Should mothers work outside the home?

Question

I posted this accidentally in marriage and relationships and want to repost it in the parenting section. I live in Michigan and we are inundated with the Tara Grant case right now. Many aspects of the case bother me but there is one aspect that bothers me as a mother: she worked long hours outside the home and had au pairs come in to her home to take care of her children. She paid other women to do what I believe was not only her job and obligation, but also a treasure that was given to her. Many women today are too busy climbing that corporate ladder, trying to prove themselves in society and falsely believing that the daily activities of caring for and loving her children reading, getting them dressed, serving their meals, cuddling them to sleep , guiding their moral development, etc can all be done better or sufficiently by someone else. Please don't give me the two income excuse. Two dedicated parents can work different shifts and find a compromise if they really wanted to!

To those of you telling me I should mind my own business-why so defensive? This is after all a site where people are allowed to ask opinions and share their own. It is my opinion that nobody can raise your children better than YOU, the mother and if you are working long hours outside the home and relying on other women to raise your children you are not making them your priority! You are putting your own needs and desires ahead of your child's well being. That is called selfish. And to those of you that go on and on about having to work because your husband won't or can't, etc-how sad that you chose a BUM to create a family with. Perhaps if you had chosen a real man you wouldn't have to abandon your kids everyday in order to provide. But in the end it is your children who are being cheated!

Dani-if you must know I am referring more to women who have kids and then climb the corporate ladder, for their own ego and bring in nannies to raise their children. Please. I am not stupid. Of course I know some women don't have a choice. But I do wish in those cases the women simply put off having children until they COULD devote their time and resources to them. But I know life doesn't always work out that way! I am not standing in judgment of women who have no choice but to work. I feel sorry for them and their kids. I AM standing in judgment of women who CHOOSE to work to feed their own ego (and it happens all the time) and stick their kids with strangers to rear.

Answer 1

I know I'm in the minority, but I agree with you. Of course I am only referring to women who *do* have a choice..... there are many who really do need both incomes just to pay for the basics. My husband and I don't make a ton of money, but we've made it work and have made sacrifices so that I could be home with the kids before they were school aged. We were able to do much more than we thought! Our children are in many activities........dance, ice skating, piano lessons, art classes. My husband and I have sacrificed though as far as driving older cars, not going out to eat, not taking trips, and not saving money etc. to make this happen. Now that they are all going to be starting school I am going back to work because we do need to stop living paycheck to paycheck and saving for college etc.

It will be difficult and I wish I could stay home longer, but this was the compromise we made and I feel blessed that I was able to be home with them during those first few formative years. Of course, there are situations where it really cannot be done, but there are MANY instances where if some compromises/sacrifices were made, the parents could make it work.

As a kid I was raised to think as a woman I could "have it all." I still think I can to a certain extent.........JUST NOT ALL AT THE SAME TIME. There is a time for family, and a time to focus on career. Finding that balance is the tricky part---but I do believe strongly that if you give your children your full devotion (rather than split yourself between work/family) it will pay off greatly in the long run.

Answer 2

I think this one statement: "Go back to making your cookies, dinner and enjoying the life of a homemaker and let the rest of us juggle, as we may not have it as good as you" sums up the ignorance and irrationality that comes from so many women who are defensive about their decision to work outside the home and leave their kids with someone else. Being a sahm is not just about making cookies and dinner and having a grand old time. It is hard, demanding WORK that a woman should be PROUD to do and that has great rewards later in life when your kids are grown and you can look back and know YOU raised them and didn't miss out! It only lasts for so long! Anybody can punch a time clock every day or climb a corporate ladder but it takes a special amount of love and devotion to put your own career and education goals on hold for a while to be the one to love and care for your family. And don't give me this stuff about "what about the father" and "can't the father be a parent, too". Of course he can! Nobody is saying he can't. But women are inherently more nurturing for a reason. Of course both parents have important roles to play. And furthermore, this has nothing to do with political leanings-conservatives, liberals, non-partisan-it doesn't matter where you stand on politics in order to make the decision to be your kid's MOM and not just the woman who donated an egg and then handed her spawn over to a nanny or a daycare center while she scrambles for reason and excuses as to why she HAS to work. Of course some families struggle and the woman absolutely has to work-but any marriage can survive as long as you both know you are making sacrifices for your kids! And this just might involve yes, working different shifts, mom working weekends, dad working two jobs...your kids are small for such a short time. Why are they not worth the effort for some of you??? THAT'S what you should be asking yourself.

Answer 3

Why is it that you only say "women" when you speak of parenting? Arent fathers a parent too? Why is it just HER obligation?


Work different shifts? What is the point of being a family if the family is hardly ever together? How can a man and a women succeed in a healthy marriage if they are never together?

What has this Tara Grant case got to with this anyway? Are you saying her husband murdered her because she worked? Didn't the father work as well? Why does THAT not bother you? As a mother, what should bother you is that those kids are motherless forever now..not that the mother was a successful human being.

