waking 4 times, then 3, then, 2, then none), etc. Keep a reward chart going and give her stars for the stated behaviors. Even if she only does it on weekends, you'll see an improvement. Be sure she can trade stars for attention like playing a game with you and her dad, a walk, a movie, going to the park, etc. I wouldn't use punishment until you've really tried the positive reinforcement for a good month or two. Hopefully, that's all you'll need. Best of luck!

Answer 2

That is a really hard situation and when my stepdaughter was 5 I was pregnant. And your stepchild will definately be jealous but that is just natural so prepare for it. She is after all only 5 years old.

From experience I can say that 5 years old is still a good age where you can easily bond with a child and develop a really good relationship. She probably is really bored and really lonely and with your new baby coming up you will need to get used to all the attention children need.

Just having toys and buying them things is never enough. They want time with you. So that is completely normal. And I would really suggest spending time with her. You might really learn some really good things about each other. You definately shoudln't sit back because she will be in your life forever and you are just creating a situation that will eventually become much much worse.

She probably can't sleep on her own because tehcnially she is just a weekender at your house so maybe she's not fully comfortable. You can lay down rules but make sure that she has something to look forward to like spending time withyou guys.

I promise the time goes by way to quickly and once it's gone it's gone. My stepdaughter is now 15 and the close relationship we developed has really paid off.

So good luck. Make it a goal to be a good stepparent. Not many people can do it so if you suceed you can be proud. I know I am and so are many other people. It makes my life easier too and my stepdaughters, my husband and my stepdaughter's mom.
Also I have a really mean stepmom myself and she has been the biggest headache/heartache in my life!

Answer 3

During the day, does she have enough stuff to do to keep her occupied? Does she have a room set up for her with toys of her own? Or is it sparce at this point?

She needs activities. If she cant come up with them on her own, start her on coloring activities, and see how that goes. Try to set her up with something she can do on her own that would take a little bit of time.

Remember, though, she's 5. She's splitting time between families, and she's going to be attention craving. It will get better as she gets older, but its going to be on you to get her going in the right direction.

At night, it may be because its not her normal bed. Even if she is there every weekend, she spends 5 of the 7 nights in a different bed. That one may be a bit harder to break. A nightlight maybe?

Answer 4

I have a 4 year old with a similar problem, though only gets up once or twice in the night. The child may be looking, not for attention, but for assurance that your relationship with her mother is secure. I have found that my 4 yr old is less likely to come to my husband and I in the night if we had just spent a lot of time together that day. However, the nights after he has been gone for a few days she's usually there once or twice. Make sure she sees you and your partner as a team and as a couple. Spend quality time with your partner in front of her. Sit on the couch in the living room and have a conversation with your partner.
It's just a thought, hope it helps.

Answer 5

Hi, i have just posted a question about my 5yr old being a bag full of whinge, never doing anything alone & always crying & moaning & most people responded that she is wanting attention.
Night waking - my daughter does this, i have resorted to bribery ie: we will buy u a small gift if u stay in yr own bed tonight & remember in sept u will have a newborn sleeping in yr rm so that will make her more jeleous, and I think that is what it comes down to is jeleousy.
Don't take this the wrong way but are u giving her enough alone time with her daddy ? maybe make sure she has a lot of 1 to 1 time with him as to be fair that is who she wants to see when she visits, even silly time like asking her to take daddy to tesco & get some shopping she won't care what they are doing as long as he only has eyes for her, i think especially with a new baby on the way u need to look at how her weekends are spent and make sure she has daddy all to herself most of the time.
once she has had this time for say a month or 2 u will notice a difference and during that time u could always try & grab some bonding time with her yourself ie: help u make dinner, help daddy set the table & wash up & then let daddy give her a bath read her a story & put her to bed whilst u put yr feet up & then spend the evening with yr partner.
Good luck p.s yr partner should count himself luck that u care enough to be asking the question prehaps he should put some extra effort in, after all she is the child not him & u have another one on the way x x

Answer 6

My 5 year old daughter will only play if someone else plays with her. You need a good imagination to play alone and not all kids have this. They get better with age and if you take time out in the day to play a game with her then tell her you are busy for a while and you will play again later if she behaves and does not natter.

Or take her out for the day rather than being stuck in as they always want attention if trapped inside.

Is there another child to play with around you? They could play in the garden together. Children like company and if her parents a split it must be wierd for them having 2 homes and such.

Answer 7

This must be a very difficult situation for you as it can be hard to know what role you should take with this little girl since she is not your daughter and you only see her at weekends. Also having a baby on the way has made you worried about changing her behaviour before it arrives! However, she is your partner's daughter and therefore will always be a central role in your new life together. Imagine how she must feel as well having to share her dad and cope with two different rules, beds etc! It is very important that she feels totally included in your little family so you need to reassure her that you want her too. This will then help you to enjoy her and feel secure that she will love her little brother or sister and want to help you out with them.

What you must remember is that positive attention does not mean that you have to sit with her every minute. I have found that a good way to encourage a child of that age is to comment on her play in a positive way. For example, "I like the way you have given the dolly her tea, she looks very happy" etc... By noticing lots of positive aspects of her play it will encourage her to keep playing. Reward her play on her own, by introducing a short activity that you can do together, e.g. glueing and sticking, colouring in a picture, completing a jigsaw at the end of a certain amount of time. Take her out for a walk - good for you as well as her and it will tire her out! To make her bed inviting and secure allow her to choose the duvet cover or nightlight ( My son has lovely fairy lights above his bed which he loves) At nights you and your partner will have to keep taking her back to her own bedroom whenever she gets into your bed, give her a short cuddle and leave. This may persist for a few weeks, however, over time she will reduce the number of times she gets out of bed. Good luck!

Answer 8

she's obviously feeling unloved and insecure. If she's confident that she has love, the constant need for attention will gradually dissapate. It takes time, love and attention.

However, it sounds like she's an inconvenience to you and your partner...so for the child's sake, I'd recommend that the child stay at the other parent's full-time and both of you just stay out of her life if you don't have what it takes to love her and give her the attention she needs.

FYI, giving her loving attention does NOT mean giving in to her every wish and want...and it does not mean constant babying and lavishing her with material things. It means being there to look out for her best interests...saying no when needed and also giving a hug when needed. When it's bedtime or dinner time, don't give in to crying, blackmail...etc. A loving parent understands that they have only a short time to help their children learn and adjust to become good adults. Spoiling her with undeserved gifts, praise, and giving in will only create an out of control teen and then a dysfunctional adult who will equate love with receiving things. (your comment that she can't occupy herself for 5min leads me to believe that you give in and get a toy or whatever, to get her out of your hair, and are frustrated when the toy only lasts a short while.) However, if you have the fortitude, raising a child and helping her to grow and learn can be an amazing reward to fulfill your life.

Answer 9

During the day, give her a full hour of one-to-one and maybe do an outdoor activity like walks, the three of you. So she sees the three of you as a family. Prepare bed time with a nice fairy tale story and maybe introduce a special teddy who needs to sleep peacefully otherwise it is grumpy in the morning...
Good luck

Answer 10

The child is clearly a bit insecure at your home as she is only there weekends. Its quite normal for children to get up in the night and head for Mum and Dads bed. Thats where they find security. By the tone of your question i think you need to look at yourself and your attitude towards the child. You need to interact and create a happy playfull enviroment for the child and welcome her as part of your family. Find activities that you both can enjoy and activities the child can enjoy on her own. It seems you need to learn some parenting skills which i am sure you can get classes for or perhaps your mother or grandmother can help.
As for the person suggesting locking the child in or out well that can be termed as child abuse.