All the moms out there - what do you think?I am a working mom, and was recently asked this question by a SAHM.

Question

I am a working mom and all of my friends are SAHMs. Every time that I get together with them, I feel totally inferior and jelous. Recently, one of them asked me the question "Why did you have kids? For you to raise them or to have someone else do it for you?" This totally hurt my feelings because I don't choose to work - I have to to be able to pay our bills (which are only house, 1 car and utilities - no xtras). I don't think that they realize that when I get up at 4 a.m. to go to work, drive for an hour to get there, work for 10 hours at a stressful job that I HATE, come home, rush to get things done around the house, get 20 minutes a day to spend with my daughter and then collapse in bed at 11:00 p.m. only to get up 4 hours later (baby wakes up at night so that takes away from sleep) that I too am exauhsted, probably moreso than they are, and that I feel guilty enough about not being able to be home with my daughter without them constantly reminding me about it. What do u think

Answer 1

Honey, I was on both sides of the fence and here's what I think. As a SAHM, I enjoyed having the time with my children, how leisurely my day was, and how I managed to keep everything under control without so much stress. Now that my final baby has entered kindergarten, I went back to work and I can tell you that working mothers put in ten times the effort that SAHM's do. We don't take anything for granted and we cherish every minute we have with our children. On top of that, we are juggling a work load and a home load. We put the reasoning behind the saying that "mom's don't get sick days".

I understand your guilt, but honey, if this is something you NEED to do, then you have to do it. However, something tells me that you'd rather not be doing this. With that being the case, I have a suggestion. My husband and I have five children....I stayed home until the youngest entered kindergarten. Because he did not make enough to support our family, I took a part time bartending job in the evenings on the weekends to make ends meet. I cut coupons, babysat other people's children and did what I had to do to make sure that I was there for my children. It doesn't work for everyone, but to me, it sounds as you would rather stay home and be with your baby, than you would be out working with the rest of us. Consider your options. Weigh child care costs against the cost of you working, think of where else you could bring in income. In this day and age, many people freelance their services. Some of us have talents or gifts....and you'd be surprised at what people are willing to pay for in this day and age.

Answer 2

I think it is sad that your friends make you feel guilty. we all do the best we can for our children and I read once that staying home isn't always the best thing There are mom's that stay home and sit their children in front of a TV all day what good is that doing them? You need to be present in a child's life not just home.
I was a working Mom with my first and thanks to Mary Kay I am home now after having my second I quit my full time job I felt over worked and under appreciate. I like Mary Kay because it is about teaching skin care and providing a personalized service not just selling make-up. I have a great support group and lots of new friends for me and my girls.
Have you ever considered any type of direct sales I say that because I never did it took me awhile to decide to give it a try and I'm sure glad I did. there are lots of different companies out there just get all the facts first.
Good Luck

Answer 3

I am a SAHM of two preschool aged boys. This is partly because we believe it's the best thing for our family at this time, and partly because my paycheck wouldn't cover the daycare needed so that I could be working. :)

That said, I think that you need to find new friends. Not dump the ones you have (if they are true friends), but find women who have the same life style- working at a job and being a mom and/or wife.They will be able to relate to the issues that you face better than someone who is SAHM.

Also, don't forget that no one can MAKE you feel inferior or ashamed- you're feeling guilty about not being around all the time for your daughter is the problem. You should not feel guilty about working. If you have no choice, what the heck are you supposed to do? You obviously love your child immensely, or you wouldn't be so concerned with how much time you get to spend with her. You work so hard because you love her and it's your job to take care of her needs- shelter, food, clothing.

You might want to take a look at how you could increase the amount of time you get with her. Maybe moving closer to work to decrease drive times. Possibly find a job that requires less hours, or perhaps allows you to work from home (depending on what line you're in).

If non of that is possible, make the very most of what time you do have. Try to have a time that she can count on every day. Spend your time together focusing only on her. Play, laugh, read to her, cuddle. As she gets older, make sure she knows that you cherish the time you two spend, and that you work to make sure she is taken care of. Don't complain about work all the time in front of her, maybe making her feel like a burden because you're doing for her.

Don't forget to make sure that you take care of yourself, too. You have more to give when you are being filled up. Try to take time every so often to go do something just for you that helps you de-stress. :)

No mom, SAH or professional, is perfect. Children just need to be told and SHOWN that they are loved and valued. You just have to do the best you can with what you've got.

Answer 4

I think you need new friends. A true friend would be supportive of you and help you out any way they can. I'm not single, but I choose to work so me and my husband can have extra money so that the kids can have what they need.

