Plenty-A-Jokes!?

Question

Anybody got a really funny joke? If you do post it here. I will choose the best one!! I have a good one.

An old man was sitting on a bench and crying. A young man comes to him and says, "Why are you crying?" He replies, "I am so sad!" The young man asks him, "Did your wife kick you out?" He answers, "No, my wife loves me, she's really pretty too." The young man confused asks again, "Did you lose your money?" "No, I have plenty of that." The young man asks again, "Did you lose your house?" "No, I have a really big mansion." The young man beginning to get frustrated says this, "If you have a wonderful wife, plenty of money, and a really big house...why are you crying?" The old man replies, "Because I forgot where I live!!"

Teehee! ☺

Answer 1

A Child's' Prayer
One day, a father hears his son praying. He says, " Thank god for mommy, daddy, grandpa, wheesnah, and grandma." The next morning, they found the grandma dead. The next night, he hears him again, "Thank god for mommy, daddy, wheesnah, and grandpa." The next morning at breakfast, the grandpa dies of a stroke. Then, he hears him say, "Thank god for mommy, wheesnah, and daddy." Creeped out, the dad goes to the doctor. The doctor says that he is okay. When he returns home, he finds his wife on the porch, she screams, "Quick Honey, help! The mailmans dead."

Redneck Genius
One day, 2 rednecks went to the store and bought a puzzle. The finished it after 3 weeks. They said, " we are so smart, we finished in time." "Yeah, the box says 3-5 years."

Answer 2

lol, i would be sad too!
ok here is a joke

Eve's side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I
have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having just two
breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the

Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight. "You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

and another

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-

shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

and one more

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said
that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one
wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

Answer 3

kinda old but w/e.....


so two blondes walk into a bar, and the bartenders offers them 2 beers on the house. The first blonde says "what the heck....TO 17 DAYS!!!" confused, the bartenders asks what the 17 days meant. The blonde replies with, "well, my friend and i just finished a puzzle that the box said 3-5 years, but it only took us 17 days!!!"


next...


so....a longhorn walks into a bar.... shortly after a sooner wlks into the exact same bar.....finally an aggies comes by but ducks and misses the bar.....HAHAHA sorry im sorta an aggie

Answer 4

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH good one PATRICIA!!!!LMAO i won't forget that one..well here are mine:

#1

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal that read, “Rich widow looking for man to share life and fortune with the following qualifications: 1. Won’t beat me up, 2. Won’t run away, and 3. Has to be great in bed.” For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell rang constantly, and she received tons of mail but none of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang and she opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?” “Hi,” said the man. “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.” The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?" To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I!

#2

On the first day of school, there was a classroom full of girls and no boys. Then a boy came in and the teacher asked why he was late and he answered by saying he was on Blueberry Hill. Two other boys came in and the teacher asked them the same question, and they answered the same as the first boy. Then a minute later a girl came in and the teacher asked if she was also on Blueberry hill,she said "No" my name is "Blueberry Hill".

Answer 5

OK so there was three men a brunette, Blondie, and red hairs
they were all from different countries. when they were in an airplane, the brunette threw out a rock and said, "this is for my country"
the red head threw out a stick and said the same.
the Blondie haired threw out a bomb and said, "this is for my country!"

when the trio got out of the airplane, the brunette found a boy and asked "little boy little boy, why are you crying?"
"because a rock hit my dog!" he said
the red head found a boy crying "little boy why are you crying?"
because a stick hit my cat!
the Blondie found a boy laughing
little boy little boy why are you laughing?


because when i farted my house blew up!

Answer 6

That's not very funny heres a funny one:
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines
-- one line for the men that dominated their women
on earth, and the other line for the men who were
dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women
to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone,
and there are two lines.The line for the men who were
dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in
the line of men who dominated their
women there was only one man.

God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed
of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you
were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only
one of my sons who stood up and made me proud.

Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage
to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied,
"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Answer 7

Ok here's one:
Three racehorses are in their pens taking about how many races they've won.
The first horse says, "I've won 50 out of 100 races"
The second horse says, "I've won 75 out of 100 races"
Finally, the third horse says, "Well fella's I've won 99 out of 100 races"
A grey hound walks in and says, "Excuse me fella's I overheard your conversation and I just wanted to say I've won 100 out of 100 races"
One of the horses says to the other two, "Hey look at that a talking dog!"

Answer 8

ok so this duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Hey, got any gwapes?" and the bartender says "No, I don't got any grapes." So the duck comes back the next day and says :Hey, got any gwapes?" and the bartender says "No, I don't got any grapes."... so this goes on for a while and each day the bartender gets more and more agitated until one day the duck walks into the bar and asks "Hey, got any gwapes?" and the bartender says "NO, and if you come in here again i'm gonna nail your feet to the floor." so the duck comes back the next day and asks "Hey, got any nails" the bartender says "no...." and the duck says "Got any gwapes?

Answer 9

ok this is a Dumb Blonde Joke(no offense)

This white blonde lady is speeding on the street when she gets pulled over.

The police(which is also a blonde) says" hi can i see your license and registration please"

The Lady: "well i have my registration but what does my license look like?"

Police: "its a small square card that shows your dob and other information"

The lady pulls out her social security card and the officer denies it and then she pulls out a mirror.

Lady: "hi is this it"

Police looks at it for a minute.

Lady: "so am i ok officer?"

Police: "yea you can go i just didnt know you were an officer!"

Answer 10

ok so 1 smart guy and 1 stupid guy were at a museum. there were three statues. the smart guy said that one of them must be pointing at something the other one is asking something and the third statue is depressed. the stupid guy said no u have it all wrong ones saying u farted the others saying who farted and the last guy says i farted.