I need suggestions on how to handle my 19 year old,please help?

Question

I have ran out of options and am at the end of my rope with my 19 year old son. He has been out of work now for three months and wont seriously try to find work. He lost his job 3 months ago, still drove after his car insurance ran out and got pulled over and lost his license until he gets his insurance back. Its a vicious cycle. He can't find work because he has no license, and he cant get his license cuz he has no job. I finally told him that if he shows me that he can be responsible I will help him pay to get his license. Well he cleaned the kitchen for me and wants to know when i am gonna follow through with my promise. I told him he needed to show me responsiblity not just clean the kitchen one time. I gave him 1 month to make an attempt and his full time job now is to find a job. He lies to me and tells me his friends already took him all day when I offer to take him. He is extremely manipulative and wont listen to any advice from anyone. He does his own thing. Please read on....

If anyone has been through this or has any advice, I would sincerely appreciate any and all good serious advise. Ive tryed getting him into counseling but he wont go any more. Please serious answers only

We got into a fight tonight and I let him push my buttons once again and gave him another ultimatum that he has 1 month to find a job and try to grt out on his own. Well he packed a bag and stormed out on foot of course and no cell phone and I have no idea where he went. I am so worried and frusterated I dont know what to do any more.

Answer 1

I'm sending a BIG ***HUG*** to you!
Motherhood is SO very hard!
I think you've got some great advice given here by these folks, and I know that YOU know what you have to do. I also know how incredibly hard this is going to be for you. 19 or not...this is your baby and tough love is not only tough on the kids! He has stormed out of your house, let him find his way, don't chase him. If you've done your job well, He'll figure it out.
Good luck to you Mom...and be sure YOU have a support system for yourself!

Answer 2

He can get a restricted license to and from work only Your son fells that you should still provide for him he's an adult now Don't let him manipulate you these kids are really good at that They play on your kindness It will come to the point where your just not going to help any more because of the lies and manipulative things that he's doing like taking you for granted You son has picked the hard road to learn from let him go and make his mistakes that's the only way he's going to learn i went through that without son i was paying the Insurance He wanted a car so i bought him one for graduation on his word that he would make the car payments he agree he met this girl and she talked him out of making the payments so i made the payments i should have sold the car but i didn't so this one particular day came after the car was paid for he called me and asked me if i would sign the car over to him so i told him I'm going to ask you 1 question and if you lie to me this will be the last thing i will ever do for you mark my words yes he lied to me and i have never done anymore I washed my hands of the hole mess there was more but you have to get you fill before you let go he's got to learn on his own TUFF LOVE

Answer 3

I apologize in advance if I overstep some sort of line with my answer.

Personally, I just recently turned 20, and I think I am a less-extreme case similar to your son. I am in college full-time and I quit the job I had because I couldn't stand it anymore. I have yet to get a new job and I hide behind my school schedule as the reason for this, when really, I know people who are taking more credit hours than I am and are working up to two jobs at once. My mother pays my car insurance for me because I have no income.

Where is his father or step father? Does he have some sort of father figure in his life and in the past have you been his disciplinarian or has the father figure? My father was always the one to dole out punishments when I was growing up, but my parents divorced when I was 11 and my father and I just kind of stopped talking about th time I hit 15 or 16... and my mother was more like a friend to me than a parent. As such, I loved her and all that, but I didn't truly respect her as a parental figure.

The only thing I can think of that might help your situation with your son is tough love. You've tried counselling and he won't go, you've tried giving him the opportunity to redeem himself and he won't do it. This kid is 19 years old, legally an adult. (Temporarily) Cut him off. Make him fend for himself, kick him out of the house (again, temporarily, I wouldn't tell someone to throw her kid out on his *** with nothing if it wasn't just to prove a point) and make him see what the real world is like. He can't go through his life living off of you. I would suggest a harsh ultimatum or a temporary cut-off.

Good luck with it.

Answer 4

teach him tough love.

Best way of this, tell him that you had enough and you cant take it anymore. Give him a small time frame of at least 2 weeks no longer than 2 months to find a job or find another place to live. In the mean time while he still lives in your home give him a chore list to do to show you that he is responsible enough to at least work towards getting the money to pay his license.

Though you got to stick to what you say, if he doesnt find a job by the deadline you give him you got to be ready to kick him out.

Otherwise since he is an adult now, talk to him like an adult.....most parents dont get this, but when your a parent you have a tendency to treat the adult like a child still....insted of yelling at the adult talk to him and explain the full situation that you are in because of his actions....do this in a mild tone do not yell or treat him like a child.

Answer 5

As the mother of 3, I understand your frustration! I'm a firm believer in "tough love", and feel that when "reason" doesn't work with them..it's time to put on the gloves. If it were my son, I would make up a contract and have a serious "Come to Jesus" meeting with him. The contract would say:
As long as you're under my roof...it's MY rules. The rules for living in this house after age 18 and out of high school are that you work full-time, pitch in around the house, have a plan for what you are going to do with your life, and take steps to fulfill that plan (ie: saving money to get out, go to college..whatever). You have 1 month to find a full time job. I will loan you the money to get your license back to make this possible. Until you find a job, you will not have time to "socialize" with your friends. When you aren't knocking on doors filling out applications, you will be at home helping me run this household as your way of contributing since you are not contributing financially. When you do find a job..we will go over your finaces and budget together, with your first obligation being to pay me back for your car. Each paycheck you will save an amount in a saving account to help you become an independant adult and move on to the next phase of your life. We will go over your goals/finances weekly to make sure you are on track. If any of the above conditions are not met, you will have two weeks to leave this house.

I know that sounds harsh, but it sure lit a fire under my oldest daughter when we were going through this. If you let them screw off with their friends, living for free...why would they want to do the right thing? You have to put your foot down, and not make it so "pleasant" to be a squatter. And..of course..you have to be willing to follow through if they don't straighten up, or you will just be bailing them out the rest of your life. They have to grow up and accept some responsibility for thier actions (or lack thereof!)

Best of luck to ya!

Answer 6

It seems to me that it's time to practice some tough love. I understand he doesn't have a car to get to work, but does he have a bike or a bus pass? Sure, it may be more difficult to get to work by bus or bike, but he's the one who lost his license ... not you. I sure wouldn't help him get it back. Like you said, being responsible is not the same as completing a chore ONLY when someone asked you to do it. It's being honest and taking responsibility for your own mess and working to earn back the trust of those around you. Give him a deadline to find a job or a new living arrangement and then stick to your guns.

Answer 7

well telll him the truth straight forward...his problem and how he's gonna solve it also that wat ever day u pik u both will go out job hunting and if he refuses tell him as long as hes under ur roof he'll live by ur rules...if he thinks well i leavin were is he gonna go his friends will only deal wot him 4 so long and he aint got a job or money for his own place...and if all fails dont candy caot stuff with him tell him to go 2 a JC, join the miltary or get a job and that he has say a month 2 do it in
2 find jobs make him get on monster google jobs & cali jobs

Answer 8

He needs to be thown out. Nothing is going to change his behavior. Sorry, I've been there. My son is now 22, works, lives on his own and has only borrowed money from me once. We now have a very good relationship. It is very very hard as a mom and I feel for you but at 19, he's a man and needs to live in the real world.

Answer 9

You have my sympathy. I think you need to go the tough love way.there are articles and books on this subject. He is an adult now and not your responsibility any longer. Yes you will always love him. but being an adult you cannot run his life if he won't let you. So my best advice (hard as it may be)is to kick him out of the house. Hopefully when he is hit by the hard reality of making a life for himself it will make a man of him.

Answer 10

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