Being a single mother is one of the hardest things that any woman can do, and I admire you for being able to do it without completely falling apart. I don't know how I could do it without my husband.

By the way, are you getting any help from family. They can be your best friends in the worst of times. If you have a good family, fall back on them to be your friends, and drop those stuck up snobs who claim friendship. I would never treat anyone I cared about with that kind of judgement.

Good luck, and great job on being such a wonderful mother.:)

Answer 5

All moms feel guilty when they go back to work. I travel with my job and I miss some things that I really don't want to miss, but it's a fact of life. Stop hanging out with those people! Find some moms that work as hard as you do. I'm sure if you could do it differently, you would. If you chose to continue to hang out with them, let them know that your feelings get hurt when they say these things to you. Convey that you wish that you could sit home and play with your daughter all day, but it's not the way your life has worked out and let them know that your love for your daughter is not at all diminished. Screw them!

Answer 6

I think that they are being very insensitive to your situation. I was able to be a SAHM for a few years, but then I had to go back to work. I understand that if it could be different, you'd probably opt to spend your day with your child.

Let what they say go. You know that you are doing the best that you can given your circumstances. Not everyone can live on one paycheck coming into the house.

Answer 7

I was a Long Term Single Parent, and also on Active Duty with the Military (I've Since Retired ... luckily for me, I had plenty of years of Military Service behind me before I had the children ... since the short disaster of a marriage was just that -- a disaster to an Abusive/Violent, Sociopathic Ex).

As such, I, being the ONLY Active Duty Female assigned to Quarters for my rank on the post ... I can definitely RELATE to the "HATEFUL" comments about working ... and given that I had to meet deployment, TDY, Training and other requirements, as well as everything else ... I was up before the dawn, home after dark, busy all the time, did all the housework after I came home, and yes, cared for my children and was involved in their activities as well ... and EXHAUSTED all the time.

There was NO CHOICE in the matter ... I HAD to work, because the ex was and is also a DEADBEAT parent. For me, it was important to keep not just the roof over the heads of my children, but to provide for their needs, including medical care (since they also had disabilities -- and my ex's family has a lot of psychiatric problems behind it).

It did BOTHER me tremendously when I first heard these remarks ... and then the same hateful SAHMs would turn around and DEMAND that I watch their kids as soon as I got home, or a ride here and there, etc etc etc ... and then YELL at me when I REFUSED ... Hey, I was VERY tired, and yes, exhausted, and not one of them was helpful in any case.

I LEARNED to let it slide .. just walk away, NOT answer their calls, NOT listen to their demands, and yes, when I found them parking in the assigned space for my unit, REPORTED it ...

BECAUSE ... until one stands in the shoes of the WORKING Single Parent, one for whom the FAMILY Depends totally or mostly on the INCOME of that SINGLE PARENT, then they will NEVER understand everything that YOU do to provide for your children OR ...

The SACRIFICES that one makes as a Single Parent or Working Parent.

Answer 8

Don't worry about those "SAHM Friends" because you are doing the best you can for your child.

What kind of friends give you grief instead of support? Shouldn't they be bringing you dinner since they are home all day? Shouldn't they offer to help you? Maybe you need more supportive friends?

I was a single Mom while my son was young. My schedule was similar to yours. When I spent time with my son, it was quality time. My Son is now 18, getting ready for college, happy and healthy. My parents and friends helped. Where are yours?

Answer 9

I am a SAHM, but what was said to you HURTS and is way out of line!!!!!!! I used to work 2nd shift and I brought home ALOT of $$, then I got hurt. Some days my kid wishes he the $ again and then he has me all to himself now. No-win!! Those women ARE JEALOUS!!!! They have to live off someone else and have NO $ they can call what they earned from a working job. I do alot at home and I deserve part of his $ BUT that is not the same as if I earned it!! Do as much as u can with your family, get a closer job maybe, I do not know. I do know it hurts either way!

Answer 10

you are a precious person. What is done is done-we can not change the past. avoid those that are judgemental. Your children are your first priority--in Jesus Christ, give them special time and plan things to their age level- Its a difficult time with a baby and work--do share with girls to let them understand havin babies isnt like having a pet gold fish which most kids have die cause they dont care properly for it-

babies to children to adults all so precious in changing. I am praying for you,
David in amazing grace that saved a wretch like me=John 3 repented and born anew, with Jesus now my savior and best friend. thank you too for your good question friend. David