It is quite strange:I treat nicely my boyfriend's kids (2-9yo), I play, I laugh, I talk but once in a while they really get on my nerves even doing nothing. I can get really sensitive that they would not say "hi" or "Bye",help me aournd the house.Or I start feeling overwhelmed with them and if they start to act up,I turn very negative negative and do not wanna be around at all. And to be honest, I like them but I do not love as if they would be my own kids.I feel they are not!Is it normal?Is there something i can do about it?
I think that my b/f expects unconditional love for them and cannot believe that this is how i am feeling.
BTW, I am 25 and have no my own kids.And we live together for 1.5yr
2007-03-05 07:35:03 · 14 answers · asked by Bonanza 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
sweetie truth of the matter is not trying to be mean here,so please don't think so but you more than likely don't know or have a mother's love yet.Seeing how that you have no kids of your own.But i can honestly tell you that all kids get on your nerves at some point whether they are your own or not,that doesn't matter.You could just be having a bum day and a child walk in and do or say the wrong thing then boom,you are off and running that even comes with natural parents trust me.I have 2 step kids and they are full grown and we started off as friends first,I have been with their dad over 7 years now and i have come to love them as my own,but trust me we still clash and they still get on my nerves just as my own does.So if i were you i would be their friend first and let the love come naturally,in time it will.Hope this helps and best wishes
2007-03-05 07:45:43 · answer #1 · answered by Sunshine 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont think it is possible to love your step children the same way you would love your own. That doesn't mean that you do not love them or even as much but just not the same way.
I have kids of my own and stepchildren. And my stepdaughter I have raised since she was 5 years old. I love you very dearly but it is not the same as my own kids. It's not something you can help and I dont think it should be expected from anyone.
Anyone that have stepchildren should know and should agree that it's just 'different'. Not to say it's more or less just different and that should be okay.
it is very hard to be a stepparent too and feeling sensitive about things is normal because its always in the back of your head that the child is that way because you are not their real parent. And it's probably a little bit true since it goes the same way the love they have for you is just different.
All of it is normal. Just try to have a close relationship with your stepchildren and don't try too hard to create soemthing...it will just come and it will be hard and different but that's okay.
2007-03-05 08:40:15 · answer #2 · answered by love777 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't feel guilty. You have to know people for a while before you can love them. Kids are very frustrating and can take quite a bit of patients. It is hard to comprehend the love that you have for your own children. I cannot explain it to you because you have to live it. I would find it hard to have that love for another child right away. You can't hurry yourself into loving his children, if you ever do. I am sure you care about them but I think you are perfectly normal in your feelings. I have a baby and I get overwhelmed with her every now and then.
2007-03-05 07:41:53 · answer #3 · answered by Janielle M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, stop beating yourself up. The issue is not how you "feel"about stepkids, it's how you treat them. The fact is, some people never love their stepkids, some people do. It has a lot to do with personality types, the situation, the amount of contact, etc. What is important is that you treat them the way you would want to be treated by a stepparent. Be nice, learn to be patient, and hang in there, all children grow up. Try not to be the only adult around them for extended periods of time. Their father is their parent, you can just be their buddy. But you need to be honest with you bf, that you will have to learn to love them. And who knows, someday you might.
2007-03-05 08:08:05 · answer #4 · answered by Sharon M 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it is a hard thing to accept someone elses children as your own. You did not give birth to them and do not have the instant bond. Also it can be hard when you come into the picture when they are older. One thing that may be hard is the fact that you are the "step parent" and don't always get the same respect as the "true parents". I think all you can do is give it time. I also think that your boyfriend needs to understand how you feel. My sis is going thru this same thing and all you can do is try to just accept them. Maybe in the future if you decide to get married, you can look into counceling as a family to help all of you adjust. I wish you the best with this process and GOOD LUCK.
2007-03-05 07:47:22 · answer #5 · answered by ♥ Nikkee D ♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well honey the reason you feel like they aren't your kids...is because they aren't. Not biologically and not legally.
It's normal to feel overwhelmed by children...ESPECIALLY when they're aren't yours...
Parenthood absolutely blinds people...we haven't tested him yet...but we're pretty sure my son walks on water...lol
You can only give what you have...and if you dont feel it you don't feel it...and that's ok.
The only thing I can suggest to you is first...put your insecurities aside...they don't say hi and bye sometimes because they are kids and good manners may not be well sunk in yet...they aren't doing it to be malicious. And second don't worry so much about it...it's ok to have a good time with them and it's ok to get sick of them...there's nothing wrong with that.
AND just because you don't want to be around them doesn't mean that you don't care for them it just may mean that they are hard to take...lol...it happens...lord knows with my own son...sometimes...I could definately use some time alone.
Don't worry about it...what you're feeling is normal and it's alright..Just remember that you are the adult in the relationship with those kids and it's up to you to set the tone. Try to stay positive and try to have a good time...if you start getting overwhelmed...instead of letting it get so bad that you get negative and want to run...hand them off to their daddy and step away until you cool off...that's allowed...that's normal.
Take care and good luck!
2007-03-05 08:11:15 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it would be unrealistic to expect to feel "unconditional love" for someone else's children until you have time to form a loving bond with them. You will likely develop a very close relationship with them over time and may even eventually love them unconditionally, but it won't be overnight. Try to be patient and remember that they are just children.
2007-03-05 07:46:54 · answer #7 · answered by Tallulah 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
#1 you're not married and therefore are putting to much pressure on yourself to treat them as your own children. (personal opinion only). from personal experience, since you're not married the kids don't have any commitment to you or from you as well.
#2 you can only love them as much as you love them. i would suggest that you have as much fun with them as you possibly can. they are after all, kids. don't expect to much and you'll probably get more.
#3 you just have to decide what you want from life, but 25 is awfully young to be deciding whether or not you want a family. finish school and have fun with your friends or make the choice to be tied down to a larger family than just the newlywed couple, if that's even on the horizon.
2007-03-05 07:41:49 · answer #8 · answered by Calli G 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You picked this man knowing he had children. His kids will always come first so you need to learn to tolerate them and treat them with kindness. No one says you have to like them like your own, but at least try to love them as your step-children. The kids and the boyfriend are a package deal, if you can't accept the children and learn to love them then you need to move on.
2007-03-05 07:40:47 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Ok, you're not married to the man. So I would start out with just trying to get to know the kids. Spend some time with them. Don't look at them as your bf's kids, look at them as who they are, individuals for you to get to know. Try to develop a "friendship" feeling toward them.
My dad is not my biological dad. I was only 1 1/2 when he and my mom started dating. What he did was take me out with him and his friends, took me to his baseball games, and offered to babysit me when my mom was working and he had the day off. This one on one time really helped me to love him, and vice versa. I grew up being quite the daddy's girl, and to this day my dad is one of my best friends.
So you see it just starts out with trying to learn who the kids are, what they like, and just spending time with them. Don't feel as though you HAVE to love them, try WANTING to love them for who they are, not because they're your bf's kids..
2007-03-05 07:50:28 · answer #10 · answered by britt g 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