PARENTS: the MORE you crack down the MORE they rebel?

Question

is it true that the harder you crack down on your kids, the more they rebel?

For example: Im 14 and have tried numerous times to negotiate with my parents to let me date.... they havent budged on the issue even though I have tried to compramise.... so lately i find myself rebeling and doing things with guys... i think this is a result of them trying to keep me locked in a cage? (not literally of course)

what do you think?

I'd also like to add that Ive been able to hang out with guys for about two years already, and my parents trust me with them on my own.... ive gone to amusement parks, parties, house parties, random hangouts ect.... it has never been an issue so why is it now?
ive proven my maturity time and time again

^ most of the above activites werent supervised

Answer 1

Yes, children now- a days do not thrive well in more controlling enviorments. If parents are overly strict and dont alloow any leeway- then their kids are bound to rebel. But, in your parents defense, having there 14 year old girl express interest in breaking out into the dating world is a scary thought! THere are so many things out there like stds, rape, teenage preganancy, online preditors, gangs, etc. You ARE only 14. I m sure your parents have seen the movie, "Fifteen and Pregnant". Im a parent too and we are constantly worried about our children. Sit down with them formally and discuss the issues. Ask them what is bothering them the most and....compromise. Id you REALLY want to date, im sure you will be willing to agree to call every hour to check in when you are on your date

Answer 2

Part of the problem is the generational gap in social norms that occurs. As society's change, most parents can avoid the influences that come about by limiting the amount of exposure their child receives.

The parents are also more resistant to societal changes because their fundamental development (ideas, thoughts, attitudes) are strongly formented, while for a child, they are less solid, and thus more easily 'persuaded'. Its why children adapt to computers more easily than parents.

The same goes with rules of social contacts. The more 'old fashioned' the parents were raised, the more likely they will believe that, because they were raised old-fashioned and 'survived' to raise kids of their own, why change?

Also, parents might have different ideas of what it means to 'date' someone. Dating can mean different things to different people, even people of the same age bracket, and a child's sexuality (of which dating is very much part of the vicinity, at least in the parent's mind) is one of the most difficult areas that a parent navigates, especially for girls.

Here's another problem: the parents think you are too young (immature) to date, so they refuse. You, however, go against their rules and 'do things with guys' which, if your parents found out, would only confirm their suspicions, making them even more convinced that you shouldn't be dating, and would probably hold off permission until even later.

You can't convince someone of your side of the arguement if you end up doing things that only convince them of their side. I hate to say it, but the first thing you need to do is let your parents know what you have done. That way, your honesty should (big emphasis on should) help them to see that you are trying to understand find some way of working through this difficulty.

I only give this advice because I don't know the situation with you and your parents at all. In general, its better for a child to keep their parents informed of what they are doing, but there are many situations where it might be perfectly 'acceptable' for a child not to tell their parents of their activities, especially if there is dysfunction within the family system that would only explode the situation.

I'm going to roll the dice and say that most parents, however foolish, are not dysfunctional. Teenage (and parent) irrationality is part and parcel of parent/child relationships. Most of the time, it seems worse than it is (a bark that's worse than its bite). And there will be plenty plenty plenty of time to date. Boys won't disappear when you turn 15 or 16 or 17 etc etc.

So don't sabotage your chances by assuming the worse (although it may seem like waiting is 'forever'). Even dumb parents can do smart things, too.

Answer 3

Sometimes you just can't tell. Kids are different and different techniques work for different kids. I believe in tough love and my kid doesn't rebel but it doesn't mean he won't. It sounds like you've tried to express your feeling and communicate with them, that is responsible and respectful. I think you just have to think about the situation from your parents side. They just want the best for you. 14 may be too young for some parents. I think 16 is a good time since they start driving at that age. My parents never let me date until I was 18, I totally rebelled but now I realize they knew best and just want the best for me. I wish I would have listened better but I didn't turn out too bad. You're only 14, you have lots of time to do all the dating when you're older. Enjoy your youth!!

Answer 4

That sounds more like your personality. I wouldn't want my daughter to date at 14 years old, I wasn't allowed to date till I was 16 and even then my parents were iffy about it. I understood where they were coming from, and any boy/girl activities were supervised by an adult. Teenagers have a tendency to rebel, but some areas are not areas to be negotiated. Your parents are worried about you and worried about the kind of decisions you might make. I know it's hard to hear, but at 14 you can't always make the best choices when pressured and your parents just want to protect you.

Answer 5

I would have to say that most of the time it's just how a person is and their personality.
They say this about parent kids relationships all the time but I say there has to be a medium. And if the kids have a strong relationship with parents then the communication will be good and the kids will respect what their parents lay down as rules.

Answer 6

So what you have done is confirmed exactly what your parents suspected would happen and why you are not permitted to date.

You lied. By sneaking around you are lying to your parents.

Maybe if you had started by doing things in groups...bowling, swimming, amusement parks...and not given your parents reason to doubt you...by being on time, where you are supposed to be etc. you would have earned their respect and trust. You are not rebelling....you are merely setting yourself up to get into a situation that you are NOT ready for.

Try talking to your parents individuallly or even grandparents or any adult you respect their opinion and I am sure you will find an answer.

Only when you become a parent yourself do you understand your parents.

Answer 7

My parents decided to let me date at a young age (12) , so I would feel open to telling them stuff. If you are doing things without telling them, it's because you feel you have to hide your behavior...

Maybe having a talk about feeling you have to hide your choices from them will open their eyes. Your parents love you and are scared for you. Telling them you need their guidance not their fear, will be a start.

You will date, it's a simple fact of life. Try to show your parent's you are trustworthy by starting with open talks about what they think, and about what you need. Really push the guidance... you'll need advice from time to time... Parents like to hear that.

Wishing you luck. Make good choices.

P.S.
Hangin out with guys is of course different than dating one specific guy. Your parents are giving you trust there. Trust is hard to build, but easy to break...

Answer 8

Well, the obvious reason that your parents are cracking down on you is because you are too young to date. I'm sorry, but at 14, it is hard to make well informed decisions about your sex life. Your parents are just trying to make you sure you don't contract some disease or find yourself dating a guy who will take advantage of you. I know it's hard to believe right now, but your parents are only doing what they believe is best for you because they care very deeply for you. Just be careful with what and whom you do these things with, ok?

Answer 9

I am a parent of six year old. And, I will say a few things.

As a general rule, all people rebel. You are right. 50 year old employees rebel. Parents need to use reason. Explain things to kids. It works better.

Answer 10

not necessarily true. if parents explain themselves to kids especially ones old enough to understand, like teens, they aren't as likely to rebel. even if they don't agree, they will realize that their parents are only worried about them. whereas being forceful or not placing restrictions at all can make someone go wild