Single mum of 3 under 3 and need alot of help with everything?

Question

I have 3 boys, twins at three and a nearly 2 yr old and I cant get them to do anything I tell them to do. They got alot of bull off their father when he was around and now they are very unhappy little boys and I pull my hair out at times when they dont listen to me. I cant get them to play together at all and if they do they fight within 5 minutes, they wont go to bed when I tell them to and it is a fight with screaming for a hour if not more, they dont want to eat anything I make them so alot of food gets thrown in the bin they dont beleive in quite time at all and they hate playing in their rooms and one of the twins and my 23 month old think it is fun to paint the walls with poo at every nap time I'm really out of answers and I would take aboard anything you guys have to offer me because I'm going crazy and I'm trying to be the best mum that I can be with being single and all. Cheers everyone hope for answers soon.

Answer 1

Take a bigggggg deeeeeepppp breath..... and relax.... for just a moment...

I have had five kids including some pretty heavy duty special needs kids with behaviour problems....

The most important things about altering your kids behaviour is to understand that you can not control your child...... the aim of changing their behaviour is not for you to control your child..... The aim of working on their behaviour must be to teach them to manage and control their own behaviour.....

This like all other kinds of parenting is easier said than done... but can be done even with the most difficult children..
My three youngest were born in consecutive years ad so I knowwww what you are going through.... here is what I learned along the way..

Follow this plan and see where it takes you and your boys..

1) Be organised plan each day of the week to fine tune.... know what you and the kids will be doing on each day... include lots of fun outings (but keep them short for your own sanity)

2) Use their rivalry to your benefit.... ie say... I wonder who can be first to wash their hands for dinner? .... first into bed? ,,,,, first to eat all their lunch...

3) Make food suitable affordable and simple to prepare. Place the three plates on the table at each meal for the boys.. (Don't try to eat at the same time as them it wont happen .... but you know that already...hey!) If they beg for something different then say I am sorry this is what is for lunch today, there isnt anything else.

4) Remove plates from table 30 minutes later...... no matter what.... just quietly get up pick up the plates scrape the food into the bin and wash the plates..... no relinquishing ever!!!!

DO NOT ever offer them something else just because you feel bad about them not eating..... you are a mum not a short order chef.... no toddler ever voluntarily starved to death when good food is available to them...

and remember an apple is more filling than three or four biscuits (cookies) so fresh fruit does work out to be cheaper than other snack foods..

More than once a week I made a platter of fresh fruit and cheese with plain crackers and allowed my kids to eat whatever they wanted off the platter.... this was an effective way to allow them to manage their own eating.... and in a healthy way... it reallllly takes the heat off and there is very little washing up to do afterwards...

Also occassionally I would reverse dinner and allow them to have sweets first then offer a small serve of food I knew they liked as the main course afterwards... this takes away the possibility of falling into the time worn and ineffective habit of using sweet food as a reward for eating...

and really don't sweat the small stuff... if they dont like beans feed peas... if they dont like broccolli feed cauliflower....

5) Do not scream, yell or smack..... once you head in this direction turning around is very difficult... instead just take a very matter of fact view of everything.... tell the boys what is expected and then proceed to help them do what is expected... (yes you and I know that lively little boys will scatter in all directions but do this anyway)

If it is say bath time you tell them it is now bath time and they are to have a bath.... don't bath the little darlings together this does not save time.... by the time you referee ten arguments and save more than one from being drowned by his brothers you will be worn out and have spent more time than if you bathed them one at a time.... catch the hardest to bath first.... this way the battles get easier as you get worn out.....

have some toys that each of the boys may play with only after their bath..... so the first one into and out of the bath gets a favoured toy to play with.... if the other boy tries to play with the toy you say No. This is an after bath toy. As soon as you have a bath you can play with it... they will get the idea

6) REWARD YOURSELF!!!... Give yourself regular pats on the back... even if it is just for surviving another day in the war torn land of parenting toddlers....

7) Turn off the tv...... YES turn it off... you cant compete with an electronic babysitter for your kids attention... so turn it off... and make an appointment with them to give them half an hour of your attention to play a game... and let them take turns in deciding what game to play and how to play it.... it is important that young children are the 'boss' of their own playtime sometimes...this is how they begin to learn to manage their own behaviour and it inspires their imagination too..

8) choose the most difficult behaviour first and work on that.... ignore all other bad behaiovur and focus solely on the one kind fo bad behaviour you want your daughter to learn to manage...

9) once you know what you and your boys are working on you let them know that you know they can learn to adjust and manage this one behaviour... reassure them that you love them and you believe they can learn to behave in a better way...

10) every chance you get reward them with kind words about being successful... even if only successful at the last possible moment... or in a small way... Spend your day looking for positive and helpful behaviours.

11) when your sons behaviour is out of control they must go into 'time out' this is one minute for each year of their life..... two minutes for two year olds three minutes for three year olds..

