My 17 year old daughter is dating a guy I don't care for. He has never been rude or disrespectful towards my family and he seems to treat her fine but there is something about him that rubs me the wrong way. He doesn't work or drive and she spends all of her money on him and burns up all of her gas driving him around. He hates to come here because they have no privacy so they spend all of their time at his house. I feel like we never see her anymore.
I asked her to please start spending some more time at home and bring him around more often but she doesn't care what we want. She's only interested in making him happy. If I force them to come here she's so miserable that nobody can stand to be around her.
I just recently stopped giving her money because I told her I wasn't going to help her out financially if she was going to put this family second. Is there something wrong here or am I just afraid of losing her?
2007-03-05 06:34:29 · 11 answers · asked by Lily 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Since you cut off the money supply, she will eventually dump the loser. It may take a few months, but it will happen. Do not be overtly negative to him or she may keep seeing him as an act of rebellion. Set a curfew too.
2007-03-05 06:42:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You really articulated this well. A lot of times parents sense things that the child (son or daughter) don't see about their boyfriend. I think you did the right thing by withdrawning financial support since all she does is spend it on him. But you do need to have a good long talk with her. Just you and her at the kitchen table, no accusations or anything. Just let her know your feelings and that you respect hers, but as an adult and especially as her parent you have to do as you feel is right. If possible why not say she can't see him alternate weekends unless they spend a certain amount of time at your house instead of at his. Is there supervision at his house? Are his parents home when they are there?
You could also ask your daughter what her boyfriends goals are for his life? What career path has his chosen to pursue? What is he doing to reach his goals? What are her goals and how do the two mesh? Will she be going to college? Will he?
Keep the communication lines open, take an active interest in his life and in their interests even if you don't approve. Make sure your statements and questions come out sounding interesting and not accusatory. (It may take some work). And make sure she knows you are making an attempt to accept him, even with your reservations. Eventually she will see him for what he is, sometimes it just takes time. Maybe she doesn't feel she deserves someone better, does she have self-esteem issues? Good luck and God Bless.
2007-03-05 14:48:49 · answer #2 · answered by tersey562 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well if you keep protesting the relationship the only thing that will accomplish is make her hold on to it even stronger. My son was once dating a girl I did not care for. I had them both sit down and me and my husband talked to them both and aired our problems with the relationship. We also gave them the opportunity to speak. The main thing was that there were no raised voices or derogatory statements made. After the meeting I made it a point not to talk about the relationship or my problems with it. If his girlfriend came to visit, I was pleasant and agreeable. Eventually the relationship fizzled out and I was very happy.
If you don't want to give your daughter money because she is spending it on the boyfriend (which is unacceptable), encourage her to get a job. Maybe she'll be less apt to "throw it away" if she actually has to work for it. Don't force her to spend time at home if she doesn't want to. Simply keep enforcing regular house rules and curfews. Hopefully she'll eventually see this guy for the moocher he is. Plus if she has plans for college encourage her in that area too. Her going away to college could also break-up the relationship.
Good luck
P. S. There is nothing wrong with being afraid of losing your daughter. Just be careful not to push too hard.
2007-03-05 14:46:19 · answer #3 · answered by answergirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you did the right thing by not giving her no more money. Give it some time and she should come around. You see your daughter being taken advantage of and you rightfully so, you don't like it. However, if you insist on her not seeing him, we all know she will rebel and see more of him and less of you. It is a catch 22 situation. She is still in your house and it is your rules so tell her something like on Monday nights she has to stay home and have family time. I wouldn't talk bad about the boy because that will only make her cling onto him more. Hopefully you have raised her well enough that she will eventually come to her senses. Most teenage love doesn't last.
Good luck!
2007-03-05 14:39:45 · answer #4 · answered by Raspberry 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you are putting family second. If the guy makes her happy, then shouldn't this be what you want? You have driven them away by your attitude and behavior, and you are upset they they don't spend any time at your house? Are you delusional?
If this guy is bad for her, then she will need to make this determination not you. What you are doing is driving the two of them together.
If you want them there, then you must treat this guy better. And, you must give them some privacy. If you can't do these things, then you either must accept the current situation or find a way to keep them apart. But, you will not be earning points with you daughter. And, you will not be teaching her to assess her own problems.
2007-03-05 14:41:28 · answer #5 · answered by Your Best Fiend 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
it sounds like you raised her right, she picked someone that treats her good so that's a plus. my son is 17 he doesn't drive that don't make him a bum. you say you never see her anymore , maybe your feeling like he is taking her away from you. that's just part of growing up. your daughter knows you don't care for this guy so I'm sure he knows it as well. that could be a big part why they don't come around your house, i wouldn't want to be somewhere i wasn't welcome most people wouldn't. tell your daughter you miss her, and your sorry about the bf thing you would like to try again, get to know him some. please come by for just a bit. then let them go. he needs to feel comfortable too. give it time then maybe she will come around.
2007-03-05 14:45:14 · answer #6 · answered by sassy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ooh I really understand you but the worse thing you can do is telling her that he is the wrong guy she will never understand. and she will be more obsess with him ,because kid at that age when you say no that mean yes,what you did is good do not give her money maybe when he see that she does not have money will look for another one who can take care of him ,and the best thing to do is help her with her self -esteem I think that were the real problem is you have to teach you kid to love their self because if you don't look for the real problem then it will be other kid with something else ,she is not looking for some that love her she just want some one to be with even if she know he is with her not for real love,be careful talk to her as a friend do not just talk about him try to look inside of your daughter what the problem.
2007-03-05 14:52:51 · answer #7 · answered by Queengata 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i know exactly how you feel. My daughter dated a guy i couldnt stand... i could tell he was controlling, i tried talking to her about it but when they are that age they think they have all the answers.She is now married to him and they have been together for 11 years. But he was abusive and they split up twice.But now they are back together and going to church and really trying to work it out... Not that i like him anybetter but i have learned to tolerate him.. So i guess what im saying is. No matter how you feel your daughter will do as she feels right for her at the time. sorry not a very positive answer.
2007-03-05 16:01:28 · answer #8 · answered by bbbrowneyes9 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should be really nice to that guy, even if you have to be fake,and I know is hard but rty to give them privacy, so he will go more to your house. try not to talk to your daugther like a mom, more like a friend, and just make hints. like oh.. your are so pretty you can be with any guy you want, and treatyou like a princess would'nt you like to have a boy friend that has ambition and has a nice job or car, I think you boyfriend is ok, but you can do much better than that. for example if you are in grocery shoping and see a nice guy say to her. thta guy is kind of cute, somebody like that you should date.
2007-03-05 15:55:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he's taking a little advantage of your daughter's car and that she has money. I can't stand guys like that. You are in your right place to be upset about it. No one wants to see their child get taken advantage of. If she stays with him, he could still be jobless and carless in 10 years. and she's supporting him while he sits on his butt. NOT good. Tell her you are only thinking of her welfare. Teen love shines bright but when it dies,it dies fast. It's fleeting, and hopefully she will realize that. :-(
2007-03-05 14:41:13 · answer #10 · answered by yomama23 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