At what age is it inappropriate for a boy to sleep in his mother's bed?

Question

My son of 9 will rarely sleep through the night, and craves physical contact in order to get to sleep. He usually sleeps in a room opposite his mother's with both doors open, a direct line of vision between them, and with a light on. At my house I will not do this, as he has slept well in the past. However this disturbs my sleep, and - more importantly - upsets him. My ex allowed him to sleep in her bed until he was 7, and - although she denies it - either lets him do this still, or sits on his bed and holds him until he goes to sleep. She treats him like a baby, and he plays up to this. He lacks self-esteem. Any advice?

Answer 1

Oh you poor guy!! I would imagine shes telling a fib to you and still babies him. That stinks that she lets him sleep in her bed. You actually should NEVER let your kids sleep with you because you are doing them an injustice by not teaching them independence!! Children do need to feel secure but there are other ways of making them feel secure . Tell your ex that she has some issues that she needs to deal with on her own and let your son grow up! If the kids at school ever find out about that he sleeps with his mother he will live a tortured existence. I wonder if you got him some sort of toy he could sleep with or something that would help!!Good Luck

Answer 2

I have 5 boys, everyone of them slept with me, when they got around 10-11, they were not in my bed but on my floor, and then they eventually just went into their own bed. Someone said a 9 yr old doesn't need their mother...which is so not true. He may have insecurities that we're not aware of, and if sleeping with his mom calms these, I don't see anything wrong with it. My ex complained all the time too, but when I talked to a physiologist about it...he said.."Did you know that this is mainly an American issue?" Other countries don't have a huge issue of children sleeping with parents. Sometimes whole families sleep together. I thought that was interesting. I'm sure your son, when he is ready will graduate into his own bed.

Answer 3

The child might be afraid of being alone, and you did say EX so I assume you are divorced, so that may give some insecurity, I am as well divorced ( male ) and my daughter crept into my bed until she was 9 or 10, eventually I got her to sleep in a bed next to mine and would rest my arm on the bed side cupboard so she could hold my hand, eventually she let go and I got her to sleep alone, she is now 15 and she would not be seen dead holding daddies hand so she is a normal kid now, Some time it takes a little longer, but if you are really worried go and ask you doctor for advice as in these times your EX could end up in trouble for abuse if things got out in public, even if it is a normal relationship, every one is paranoiac these days.

Answer 4

I would say the innappropiate age is 6 or more. Ask him why he does this? Is he afraid of 'monsters' yet again he is 9 so this may not be the case.

Although many children have a fear of the dark, as your eyes play up in the night and can make you 'see things' and it can scare the younger children. Also the house settles down in the night and makes weird sounds, right? maybe he thinks it is someone else in the house.

So ask him what is wrong and why he has to have the light on and why he has to have somewhere there for him to be able to go to sleep and work with him until he in comfortable in sleeping by himself.

Answer 5

Yes 9 is maybe a lttle old but kids do get insecure sometimes when their parents plit up.

I really wouldn't worry about it, puberty will hit soon and your son will want more privacy.

Better to work on building up his self esteem - instead of calling him a baby when he wants some comfort praise him when he does something grown up like helping to lay the table.

As adults we can be so down on kids 'babyish' behaviour and yet I know that there are times at night i need a bit of reassurance but I am 35 and lucky to have my partner sleeping next to me - a nine year old only gets a cold, lonely, dark room and no reassurance - poor thing.

Answer 6

I think he is too old. i agree with you in that he needs to learn to fall asleep on his own. personally, i never let any of my kids in my bed to sleep even when they were babies just so i wouldn't have this problem and it worked just fine. i dated a guy in high school whose 12 yr old brother didnt even have a bed cause he still slept w/ his parents. i thought that was rediculous, therefore I made it a rule in my home that it was not gonna happen!!! Has he ever been to a sleepover, or had one? maybe if he realizes that other kids his age dont do this, he wont want to either. he is growing up, and whether you want to hear this, puberty is only a few years away.

Answer 7

I think that it is totally inappropriate. She sounds incredibly insecure to me. Is he the youngest? If so, maybe she doesn't want him to grow up. If she is still single, maybe she is doing this to make her feel more needed. It's not long before he goes to secondary school and she is doing him no favours at all. How will he cope on a school trip away?? She has to encourage him to be more independent. He is still at the stage of a 3 year old with his sleep patterns! She sounds like she needs some serious counselling or therapy to me! Looks like you had a lucky escape!

Answer 8

I think it's very odd after the age of 5. At age 9, he does not need his mother. He should be old enough to sleep alone definitely. If he doesn't, something is seriously wrong.


If I were you, I'd put my foot down. It's just not normal.

Answer 9

I think at the age of 3 or 4 a child should be 'trained' to sleep in his/her own room. At that age, they will adjust to the new arrange though it may be a challenge on both parties at first.

3 or 4 is the right age

Answer 10

this isn't healthy for your child as he grows older he will have great detachment problems which will most defiantly effect him in later life your wife needs to stop babying him this will be quite hard to break the cycle but this needs done now or he will grow up to be one of these men who never get married and are at there mothers side 24/7