Answer 4

I will attempt to forget that we are talking about a woman that was brutally murdered and dismembered by her husband and address your question.
This situation, as almost all do, has two sides.
Remember, not all mothers are "climbing the corporate ladder", some are actually attempting to make ends meet. Now, being that Mrs. Grant could hire au pairs says a lot about how much money she was making, however for a lot of people this is not the case. I personally think the woman was attempting to escape her homicidal husband and insure that her children were taken care of by someone else other than that beast.
Two dedicated parents can work different shifts???? That's great, if the parents are working jobs that have shifts. Remember many people work jobs that only work during the day, so it is not an "excuse". Take my situation for example:
I was in the Marine Corps and my husband worked as a developer for defense systems as a civilan contractor, both of us had day jobs, and sometimes my job ran really long hours when he was out of town. What was I going to do? Quit? Not stand my post or do my duites?
Tell ya' what: You have it good. Go back to making your cookies, dinner and enjoying the life of a homemaker and let the rest of us juggle, as we may not have it as good as you. Attempt, one of these days, to come out of your "suburbian dreamland" and see how it works in the inner city, that might open your eyes that these mothers love their children just as much as you do, if not more, as they know what it feels like to miss them on a daily basis.
Oddly enough as you call yourself "Conservamommy", I am Christian, a veteran Marine, registered Republican, as well as an activist, and I couldn't disagree with you more.
I haven't looked at the Tara Grant case from your angle, thank God I don't have that ablility, and I am sickend and ashamed to have you claim to be apart of the "conservative" ranks.

Answer 5

I work outside the home. I choose to. Yes, I need the money; but I would work even if I didn't. My career provides intellectual stimulation and a chance to interact with adults. I love my job.

I don't "let other people raise my daughter." Yes, she is in day care for about 7 hours a day. But when she is home, her father and I are able to devote all of our time to her. I think I am providing a good example to her of a strong, independent woman.

By the way, she's 9 months old and LOVES her day care. She laughs and giggles when we bring her there - she's very social and loves to play with the other kiddies.

I don't understand why it is "bad" to work, or it's "ok, but only if you hate your job and just do it for the money."

I am not ashamed of the choices that I make.

I do not look down on those people (male OR female) who choose to stay home. Different solutions will be best for different families.

I DO have a problem with other people telling me that I'm a bad mom, or trying to dictate my life. I also have a problem with the assumption that women should be the ones to sacrifice their careers, and that the men should have no responsibility.

Answer 6

I agree with you. I have never had an au pair (what's the difference between an au pair, a nanny and a babysitter, anyhow????) At times I have had to work outside my home. Last summer when my husband was unemployed I was the only source of income. It was tough too! But during that time my kids had their daddy. And before, grandma babysat for us. She was a godsend, and the kids got so close to her! Now I have the joy and ability of being at home with them. They need me more than they need another income or a second car or a boat or two weeks on a cruise.

I think that we need to prioritize. Is it really necesary? Am I working to feed them or feed my ego? And yes, moms should raise their kids. Not some hired help.

Answer 7

I feel you are making a rather sexist statement, here. No one says men can't work and climb the corporate ladder and still be dads. No one says a man is a bad father when he does this, but women are called bad mothers for pursuing a career! That isn't fair. Not all working mothers are selfish and uncaring. And not all stay at home moms are saints. I've known working moms who are masters at balancing their time, so they can give their children as much quality time as possible and I've known stay at home moms who are more interested in chatting on their cell phones than they are in caring for their kid. Being in Southern California, I'm not familiar with Tara Grant, but just because she sounds like an uncaring mom doesn't mean all working moms are. Personally, I work part-time and have never had to employ child care, for which I am grateful (my husband works from home). I've loved being their for my sons (who are 9 and 12), but I've had to work to make ends meet. I could make more money, certainly, if I worked full-time, but that was not the decision I chose to make. That was my choice but I'm not going to assume it would be everyone's choice.

Answer 8

.I think one of the parents should stay home if at all possible. Most of the time it should be the mother, but not always. I think there are cases where both parents have to work to make ends meet for the essentials of life. However, having two brand new cars in the driveway, an expensive house, and every other materialistic thing needed to keep up with Jones's are not the essentials. I think people forget this. I don't like to judge people so to each their own. I'm sure people are doing the best that they can. For me that means staying at home and raising my own children

Answer 9

While I realize that in some circumstances (like my sister's, she's a single mom - her husband was cheating on her while overseas), a working mother is an inevitability, and while I also realize that in this day and age I am LUCKY to be able to stay at home with our daughter, I also have to agree with you to a point.

My own mother stayed at home with us (I'm the oldest of 4), but started working at home after they'd had my two younger brothers (the last 2). My dad was on the road a lot with one of the railroads. My sister and I were both well ahead of other children our age when we entered school, and though all four of our IQs were in the higher percentile, even the way we TREATED other kids was more developed than other kids our age. My husband noticed the difference, especially since HIS mom was single (his dad died) but he had the influence of having his grandmother at home working with him - his difference in IQ, reading comprehension, AND how he treated others was far ahead of other kids his age. And when we found out we were pregnant, he asked me if I'd mind trying to find a way for me to stay at home with our daughter. Of course I wouldn't mind! And we've noticed the difference - everyone thinks she's a whole year older than she really is because of how she acts, comprehends, and speaks! (she's 2)

I have to say that the two income excuse is just that - an excuse. Having our daughter and having less STUFF is more important to us than having 2 incomes. And we live in a city with a high cost of living! We are renting a house at the moment to save up enough money for a down payment on the house we WANT to have, saving money for emergencies, and paying off the debt that we'd built up before we got pregnant (on two incomes, no less!). My husband even had a time when he worked for a "department store" (*cough*Wallyworld*cough*), right after our daughter was born, and we STILL found a way for me to stay at home for our daughter. So it CAN be done, if you're wanting to do it. It's not just for people with a "great job".

Answer 10

You really need to worry more about yourself and not other people.
It is my personal oppinion that the most important thing for ME is to be home with my kids but that doesn't mean it's the best for someone else and that's okay. That's why we live in America.
Needing two incomes is not an excuse. You clearly don't live in a big city where the cost of living is HIGHER than the average single income allows. How do you know what financial state others are in?