How can I talk with my husband about this...?

Question

We have a 10 month old girl. My husband works 8 hrs. a day, 5 days a week. I stay at home. When he's at home, a lot of times I can tell that our daughter wants to play with her daddy. But he only wants to sit infront of the t.v. and doesn't really spend time with her, except for about 10-15 min. that he watches her when I'm taking a shower.
I don't want him to get upset with me, I don't want him to think that I don't care that he's tired from working, but I do think that he needs to bond with the baby... she looked so sad (and cried) the other day cause she was trying to climb on his lap and he just grabbed her and put her down on the floor away from him... I'm not trying to "bad mouth" him, but I have no one to talk to and that's why I seek advice from you guys... How can I talk to him about this? What should I tell him to make him see that the baby just wants her daddy's attention sometimes?...
Thank you very much for reading my long question!

NO.... I'M MOST DEFINATELY NOT pusshing the baby at him when he gets home from work. I always give him about 1 hour to "do his thing".... yet he rolls his eyes when I ask in my most loving non-aggravated voice "Would you like to play with Juli? She's been waiting for you all day..."
Sometimes he has said: "I don't know how to play with a baby", and I tell him just roll a ball on the floor, or show her some board books, etc, easy stuff...

Answer 1

My husband used to do the same thing. One day I got sick of it (I was a little hormonal & preg with 2nd daughter) and I said to him " This is your child too, so act like you give a crap because right now, I feel like I am a single mom! I am tired too, I work too, and I will GLADLY change jobs with you if you think what I do is so easy. I dont sit around and eat bon-bons and watch Oprah, and tomorrow, I have an appointment and I think you can watch our daughter." (so I was a little over the top).
But the next day I went out and left the baby with him, and after that, he never gave me any crap about it, and gladly let me have a break when he got home from work. Which turned out nice for Me and my daughter because she got more time with daddy.
Sometimes guys just dont realize that they are doing anything wrong, or anything that upsets you, so you just need to tell them.

Answer 2

I didn't have this problem with my husband with our son. He was the best ever when it came to our son. Even when he would come home from working 12-14 hours a day he would get up in the middle of the night to feed him/change him. I mean i would be getting up and he would say no i wanna do it.
He is still the same way now with our son (he is 5 years old now) and he will get right down in the dirt with him and play dumptrucks and such.

Now i would be so mad if i were in your situation cause i do know people like your husband towards their own kids. My own father was like that towards me and my sisters. (My mom had 6 girls, 1 boy) I cannot recall not one time our daddy playing a game with us or anything like that. He always worked and was at home and we never did go without anything (moneywise) but he didn't have nothing to do with us but oh by god when our little brother came along he done so much with him (still does he is 12) and that makes me think that he did not have anything to do with us because we were girls but whatever it was we do not feel close to him at all the way we do our mom.

I would tell your husband that your child is not going to even want to get around him if he keeps pushing her away. A baby/kid can tell when someone is not wanting them. I would also say it wouldn't kill you to give her a bath or feed her or to even play peek-a-boo.
Ask him if your daughter was a son would it be any different. I think that is so wrong when someone is like that.

My husband has worked for many years at 12-14 hour shifts, 6 days a week and he always makes time. He works in the coal mines so imagine what hard work that is and the risk/stress that comes with it and it does not bother him to come in and play with our son. Never been a problem from day one.

I am sorry that you are going through this and how your daughter is sad that he pushes her away but all you can do is tell him and if he couldn't still yet have anything to do with her i believe i would leave cause that would just kill me on the inside to see my husband push our child away time after time like he was in the way.
Good luck

Answer 3

I feel you on this question, my fiance' is a welder and works anywhere between 10-12 hours sometimes 15 hours a day. He also teaches at a local vocational school two days a week from 5-10:30 so on those days he only gets to see his son for a few minutes or so and by the time he gets home our son is already sleeping. I feel for you on this because that was how he was before but I sat down and had a talk with him and let him know how important it was for him to spend time with his son when able to. Just sit down with him and tell him exactly what you said to us and let him know that children don't stay children and that he should spend as much time as he can with his precious daughter before he realizes how much he has missed out on. I wish you the best of luck with this. Good luck and just lay it out on the table with your husband

