When I had my 1st child at 15, my Mother completely took over looking after her because I was at school...?

Question

..and stuff, and I guess been 15 I quite enjoyed it, then she kicked me out of home at 16 and kept my daughter, saying she wouldn't have her grandchild in a hostel. I am now 19, in a stable relationship with my boyf of a year and a half and we have our own house as he is quite well off. Very begrudgingly my Mum let me have my daughter, who is now 4, because both her and my Dad are in ill health, their house is a disgusting tip and they kept having Social Services round, my daughter wasn't getting bathed, getting dressed or anything, they were still feeding her like a baby!
I am now 8 weeks pregnant and my Mother reckons she will have my daughter back in September because I won't be able to cope, when I understand that it will be hard, but my 4 year old will be at school and my boyf only works Mon-Fri 9 until 5. My daughter is now happy, clean and feeding herself, but doesn't understand why Mummy isn't so keen to let her spend time with her Nanny......am I right to be worried?

Answer 1

your doing a great job, even if it did take you a while to get back on your feet, youve done the right thing your the mum you should have every right to look after your child, your own mother has got to understand she is the grandmother and although she loves her your child is yours!

maybe you could take your daughter round once a fortnight or something then your mum can see what a great job your doing and your daughter will still get to see her nan.i wouldnt leave them alone though as if your mum wants your daughter back so much, she could start filling her head with bad things.

talk to social services and explain yourself and your situation, they are already going to be aware that your parents are not fully capable to look after your daughter and you are !

congragulations on the pregnancy by the way

Answer 2

Try to ignore your mom's behavior and negative talk. You're on your feet now, and a lot more grown up. Remember, there likely will always be this kind of attitude from your mom, you have to brace yourself every time you're going to have an encounter from her.
You need to decide in advance, where you're drawing the lines: what is and isn't acceptable on her part. How much bad talk about you will you allow your daughter to hear from her, how long at a time you'll let daughter to stay with mom, how much babying you'll allow mom to do. If you can keep the visits to social occasions when you'll be present, and not have daughter there for childcare, it'll be an easier environment for you to exercise your control in. Maybe mom will focus on the new baby, and not try to repeat what happened before. Do your best to be forgiving, act like the more mature young woman you are now. Your mom may be locked into old behaviors and old expectations, don't le that rile you. Be prepared to let your actions speak for you, she'll get the picture, especially if you can be gracious about it. Really try to rise above any bickering she tosses your way. Demonstrate that you have control (you know what's best and see to it) for your life and your family.
As a back up, get some family counseling, it'll help you keep your mind focused and clear while you're developing your other skills in the school of family life.
Congratulations and good luck.

Answer 3

Yes i think you need to stand up to your mother now and tell her that you can cope and that she is your daugher and this is your new baby and you will be the one taking care of them. Say how much you appreciate all her help in the past but this time you will be the one in charge. Plus you dont want to confuse you daughter and make her feel pushed out because there is a new baby around. Its important that she is still shown as much love and comfort. You could arrange for you mum and dad maybe to have you little girl once a week as this may help you out plus it is still important that your daughter has a close relastionship with her grandparents. Speak to your mum about the state of her house and explain that this is not a safe environement for a child and maybe help her tidy up! Good Luck

Answer 4

Let your mother know that you are very thankful for what she did but you are older now and in a stable relationship. Let your daughter still have visits with her as, even though you dont think that she looked after her well enough, your daughter will see her as the person who has brought her up.

Firmly tell your mother that you believe that living with you, your boyfriend and your new baby will be the best thing for your daughter as you are now a proper family.

Good luck and congratulations on the new baby

Answer 5

You must always be grateful that your mum was there for you when you were in trouble she could have made you have the child adopted, BUT you have the child back now and she sounds better off with you and your boyfriend. If you sent her back to nannies now she will think that you prefer the baby to her. Have nanny to visit you, your child obviously loves her as she lived with her for the first four years of her life, do not try to break the bond, but I would not let my child go back or even stay there. Wish you luck with the new baby but the four year old needs lots of love and hugs as well.

Answer 6

I think you should speak to proffessionals about your situation.Maybe get in touch with your health visitor at your gps surgery.
Your little girl needs stability and she has been used to living with your mum all of her life.Now that you are able to provide the stable loving home she needs you also need to bear in mind that she will miss nanny.Im sure you,ll do just fine in September when your baby is here but make sure you get all the help and suport possible from midwife,healthvisitor and your boyfriend.
You should be able to prove to your mum just what a good mother you are! and hopefully keep some relationship between you,your children and your parents.Enjoy your new baby and your little girl!

Answer 7

You daughter doesn't understand what all went on. All she knows is that she used to see her Nanny everyday, and now everything is changed. I would let her see your Mom, for the sake of your daughter...you don't want her to end up resenting you, because she loves her Nanny and wants to see her, and you're hesitant. I wouldn't let her live there, but I certainly would encourage an ongoing relationship. It sounds like you've really turned your life around...congratulations...it's hard to turn things around once they get started. You've found the strength to do it...keep up the good work!

Answer 8

I think you should be very thankful that your parents took care of your child. Something is wrong with having a child at age 15, don't you think? And you should think more about how to take care of you and your child on your own feet, instead of having someone else putting roof over your head and feeding you.
If you think you are old enough to have a family, you should be able to give your children what it takes to be a GOOD MOTHER. Good prenting is not only about keeping your child clean, but to be a role model and give them the examples of life. Teaching them right from wrong. Would you want your daughter to have a child at age 15? Remember, animals can have babies, what makes us difference from animals are to be able to think and make decisions. Your parents did what they can for you and your child, because they love you. They wanted you to finish school, which is every parent's wish. Why are you denying them from seeing their grandchild who they raised? Instead of blaming others, you should think about your actions first.

Answer 9

I think you both need help. But at least your mom was protecting your daughter. You are now a twice an unwed mother. That is not good for either of your children. I say since your parents are ill put them both up for an adoption so that they can grow up in a two parent home. You need to focus on getting yourself together so that you quit getting pregnant when you are not married. Give your children a chance at life instead of taking them from home to home and from man to man.

Good luck!

Answer 10

It was awesome that your mom helped out but if you continue to let her do that she will hold that over your head forever. Do you want your child in that environement sounds like she is doing alot better with you. My fiancee and his daughter lived with his mom after his divorice untill the time we got together and his mom is constanly like I raised her you weren't around, I try laying ground rules for his daughter and his mom ALWAYs undermines me saying i am not legally her stepmom and i can't do that even though he and his x wife are behind me 100 percent Good luck and God bless you.