Does anyone have any good jokes about anything?

Question

Do you have a good joke that you think others will find funny? Well, pull up a chair and post your joke here and put up your funniest joke that you know or what you've heard from someone. Good luck and happy joking.

Answer 1

not really a joke but heres a pretty funny list:

The Top 10 Things Overheard In A Tax Preparer's
Office Prior To The Tax Filing Deadline:

1. No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes
in pennies.
2. I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made
$150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY
OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!
3. How cute... a tax form done in crayon.
4. No sir, its do your taxes every year and renew your
driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.
5. Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot,
repeat CANNOT list them as your dependants.
6. No Ms Lewinsky, your oval office "contributions" are not
the same as when you check the dollar box at the top of
your 1040 form.
7. Even if you are a hooker, the number of orgasms you've had
cannot count as a business expense.
8. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension
and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.
9. I take it that because you have decided to do origami with
your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your
taxes this year.
10. Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll
screw you later!!

Answer 2

1)
A cop was patrolling just before midnight in a well-known Lovers spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:"And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" He says : "I'm 22, sir."
The cop asks: "And her .. what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

2)
A brunette from NJ applied for a beautician post at a famous beauty parlor in NY. A blonde, from NY, applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both women had only one wrong answer. The manager went to the blonde and said, " Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the brunette the job."
The blonde asked, "Why? We both got 19 questions correct. This being a NY job, and me being from NY surely I should get the job." The Manager said, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked the blonde. Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the brunette wrote down, 'I don’t know.' "
You put down, "Neither do I."

3)
A brunette was jumping up and down by a road saying "33" repeatedly. A blonde walks by and asks her what she's doing. "Just jumping for fun" replied the brunette. The blonde must have thought it was a good idea, because she joined the blonde, saying "33, 33, 33" Just then a bus drives by and hits the blonde. She dies instantly. The brunette showed no emotion, she just smiled and started saying,"34, 34, 34"

Answer 3

these are kind of corny but . . . Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said, ''DON'T WALK.''

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “I'm sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.”
After this, the old guy started practising black magic. All the dissapeareces of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.
At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbour comes up to her and says, “Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”
The old lady camly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around.”




A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.

“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

Answer 4

Here ya go i posted this one b4 and it neva fails at a party!!!

1. A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!

2. One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch

3. A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

4. A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police

There ya go hope ya like them aye!

Answer 5

I have been saving these up

A Priest walks into a bar
A Rabbi walks into a bar
A Buddhist monk ducks and misses the bar.
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"What's the difference between a hockey goalie and my wife?"
At least the goalie changes his pads after three periods!
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Cause if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls (bagels-haha)
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"
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Yo momma old she knew the dead ocean when it was sick
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Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress; she looked like a #2 pencil.
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what starts w/ "f" and ends w/ "uck"...

FIRETRUCK
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a place where divorce comes b4 marriage ???

English dictionary.
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Question: In the basement there are 3 light switches in the off position. Each switch controls 1 of 3 light bulbs on the floor above. You may move any of the switches, but you may only go up stairs one time. How can you determine which switch controls each light?

Answer: Turn any one switch to the "on" position for 5 minutes, then turn that switch "off". Quickly turn any other switch to the "on" position and run up stairs. Feel the two lights that are "off". One of them will be "hot" because is was "on" for 5 minutes. Obviously the "hot" bulb is controlled by the first switch you turned "on". The light that is currently "on" is controlled by the switch you last turn "on". The "cold" bulb that is "off" is controlled by the only switch left. When solving problems we often need to use all our senses.
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A farmer wants to build a fence which is 100 meters long, and has poles spaced by 25 meters. How many poles does he need?
The answer is 5, but a lot of people say 4
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The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did ''they'' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Military specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's *** came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
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He who go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger.
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A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order their drinks, they watch the 6 o' clock news. On the broadcast is a man about to jump from a building. Hours pass as they find themselves sitting in the same seats at the bar watching the 10 o' clock news. The brunette says to the blonde, "I bet you $20 that the man jumps." Thinking for a moment, the blonde takes the bet. Sure enough the man jumps. As the blonde reaches into her purse to pay the bet, she says, "My God, I just saw that same man on the 6 o'clock news, I didn't think he would jump again."
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10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer


1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.


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Q: What did Shakespeare say while he was shopping for toilet paper?
A: 2-Ply or not 2-Ply? That is the question.
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A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
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What does Barbie use as a tampon?

A Tic-Tac.
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Gaye Males - Real Estate Agent
Rodger Bumpass - Voice Actor
Wan Kin Too - Former Student
DongSuk Yuk - Assistant Computer Science Professor
Yolanda Squatpump - Sound Editor
Jingli Wang - Current Student
Dick Hyman - Pianist
Randy Bumgardner - Engineer
Chew **** Fun - Associate Professor