Can I avoid my in-laws on major holidays-and most of the time for that matter?

Question

I have a son from a previous marriage and my husband (Bob) is one of 2 children (he is adopted). My in-laws have never really considered my son as a grandchild and a nephew even though my son considers my husband his Dad, and we have been married for 6 years now. Bob feels obligated to them for raising him and he does love them, but I can’t stand how they treat us both. We went on a family vacation once and they treated me like a slave. Needless to say, we are never going on vacation with them again. They have never acknowledged my son’s birthday, and even left him out of the family photo board at my father-in-law’s birthday celebration. The brother has twins now and they had many pictures on that board. They do not treat their children equally and my husband always gets the short end of the stick. My blood just boils every time I have to see them and really don’t even want to see them over Christmas. What would you do?

Answer 1

yep, know how this goes... we do get a photo dragged out and placed in a higly visible area when we visit, though...
anyway, add to the list gifts given only to the one granddaughter and not the grandsons... and when they come over they never want to hear how or what our son is doing (they see him once or twice a year) but will go on and on for HOURS about what the other two are doing... sigh. (even though we alreay know everything because we keep in touch with them, lol!)
You have two paths you can take...withdraw, or become subtly aggressive as I like to call it..
For example: I simply gave them a framed photo of our son as "they did not seem to have one" for Xmas the next year.
Have the balls to add your own photos to the board with a loud, "I see you didn't have any spare photos of us.. good thing I brought some. They should be more embarassed than you all!
... and for god's sake, have your hubby stand up for himself! He needs to speak up and say something to them! We eventually had to do that.. it ended with, "if you can't treat him as if he exists, then when you all wonder why when he is 12 and has no interest in any relationship with you all, just remember, you reaped what you have sown. You all are missing out on a terrific kid and I am sorry for you all". Also let them know that you all will have to limit your time with them because their behavior is hurtful and you have to protect your son from that sort of behavior. If they deny it or get defensive, simply show them, give them specific examples. The photo board should say it all!
... and just to be fair, sometimes people are unaware of what they are doing, believe it or not!
Also, be sure to let your child know that it is not his fault and that he is wonderful and the problem is with them. Good luck, I really, really feel for you and can't wait to see how other people answer!

Answer 2

You need to set boundaries. When it comes to certain holidays, tell them when you are available to visit and for how long, or that you have other plans (either as a family (just the 3 of you) or with your family and won't be able to visit. If you really set time limits (We'll be there by 1:00 but have an obligation and have to leave by 4:00) you will have a light at the end of the tunnel.

If it is truly that painful for you I would suggest that you and your husband speak directly to his parents about the situation with your son and how it makes you both feel. It is possible they don't actually realize they are doing these things and may be willing to change. If not it is always better to know up front the status quo and that way you can all deal on a level playing field. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

Wow, this could almost be me. My husband was adopted my his dad (his mom is his birth mother), and that side has never treated him the same as his sisters (they share the same mother, but dad is their biological father). One sis has two girls who have had the world showered upon them. Our two kids can't even get a birthday card. His family didn't even acknowledge the birth of our son! I got over the Christmas thing by informing the family that I wanted my kids to wake up in their own home on Christmas and to have our own family traditions. If they wanted to come up for the holidays they would be welcome, but that's never going to happen, and if they come into my home and treat my children badly I can tell them to leave.

I have often wondered if the family knows how being treated like this makes my husband feel. If your husband feels the same way you do, he should tell them, as hard as that may be for him to do. For example: My wife and I feel very hurt by the way our family is treated by you. You are causing our son great pain by treating him differently than your other grandchildren. He may not be my blood, but I love him like he was, and you should too. If that is too much for you to do, then I'm sorry, but we will not be coming here anymore. Good luck.

Answer 4

If your husbands use to the abuse and not being treated as well as the other kids good for him hes learn to except their treatment. Problem here is do you want your son to learn how to except their abuse like his dad did? Just because he feels obligated to them doesnt mean your son should be subjected to their abuse. Tell the husband your son has feelings and these people arent going to hurt them by not including him. Tell him your not their daughter and your son isnt their grandson and either of you will be visiting them on holidays. If this upsets your husband you might want to ask yourself if your husband views your child as his, most fathers wouldnt want their kids ( or wife) treated like this. Im sure you or your son will be missed doing these holidays Id spent my holidays with people that loved us instead. Also for the people telling you to make excuses thats just wrong why lie? If your asked why your not coming and only if your asked Id tell them exactly why you dont feel welcome and your childs feelings have been hurt and your not going to let them treat your child and you this way anymore. I wouldnt lie and say were going out of town youve got 50 years of marriage ahead of you thats a lot of lies to make up every year.

Answer 5

Is it possible that you are not hiding your contempt for them, and they see it? Maybe if you began trying to make an extra effort, for your husband and your children. They must feel the tension long before they get to in-law's house, from you. You can smooth things over, and maybe enjoy the family holidays, instead of going and leaving there miserable. Put some love in your heart. I think it is you that is stopping people from warming up to you. Give it a chance, for the sake of your husband and family. It doesn't have to be that way you no....

Answer 6

Make plans ahead of time. Then let the In-Laws know about them (I would really put a show on! Be excited about the plans and go on and on and on) before they even think about inviting you.

Whenever you speak to them ALWAYS refer to your son as "THEIR GRANDSON".

Make sure your son always give them gifts especially if he's young and they are handmade cards and gifts!

Plan his Birthday party and personally invite the In-Laws while asking them to bring "something" (a bag of chips or something) so they are obligated to show up. If you have to, embarrass them in front of relatives by asking them where's their present?

Don't go quietly into the night! Fight for what you know is right!

Besides deep down inside, you know if they really got to know your son, they would love him, right? So, give them the chance! Make them babysit!

Answer 7

Make plans out of town during the holidays. Or have your husband stick up for his new family. Have him tell them how you are feeling. And how they make your kids feel. If they dont listen stop talking to them.

Answer 8

I understand how you feel for you and your son. Your husband needs to stand up for your family. Let him be the spokesperson for you and your son. I would avoid them if they do not change their attitude toward me.

Answer 9

seems to me they need a big lesson in manners.That has to come from your husband.They obviously do not accept this marrriage.So if your husband accepts this child as his son then so should they.You do not say if your son has the same surname as your husband,perhaps that is something to consider.If he visits them on his own then they have got their own way

Answer 10

i think of whether or no longer it replaced into impolite could count on the present recipient's experience of real & incorrect. in many situations, i does no longer think of it replaced into impolite, yet i could in my view sense uncomfortable leaving a modern interior the door understanding the recipient replaced into there. i could hassle that she could anticipate that i did no longer choose to talk to her, which won't be the case (i must be in a super hurry and easily have time to drop it off and no time for a verbal substitute, yet choose to get the present to her with the help of a definite time). She could have left the present rather of giving it to you in my view as a results of fact she replaced into in a hurry and in simple terms did no longer have time to talk, or as a results of fact she did no longer choose to harass you as a results of intense-threat being pregnant. or perhaps you're real and it replaced right into a much less harmless reason.