How can I tell my daughter about her horses death?

Question

My horse andie had to be put down last week after a severe injury. He got his hoof caught in the gate on his paddock and struggled all night. When I came out the next day I found him standing in the field on three legs. He ripped his right fore hoof off, we found his hoof later. We had to put him down. Now the problem is he was my 5 yr olds horse. We haven't told her yet that he is dead, we keep telling her he is in the field when we go to the ranch. How can we tell her what happened?

Answer 1

Like all of the other respondents, I too am very saddened by your loss. This is the toughest question most horse people ever face- and it doesn't get any easier, no matter how often one goes through it. I agree with the opinion that your little girl should be told the truth in a way that she can understand, no matter how painful it is for her ( and you) to hear and say it. This will help prevent her from imagining things are different- which in the long run will do more harm. Expect some tears, and possibly some anxiety about having you and her father away from her. Kids frequently react to the stress of grief by having physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, not wanting to eat, vomiting if they do eat, and so forth. If your daughter is in school, make sure her teacher knows that there has been a tragedy in your family ( yes, losing a horse the way you lost Andie is a tragedy, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise) and that it's okay if your daughter doesn't feel like participating in her regular activities for a while. She needs time to grieve and heal, just as you do. Finally, I would tell your daughter that it's okay to cry, get angry ( anger is part of grief) and also that it's okay to talk about what happened. Don't be afraid to let her see YOUR tears and pain- that will have the effect of bringing you closer, because it will let your daughter know that you are human too. Good luck to you, and I am very sorry for your loss.

Answer 2

Wow I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a same situation a couple years ago when I had to have my horse put down after struggling in a fence and that was a horse I had owned from birth.

There is no easy way to tell her, but she should know the truth from the beginning, without the details she doesn't need to know at such a young age. Tell her her horse is in a better place with lots of green fields and huge herds to run with. Try to make the best out of the worst situation. When I lose an animal getting another one has always been the easiest way for me to recover. This is not to replace the horse that was lost, but a way to fill the huge void in the heart and give her something to help her recovery from the loss.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope she will take it as best as she can.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. You have to tell your baby girl about her horse, and you know it is going to hurt her to her very core. I know you dread it. We all hate to lose what we love. The best advice is this: Don't talk down to her. A lot of how she handles loss will depend upon how you handle it and how you deliver it. She's 5, so she's going to cry...and that's a healthy response. Sit her down, just the two of you, and tell her that you have some bad news, and that she's a big girl and that you know she can handle it. Tell her that her horse got sick and it was in pain. In order to end it's suffering, it had to be put down. Then tell her that you made a choice for her. Tell her that you knew she'd rather have her horse in heaven, and without pain than to have it here, with her, but hurting. Explain that death is just another part of life. I'll bet you've done a great job raising her, and if that's true, she'll be fine. Just don't let her transfer her pain into worrying about you and your spouse, and whether or not you'll die. Assure her, if she exhibits this type of response, that you and her father/mother will always be there for her. Good Luck, and may God bless and keep you all....especially your greatest "gift"; your daughter.

Answer 4

Same way I told my five year old his mother had passed away. I told him the truth. You don't have to be brutal, but sit her down and tell her Andie had an accident and something happened to him and he has died. I know you loved Andie and I know you will miss him, and we will all miss him, but now I want you to understand this and be brave, because he would want you to be brave and remember him and that he loved you very much. Remember, too, if you want to talk about Andie and how you feel go right ahead any time and it will be okay to cry, dear. We want to cry too, because Andie was a special horse and we will all miss him and be sad because he is gone. So, if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask, okay? And make sure you are available to talk to her about the horse and express her feelings. Explain what you did and why. Tell her how much Andie was suffering and in pain and you couldn't do anything for him and this was the only way you could do anything for him.Use this as a way of teaching your daughter about life and death and the value of life and the way you deal with death.

Answer 5

It largely depends on your belief system. Whatever you decide, be honest, straight forward and don't lie. Children know when adults are trying to "soften" things for them and it really doesn't help build their confidence in us. Sorry... I know it's not fun, but it's life and it's way more important that she knows she can always come to you for the straight answers.

If it were me: I would sit her down, or find a time when we can talk without interruption. (Don't make it too heavy, she will react they way she thinks you expect her to react, so try to let her feel her own feelings. ) I might say something like, "Sweetie, I have some sad news about Andie. He died because he got hurt and it was the kind of thing that wasn't going to get better." Then, wait to see how she takes it... Stay calm, soothe her if she cries and don't judge her reactions. Answer any questions she has as honestly as you can. (They may not come until days later, but they will come.) She will explore the concept of death and passing and she will look to you to explain your family's beliefs about death. It is a fact of life that is better taught gently at this point than abruptly without planning later. You're a thoughtful and dedicated parent for considering this so carefully.

Best wishes to you and your daughter. I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 6

That is incredibly sad; I'm sorry for your loss. I think that any way you do this it will hurt, especially becuase he/she is so young. But a good way to segue into it might be explaining death to him/her, and have him/her understand that. It is essential that the fact of death be understood, before you can get into specifics. Maybe talk about how there is a "Horse Heaven" or something and he will be happy there, and think of him/her. But you should expect him/her to cry, hell, I would cry myself and I'm 53. Losing a horse is a terrible thing to go through, but you should tell him/her as soon as possible, you owe her that much. I wish you good luck.

Answer 7

She of course, doesn't need to know the tragic details. But, at 5, she is of the age when children are beginning to have a concept of death. These links may be helpful:
http://www.newhorizonchildcare.com/Home/Resources/0804%20cope%20w%20death.pdf
http://dying.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=dying&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.journeyofhearts.org%2Fjofh%2Fgrief%2Fkids_death
http://family.samhsa.gov/talk/death.aspx
http://www.cvm.uiuc.edu/petcolumns/showarticle.cfm?id=437
It may or may not help to take a clipping of hair from the mane or tail to help with the loss (you know your daughter best)

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Take care.