12) time out time starts only after they sit still and quiet..

13) if he refuses to sit you need to repeatedly lead him back to the time out chair and reseat him there and remind him that he can sit still for two/three minutes and that you know he can be succesful.... (I remember having to repeat this process many many many times for my five year old to make it through his first five minutes....and I am sure the reassurances that he can do this were as much for my benefit as for his...LOL)

14) When he succeeds in sitting still and quiet reward him lavishly by saying positive things about his behaviour and his ability to manage himself.... such things as "Wow! You did it! You succeeded in managing your own behaviour for two/three minutes!" and "That is very good self control." and "You are very good at sitting still.... It helps if you say along the way..... "You've been sitting still for one minute.. that mean only one to go.." and way to go.. You only have half a minute to go on the chair... etc...

15) do not make generalised statements of praise or punishments such as "you are a good boy" or "you are a bad boy" these kind of unspecified statements do not help him to understand what behaviour is being praised...or punished.. instead make very specific praise... and praise each of your children right through the day... (YUP it gets tiring and you start to feel like an automaton looking for good behaviours all day but it does make a difference and has the added benefit of shifting your focus to the good things your kids do...)
Some positive types of praise you might look for throughout the day are:
"You put your breakfast bowl in the sink. You are a good helper in the house"
"I noticed you let _______ have some of the toys. That was very good sharing."
"You haven't pushed or hurt anyone this morning. That is very good control."
"Thank you for helping to put the toys away. That is great. Now I have time for a snuggle!"
"You went to bed when I asked you to. That was very grown up of you."
"Oh you helped ____ when he fell over.. That is very good caring"

When your son manages his behaviour about one thing well for several days add one more behaviour to the list.... then when he has some consistent success with that one then add another...

This is a slow programme that will take determination from you and your boys to help them change their behaviour....

You can do this.... you can help them gain control....

please dont be a slave to them..... and know that learning how to take no for an answer is an important lesson for everyone....

Answer 2

I'm a mum of twins aged 2 (not a single mum though) I just wanted to say that if you have any friends or family that can help you, then now is the time to call upon them- it will help you to keep your sanity and it may help the children having someone different around helping with the discipline.

Other answers here have covered a lot of information to help you with your children so i won't go into that.

But i wish you all the best and wish i could give you a hug- I do feel for you.

Answer 3

I'm a single Mum too and although I only have one child I know how tiring that can be.why not try doing something all together at bedtime? Have a book that you all read together and them 1 or 2 short songs and then lights out. For quiet time try giving them a picnic and a film in the afternoon, close the curtains and just snuggle them up on the sofa. Also try to get some help from friends and family while trying to settle them into a routine. \the best of luck to you.

Answer 4

Bed times a screaming fight for atleast an hour??? This shouldnt be a fight, you are the boss, not them. Just remember your in control. Put your boys to bed, shut the door and walk away. Don't go back to tell them to be quiet, don't try and bribe them, just simply walk away, a good hard cry will not hurt them. They need to learn that mums not going to give in when I cry or scream.

Every child has different tastes in food, but if they're just being plain fussy, don't give them an alternative. Give them their dinner, if they don't eat it, then they go hungry, they will not get sick and die, children will eat when they're hungry. This may take several days, and sleeping routine could take a week or two, but once they realise that your the boss, things will become easier for you.

Answer 5

I feel for you I am a mother of three,6 year old twins and a 10month .
I was a single mother of my twins for many years and it is quite hard having to raise them on your own.

You need to show your children who is boss cause at the moment they are running rings around you and they know that you are going to give into them.

As far as bed time you need to get them into a rotiune so that they go to bed at the same time every night,and this will take you several weeks but you have to be strong and keep doing this. If they put on a turn just leave them cause they are only playing with you and they no that they will win in the end.

I have been pretty lucky with my twins as they have been good sleepers since i brought them home from the hospital and i have kept them in the same rotuine.All three of my children are in bed by 7.30 every nite and its a blessing as you do need that time for youself. If it helps you need to set a time for them and sick to it,if that means, if you are out and you need to leave wherever you are to take your boys home for bed than thats what you have to do.

For me i try not to be anywhere at the time my children go to bed. For meal times get your children to help you out with meals even if its setting the table or getting the veges out of the fridge things like that,they will really enjoy helping and you will find that they might eat someting.

Kids will always fight so it don't worry too much as they get older it might get better.My twins still fight to this day and i just say to them if you can't play together then i send them to their room until they get board with being in their room and then they want to play together.
As far as painting the poo on the walls have you tried turing the nappy around so that they can't undo the nappy.I am guessing that they are in disposable nappies. Their is no chance that they can undo the nappy.

Just one last suggestion if your children don't go to day care put them into one .Only one day a week you need time for yourself. It's not the easiest thing being a mother but you are doing alright and your children will love you no matter how hard you are on them . So i wish you all the best hope this has been so help. You will get their and your boys will respect you.