Answer 4

this sounds like a tough one! i would bring up the subject in the most matter-of-fact non-accusatory way. perhaps "honey, i've noticed that you don't seem to like holding baby girl" then pause...silence.... also, are you pushing the baby at him the moment he walks in the door? i understand- i stayed home with 2 boys, 22 months apart. i had no family locally, and could not wait fot the moment he came in the door "here! take him!!" be sure you give him time to decompress after work. try to do things together on the weekend- maybe take her to a park, so he can see how easily they can be entertained. i think some dads are very self-conscious about their parenting- so pay close attention and make sure you are not hovering or coaching when he has her.. also, you could leave the two of them together. i remember when i was in your position- besides waiting for him to get home, i wanted to leave. sometimes it was just a run around the block, but even more luxorious (ha) was a trip to eckerds or cvs, wander around in the makeup, check the magazines, look at the recent holiday decorations, buy some greeting cards so you aren't caught off gaurd the next birthday.... from now until god knows when, you have GOT to make time for yourself. again,very non-chalantly "honey, i really need to go to the drug store- i couldn't get there today because blah blah blah... i'm going to run over there right now, i'll be back in 30 minutes- then the mini-report- i just changed her, or she just woke up from a long nap, then out the door."
also, i had irritable times- sometimes i am over sensitive to things- and some 10 month olds are doing some jabbing, pulling, drooling. and playing the pick-me-up-no-put-me-down game. you could try getting away from the tv. if you and the girl were in another tv free room, would he join you? or would he just sit there with the ******* mind-melter. sorry- i hate the thing. took 5 years to get it out of my bedroom- its a wonder i ever got pregnant...ANYHOW... my husband did not have too much to do with the kids when they were babies. once they hit 18months- 2 years and the toys got more fun, he came around a little more. now the roles are completely reversed- kids are 7 & 9, and it's all about daddy. it's been that way since they were 4 & 6. you could trick him into playing with her- buy some toys that HE likes. y'know boy stuff.
the most important thing is to take care of yourself. don't stay inside and isolate all day. get out and around other moms. the further i go in my marriage, the more i see what men are actually for. thank god for girlfriends. don't wait too long to bring it up if you are sure it needs to be discussed. it will bubble up and fester and your tone might be all wrong when you bring it up..
good luck & take care!

Answer 5

I had this problem with my husband. [He hadn't met his son yet and things were a tad bit different but I know you probably don't care...]

I sat down with him and had a heart to heart about being a dad. I asked him why he was so tired. I asked him if there was anything we could sort through to get him more active when he got home. There were many things we figured out.

1. He started going to bed earlier so he wasn't as tired and could actually enjoy our family when he got home.

2. He started giving our son a bath. This was really great time for them to bond, have fun, and be helpful. It gave me a break.

3. I started giving him 15-20 minutes when he got home before asking him to play with the baby.

4. My son and I have always had a routine. It was very hard when he first came back [he was deployed] to incorporate him into that. He started becoming a part of the whole routine and it was great--far less stressful for us.

There are many things you guys can figure out. Just try to talk to him about it without laying too hard on guilt. It's important to understand that not only does he need to be there for your daughter but he needs to be there for you. Best of Luck!

Answer 6

Well, I was a very spoiled child in that respect (and probably others, too). My father always wanted to spend time with us.
But my mother's father was very much like your husband. He was a military man, and when he was home watching the television, he wanted complete silence.
However, maybe you should reason with your husband, and tell him that children who's parents spend time with them are less likely (when they grow up) to use drugs, engage in early sex, and generally grow up to be more balanced people (this has been proven). Tell him you know that he works very hard to make a comfortable living for your family, but that he still is a father, too. So, in effect, he has two jobs, both full-time.
Maybe you could suggest something that all of you could do as a family, like a family game night. You could just set it for one night a week to start out. Make sure to do something that the whole family will enjoy, especially your husband (your daughter will probably enjoy anything that involves spending time with her daddy). Maybe eventually he will start doing these things on his own, but until he does, just keep suggesting things until he gets the point.
Children need their daddy's to show that they care (it cannot just be implied). I'm glad to see that you are concerned about your husband's involvement with your daughter. I hope that you do get through to him, but remember, it will probably take time and effort, so don't give up.

Answer 7

Hmmm I've had the same problem with my husband. Usually I'll play up to his soft side by sitting next to him on the couch. Then when the baby come over to see him, I'll pick him up and so, "oh little man did you miss your daddy?" Then I look at my husband and say "honey look who's happy to see you! He's missed you all day." This usually works, because then he realizes how little time he gets to spend with him and maybe feels a little guilty too. Just subtly point out to him that your daughter has feelings and needs by dropping hints. If she says dada now you can tell him she was saying it at some point during the day and how cute it was. With my little one sometimes we pretend calling daddy on the phone. Then we tell daddy about it when he gets home. I think it just gets them thinking about the little one and then they can focus their attention on baby. Usually when he ignores him because of the TV it's cause he's distracted. So if the baby's the focus, then the tv's the distraction. Hope this helps, I know how sad it can be to see your child's feelings unintentionally hurt.

Answer 8

I feel for you

my ex was this way with our son but after i talked to him about it i found out he loved his baby very much but he was scared of joey

he felt that the baby (joey ) was so small and he would break him by holding him to tight or drop joey


start by telling him what a good daddy he is and all the things he does do for his family
then ask him if he could do some other things with the baby when he is home

Answer 9

Maybe you could find times when he makes her happy and comment on how much your daughter enjoys him. He might just not feel comfortable around babies and not be confident enough to know what to do. Also, on the weekends, you might plan a family outing and let him spend time around her when he's more relaxed. It sounds, too, like you need to connect with some other stay at home moms around you. You might want to look into a mom's club or start going to storytime at your local library to meet other women, who might be able to give you great advice. It's tough to be a mom without other moms to support you. Best of luck to you, and enjoy your beautiful daughter.

Answer 10

1. Probably he is afraid that you may shift all the baby care activity to him. sadly the effect is more on the baby who feels neglected and keeps crying for attention.

2. or he may be really feeling incompetent when left to care for the baby alone.---in such a case stay close and allow them to play interfering every now and then.

3 . or he wants someone else to take care of the kid with you.
sadly he never understands that the kid wants a dad and not any one else. you need to explain to him about that.

4. or maybe subconsciously he is an attention seeker and is happy to know that the child is constantly in need of him.