PLEASE HELP! Want to help a friend with bipolar - should I move in with her?

Question

My best friend, N, has bipolar disorder & recently checked herself into hospital bc she was suicidal. Unfortunately, she checked herself out after a week. Her behaviour & moods are very erratic right now & we are all concerned about suicide and self harm. She has NO routine (even in taking her medication) and she's not caring for herself in terms of food, cleanliness, keeping appointments or socialising. She's quite unwell.
Her parents cannot provide much support besides financial. She has just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years & he is also very concerned about her state.

We were thinking that perhaps I could move in with her to try to get her into a routine & improve self-care. We also want to work on accountability & responsibility.

Do you think that me living with her could be a good and positive action or do you think there are too many negatives? Will she become too dependent on me?

She is taking her medication, but not at the same times every day.
She is also seeing her psychiatrist once per week.
My concern is about the fact that she is receiving help with medication and psych help but still hasn't progressed much and has NO routine at all.
I have no concerns or issues of my own and think I am emotionally strong enough to care for her for a few months.

Answer 1

I don't know what I think about moving in with her-she could be verbally abusive or even throw things at you. Are you ready for that kind of emotional pain? You maybe know if you are that tough. Be ready with an exit strategy if it proves too much for you.

She is probably eligible for social services if you can get her to sign up. You call up the county social services and ask for the mental health folks (maybe not all states have that). Check out the consumer movement too, google "your state, consumer, mental" and that should give you some consumer/survivor groups, which are peer support centers (run by the mentally ill for the mentally ill). There are drop in centers in some places too, where she can go socialize with other folks with mental illness. I help run one of those, and it's quite helpful for those who go (social support is really important in mental health, and the first thing to go when you get sick).

When I was at my worst, I would have appreciated the help, big time. I might have been verbally abusive at the time, tho, and I was always pretty good about taking my meds, they just didn't work for me (made things worse-I seem to have some weird problems with meds, a bit unusual). I ended up losing my best friend over the deal, and she didn't even live with me or help me. She just couldn't handle the constant stress of wondering whether I would suicide or not. I don't blame her, but I wish she had stuck with me, because now I'm a lot better.

So I guess I would say, if I were her, I would want the help even if I didn't know it at the time, but you could lose your friendship or your own mental health, and you have to have a place to move quick if it doesn't work out. I don't think she will be too dependent on you once she gets the meds right and especially if you can get her signed up for social services and some counseling (once she's stable enuf to show up). There are programmable pill boxes that beep when it's time to take pills, and some social workers will even call up a client to remind them. She will probably want her boyfriend back eventually too, I'm sure it was a spur of the moment thing she did, breaking up, due to her incredible emotional pain. When you feel like that, irrational behavior seems to make sense at the time. When I kept breaking up with my boyfriend (I'd throw him out of the house) I thought I was doing him a favor because I was such an awful person and didn't deserve him. Or I thought he was using me. (oh no, there are some more things you might get accused of, you have to learn not to take it personally as best you can) Now we're married and have a good marriage, even though occasionally there are bad times.

Hope that information helped. Good luck!! If your friend has insight into her illness and is a fairly bright cookie, you may make a real difference here (but don't beat yourself up if you fail).

Answer 2

I think that knowing that she has a close friend who really cares about her would improve her condition. You probably don't have to go so far as to moving in with her but just stop by once a day. Maybe you could just go by her house to chat and also make sure she takes her medication while you are there. Help her clean her house or do some of her chores with her. Have her go grocery shopping with you so that you know she has nutritious things to eat and also to get her out of the house. Those with bipolar disorder can start to feel very isolated and lonely because they know they are different than other people. With the right medication treatment, psychiatric help, and support from family and friends- those with bipolar disorder can actually lead very normal lives. Let her know you care about her and help her get her life in order. Once she starts to feel better, she'll probably be more motivated to take care of her own health. You are probably right though about her becoming dependent on you if you move in.

Answer 3

It sounds like you could be a very positive influence on your friend and help her to work out some of her problems... but it is a big comittment for you both... I am married to a good man who is very bi-polar...we have only been together for about 8 years now! It has been very wearing on me and I have had to learn how to ride the "emotional rollercoaster" he is on! I have to know when and what to do each day! There is no warning when his moods change! If you are capable or trained for this... then it will be good for her to have your help! You are an angel for caring so much! Good luck to you both!

Answer 4

I think that you are a darling, sweet friend. She's so fortunate to have you in her life, and I hope she knows that.

That being said, you need professional advice. Perhaps you could call a suicide hotline. They are mental health professionals who would be better qualified to advise you than most of the people answering here, and they could ask valuable follow-up questions that are simply impossible through this forum.

Answer 5

Visit daily, but I wouldn't move in. Type up a daily or weekly schedule of necessary things to do, and put one copy on the refrigerator, and one in her bedroom, so she can't miss being reminded. Also on the list (keep a copy at home) should be some of the following: Your phone no. & email address. Suicide hotlines. Phone 1800 LIFENET, or 18007842433, or 18002738255, Suicide internet hotline. http://suicidehotlines.com/ and http://www.metanoia.org/ (check all these out to make sure they are functional). I'd learn the meditation technique in http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/ and try to get her to join you in practicing it on a daily basis. She should consider changing her medication, to try to find something that works better; her counsellor should be informed about her various problems, as she probably hasn't provided that information, and some suitable suggestions may be forthcoming, so find out who she is seeing, and tell them, requesting that those questions be put in the form of general enquiries, so as not to identify you as the informant.

Answer 6

I would love to have a friend like you. She really needs inpatient care and people who are professionals instead of a friend. But, since she left that environment living with her might be a good idea for a short time. I stayed with my daughter for 10 days while her meds kicked it, it worked out fine.

Answer 7

Everyone should have a friend like you, but I would recommend that you not move in with her. She needs professional help. She needs to be on medication. Be her friend and recommend that she get professional help. Plan to frequent visits with her and help her make a plan. But don't move in - you're putting your own life and well-being at risk. I'm sorry for your friend... she's lucky to know someone like you though.

Answer 8

I think that if you are sure you can handle it, it would be a terrific thing to do for your friend. It sounds like she could really benefit from having someone to take care of her and help her take care of herself. My one caution is that you need to make sure you take care of yourself, too. This would be a big commitment of time and energy. Develop your own support system if you decide to take on this challenge, including seeking advice from mental health professionals. Best wishes.

Answer 9

No, especially if you have any problems of your own. She would bring you down to her level in no time. Two halves don't make a whole in a situation like this, they make about an eighth.

Answer 10

I think would be a very good idea, you are a good friend to realize your friend could be in danger.