Addressing the future in-laws?

Question

I'm wondering, what would be the best way for my fiancee to address my parents? His mother is deceased (about 5 years ago) and his father is remarried (4 years ago). He is VERY sensitive about anyone calling them his "parents" - it's his dad and his step-mom. He also is very sensitive to anyone calling his step-mother his mother, so I doubt he will be very receptive to just calling my parents Mom and Dad Smith. However, my parents aren't really comfortable with him calling them John and Jane or Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I know I should ask him what he's comfortable calling my parents, but I have a feeling he will ask me for advice. Ideas?

Answer 1

Dudes? Bro's? Y'all?

Answer 2

I call my in-laws mom and dad because this is what I'm comfrotable with. My mom and dad are still alive and well, and married to each other - but it doesn't feel "wrong" to me to call the in-laws mom and dad too. If this is out of the question - then the only options are calling them by their first names, or calling them Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I don't know of any other alternatives. In Russia, a proper way of addressing an adult in a respectful manner is by the combination of the first name and the patronym (Maria Ivanovna, Pavel Vladimirovich) - which is how in-laws are most commonly addressed. There is no equivalent of this in the Western countries. The solutions are either too intimate (mom/dad, first names) or too formal (Mr & Mrs).

Answer 3

This is something you need to discuss with your parents. I don't call my in-laws "mom" and "dad" either. I'm not comfortable with that. They aren't my mom and dad (my father is deceased so I can understand his sensitivity). I call them by their first names. This seems to be your parents problem not his. They have 2 choices. Either be called Mr. & Mrs. Smith - which seems kind of formal for a son in law or be called by their first names. Insisting he call them "mom" & "dad" isn't fair. Ask them what they would like to be called. I'm not sure why calling them by their first names is such an issue. That is what most son and daughter in-laws do.

Answer 4

Your fiancee should address your parents as Mr. & Mrs. Smith until they invite him to use a less formal form of address. One of their choosing. You might privately discuss this with them so that everyone remains comfortable. Mr. John & Ms. Jane would be nice. I wouldn't even consider Mom & Dad until after the wedding. Even then, Mama Jane & Poppa John might be nice.

Same rules for you, except that you must never address his step-mom as Mom. Her first name should be as informal as that address should become.

These things usually work themselves out in an appropriate way at the right time. I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'm sure you have much more to worry about right now.

One day, Lord willing, they will all become "grandma & grandpa" anyway.

Answer 5

I would ask your parents to give you a couple of options they are comfortable with, then tell your fiance he can call them whatever he wants (in the options).

My parents told my fiance he can call them whatever he wants, Ma and Pa, Mom and Dad, Mom2 and Dad2, Mom and Pop, John and Jane, Mr and Mrs, etc. He always called them "Mr and Mrs" when we were dating. Now, he's uncomfortable with that, so he actually doesn't call them anything! He waits until they look at him before he talks to them. It's actually funny because my father caught on so he just won't look at my fiance at all (forcing him to make a funky noise to get my father's attention...hilarious, actually).

My fiance's parents have told me to call them "Mom and Dad" but this is kinda uncomfortable for me b/c I feel I already have a mom and dad (though my parents don't care). His family calls his father "Pappy" which I could do b/c I don't have a Pappy, but I feel weird calling his father that and still calling his mother "Mrs"

Answer 6

Mother Jane and Dad John

Answer 7

Having lost both my parents prior to marriage I can sympathize with your fiance. The sweetest memory I have was at my wedding when my husbands mother came up to me and said "I know I will never replace your mother but I would be honored to call you daughter and I hope one day you can call me mom." The call isn't yours to make but as my "mom" said it so eloquently it was her invitation to be her child that helped me see the value and opportunity she was offering. Your parents need to talk to him and decide together what is the best choice and what works for both there comfort level and keeping the door open to create a bond with your family. Good Luck!

Answer 8

I'd say for him to continue calling them what he does now. Just because you are getting married doesn't mean he has to begin calling your parents Mom & Dad or Mr. & Mrs.

Before I got married I called my in-laws by their first names and I still refer to them this way.

Answer 9

If your financee is a laid back kinda guy, why not just let him call them by their first names. My husband does, and although my parents were a bit taken aback by his ballsy manner, they loved him for being himself and not trying to dance around it. Afterall, we are adults (even with the 30 yr age diff!)
But if he is more reserved guy, likes to be PC, then how about Mr. and Mrs. S. or something along those lines? In the end, if they all get chummy, it may change.

Answer 10

The polite thing to to call them is Mr/Mrs Smith until they give him permission to call them something else. They will then tell him to call them??? if they say "oh just call me mom" he should respond with "oh I'd rather not Mrs.Smith" At this time your mom should tell him to call her Jane. She should get the cue that she will be Mrs Smith until he gives her permission.

Answer 11

He should call them what he wants. I call my in-laws by their first name.

I understand where he is coming from in not wanting his dad and stepmom to be called his parents. It's hard losing a parent... you should respect his feelings. When I use the term "my parents" it refers to my mom and dad... not anyone else.