Help; my abusive past relationship may be affecting my current relationship...?

Question

About three or four years ago, I suffered with an abusive boyfriend. To make a long story short, some of the things he did to me was slap, punch, kick, and bite me, and he would literally burn me with matches or lighters. His "favorite" thing to do to me was run a sink full of water and shove my face into it, or pull my hair so hard that my scalp bled. I dealt with this for six months before I got over my fear of him and left him for good (and haven't seen him but once since then). But now, I'm with a really amazing and sweet guy, and we're thinking about marriage and moving in together. But my new guy complains about how I "jump" everytime he moves suddenly or cry really hard whenever he accidentally says something that reminds me of the past. I've sought help from counselors, doctors, and medications, but nothing seems to work; the memories just will NOT go away. I need help; any ideas of how I can force away my past, and prepare to dedicate my future with my dream guy?

Answer 1

I feel the same way. I was married to a very abusive man for 18 years and my new guy is lovely in every single way. He doesn't understand really why I'm so completely sensitive to everything he says and how hard I take even well-meaning questions. I know that I, too, jump at sudden noises and am afraid to ever argue or appear unhappy. He's been wonderful about my past and tells me very frequently that he loves me - and shows it too. I wish I could get the awful words of my ex out of my head and forget that whole time, but my boyfriend thinks that I should see a therapist to help me learn to put it in the past.

It's been kind of soon though. Maybe it takes time to let go of the past. I would think it's post-traumatic stress disorder for both of us and there are treatments that help. Maybe hypnosis would help for you.

Answer 2

You talk about 'forcing away your past'. Maybe thats part of the problem! If you are still jumpy or really emotional about it then you haven't finished dealing with it. It won't go away just because you want it to, its something that you need to deal with head on.

If you are talking about marriage and he is really the sweet caring man that you describe then he should have no problems with sitting down and discussing it all with you. Abusive relationships are difficult because its hard to accept that the problem is out of your hands - that no matter what you do you cannot fix the other person or control their actions. Maybe you are still coming to terms with that and are subconciously overwhelmed with the fact that you have a found a man that can control himself, maybe you still believe deep down that you do affect how your partner acts and that if you do something wrong this new man will begin to act just like your ex did.

If you have sought professional help already, maybe its time to really sit down with yourself and let your thoughts and emotions run freely. If you are tired of having to put your new partner through the rollercoaster, find some time alone to really think about the past - how you felt when you were abused and what finally made you realize you had to leave. Then think about how strong you were for doing so and that you are lucky to have a new man - a man that even if he were to ever turn out like the ex you would have the strength to take care of yourself again. That being said, I dont know how long you've been with your new man and I'm not saying that hes not the amazing person you've described, but you wouldnt be wrong given your state of mind to really sit down and evaluate his behaviours. Figure out if you are reacting this way to him simply because of your past or is there some controlling or abusive behavior that you see in you new partner as well? You might not want to think about that but if he really is a good man he will past the test no matter what :)

It might take a long time for your scars to heal, but just keep in mind that the longer you try to "force away your past" the longer until you actually come to terms with it!

Answer 3

Keep seeking a counselor that can help you...and try to realize THIS guy isn't the one who did those horrid things. He doesn't deserve to be punished for what someone else did to you.

It's understandable that you have trust issues and are fearful, nobody should have to go through what you did. But your experience (thankfully) is not the norm and although all relationships have their ups and downs, violence/abuse isn't usually how the "downs" are handled.

Find someone who can help you come to terms with what you went through, and put it behind you. Until you are able to do that, you're not going to be ready to be a good partner for someone else...you don't need to forget the past, but you do need to put it away as something that is behind you...learn from it, but don't fear every guy in your future is going to treat you that way.

Take care of you!

Answer 4

You shouldnt be in a relationship before you have time to heal. I know Ive been with a man like that. And when I started dating I couldnt get over the paranoid feeling of the past. I wound up living alone till I was 30 years old before I could really get over it and get married and have a child. It took me 11 years counseling and medication. Of course the right man. I still went through the feelings of at first that when we would have a tiff that I would get very upset until my husband saw me freak out totally did he understand what Id been through and its over. I cant hardly remember those days. Of course Itll always be your past but the feelings will fade.

Answer 5

Wow that sounds so awful...You need to let go of the past try to forget...I don't want to sound weird or anything but...Have you ever tried to seek God's help...I think that you need to:
1. Try to forgive and forget
2. YOUR DREAM GUY ISN'T GOING TO HURT YOU. (he hasn't done anything to you so far?..)
3. Start over clean..This is a new part of life away from the things of past think about the future with the guy your with now he sounds like he would never hurt you

My best advice is find GOD. He will help you forgive and forget. Think about the future not the past. We only have one life so enjoy it don't cry it's over..he can't hurt you anymore..don't spend your whole life in fear..

Answer 6

I believe the reason is that you never had the ex arrested. Sounds to me you just finally left him. That just leave lose ends to the relationship. He assaulted you many times and you let him get away with it. That can really leave the possibility of him continuing--even though you are no longer together. You can't expect to feel safe now when you have done nothing to stop this guy from doing this to other women and not being punished for what he did to you. You HAVE to stand up for yourself. Now you are projecting on your new relationship. Go back and talk to your counselor WITH your new boyfriend. I think it will really help. And if he loves you like you say, he should be willing to help.

Answer 7

This is a difficult one, but there are drugs out there that will helpyou. Sertraline is a good one, but you have to give it time to work. It deals with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which you could be suffering from. Therapy, though you say you have had counselling already, can help. Give it another try. Another thing might be hypnotherapy that will help you forget what has happenend to you.
Good luck honey.

Answer 8

I don't know if you ever totally get over an abusive relationship. After a few years of being out of a very abusive relationship, I am very gun shy. I am still a little fearful of men.

Answer 9

Nothing time cant fix. And stay clear of drugs, any drugs.