Please Help!!!!?

Question

My wife and I have a 3 year old daughter. We need to know what we can do to make her listen. . I know she's only 3 years old, but it's time for her to start listening and minding. . . . She throws things at us, spits at us, and yells at us. . . Most of the time she will listen to me, because i will spank her butt if she does. Now, my wife she will not listen for nothing. She has spanked her, and everything else we can do. My wife thinks she's the problem, because she can't spank her and make her mind. Is there anything we can do? My wife is about to lose it.

We have started before she was 3. My little girl has epilepsy. We think it may affect her ability to learn things. . We just don't know. . And FYI, i don't like Nanny 9-11. . hehe

I will not use a belt on my little girl. I was beaten with a belt when i was younger, and i don't wanna do that. . . I use my hand or a fly-swatter.

Answer 1

You have made a good start by asking for help and by realizing how important it is for your daughter to obey you. I do have some suggestions that you may or may not like, but if you will follow them I can tell you that your home will be different by next week at this time.

First of all, you need to correctly label your daughter's misbehavior as disobedience. When you say, "She doesn't listen to me," that downplays things. She listens fine. She just doesn't obey.

Kids misbehave in various fashions because it gets them what they want. It is soooo fun to defy authority and get away with it. There is SUCH pleasure in doing what you want and for making that big adult powerless to stop you.

As the big person, you are NOT powerless. Here is the Parenting Tip of the Day: you need to calmly tell your daughter one time to do something, and if she does not immediately obey with a good attitude, use your hand to spank her, then have her do whatever it was that she refused to do. If you will do this over and over, then in a very short time it will no longer be fun to disobey, and she will obey.

If you are not consistent, then she will keep trying because it is just so personally rewarding to be defiant, and if she gets by with it, she will keep doing it.

Consider this scene: Mother tells daughter, "Pick up that toy." Daughter ignores mother. Mother repeats request. Daughter considers, then obeys. You might think that is a good thing, but consider this: Daughter got away with disobeying one time, and obeyed one time. The score is 50/50. She is going to push things farther next time. You cannot put up with disobedience AT ALL if you WANT obedience.

Consider another scene: Mother tells daughter 10x to do something, and daughter continues ignoring mother. Finally, mother comes marching over, very angry, to spank the daughter. Now tell me - do you consider this child to be at risk of mild abuse? I do. Lack of discipline leads to abuse, not the other way around.

You might think, "But I'd feel MEAN if I spanked my child every time she disobeyed. I'd be doing nothing but spanking her. That's not fair to her." A couple of thoughts here - first of all, you will spank her FAR LESS if you spank her every time she disobeys, because she will become sooo obedient. When my daughter was about 13 mos old she developed a will to run the other way when I called her. I would give her one little spat on the leg when she did this. When she was 16 mos old she decided to obey. That was more than 10 years ago. She had gotten probably 4 or 5 spankings since then. Her friends that weren't trained to obey have gotten DOZENS, not to mention the family disharmony that results from disobedient kids. My son was slower and more stubborn, but even he decided to obey before he turned 3. He has gotten a few spankings since then, but not many. And as to the thought of 'that's not fair' - right now your daughter probably does not get a lot of favorable glances from you and your wife. She probably gets yelled at a lot, and if she is throwing things, spitting, and yelling at you - she is NOT a happy child. Being allowed to be disobedient has not made her happy, and it has not made you happy, plus she does not enjoy your favor. THAT IS NOT FAIR. She is a little child and deserves to have the good favor of her parents. If you will teach her to obey, she will receive lots of sincere smiles from you, and your home will be so much more peaceful and happy.

Answer 2

Try setting boundaries and consequences, rather than spanking. I always gave my daughter limited choices. For example, "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the purple shirt?" So she felt she had some control over what was happening in her life, but I controlled the choices from which she could select. I presented "time out" as an opportunity to regain her composure. My daughter would actually ASK for a time out when she got upset, so she could have some time to sit in the bean bag chair and calm down. Then, once she regained her composure, she would come back to me, get a big hug, and we'd talk together. Your daughter is at an age where she can finally exert some control over herself, but she still has to learn to follow the rules. Let her know that you're all on the same team. I wish you the best!

Answer 3

1. When she doesn't listen, try to get to her at her level (literally). Look her in the eyes and hold her hands. Tell her what you need to tell her and make it short and sweet. If she decides to go nuts, put her in her room. Keep doing this EVERY TIME to reinforce to her that when you say something, you mean it and there will be consequences for her actions. Speak in a calm but firm voice and speak only once. She has to learn to listen again.

2. No matter how you decide to deal with your child, you and your wife need to be on board with how you discipline your child. When she throws things, spits and yells, put her in her room. If she destroys the room, take everything out that she doesn't need.

3. Your wife sounds like the weakest link here. You guys need to form a 'united front' and become the stable structure that children need. Smart children will work the parent they can work. If you two as parents plan a course of action and stick to it, supporting each other it might help. When your wife speaks to her and she begins to act up, I don't think you should step in because as much as you might be better equipped to dissolve the situation, the child/mother relationship doesn't change.

If your wife is completely stressed out, she has to come first. Trying to deal with a difficult child when you're weak, will do nothing except help you get use to your state of weakness and make it harder to change the pattern.

Your wife needs to decompress first. She's in no state to effectively deal with your child.

Remember: She's 3. She's doing what is allowed. Not every child reacts to fear and physical punishment well so, there has to be other options. Is she around other children? How does she behave around other children? Is it just you and your wife that bear the brunt of her behaviour?

Answer 4

Never ever use an object to hit with. That is the true form of child abuse. I am all for a smack but to use an object is plain wrong. Talk to your doctor about parenting courses in your area and look into this site. the triple P program is becoming known as the best in the world. It is using simple effective punishments to change the bad behaviour of kids. I did it when mine were 2 and it was the best thing I ever did. Everyone comments on how well behaved my kids are. It is a fantastic program that if followed properly does amazing changes

Answer 5

SUPERNANNY! lol

I have a three and a half year old boy and he went through this phase for about 6 months when he first turned three. It wasn't until VERY recently that he has cooperated with me. Does your wife stay home with her? The reason I ask is because I stay home with my son and noticed that he responded less to me than his father who works outside the home. Keep in mind, I am a mom not an expert but one day the light bulb went off and I think I realized that I was always yelling at him because after a while, as you know, you lose your patience with politely asking them a million times to do something or to listen to you. I gathered myself and stopped yelling. I got down to his level and got his attention by talking TO him instead of AT him. I also started counting backwards from 5. Once I reached 1 he received a spanking. Now...I say the number 5 and he is running to do whatever he is supposed to do. Not in a fearful way for all of you who think I have scared the daylights out of my son. I also took things away if he did not listen and rewarded him when he did well. We used to say "do a good job and get rewards" then all of a sudden he was asking us did I do a good job and we praised highly. You would never know right now that I have had issues with him listening. He is very good. Hope this helps. Good luck! Your wife WILL regain her sanity..I did and I never thought it was possible. :)

Answer 6

nanny 911 and this web site both have the same thing in common consistency ,you do the same thing every time ,every one each time no matter how many times it takes , that's the only way ,, my friend said time out doesn't work her kid wouldn't do it etc then i started watching him and guess what .... it took me 2 weeks and he listened to me and not her ....WHY?? because i did the same thing every time ,,,and don't make a threat you cant keep if you say ( if you hit me you wont go to the store with me today )then you have to make sure the child doesn't get to go ,so make arrangements with some one to keep the child while you go ,read the 123 magic book i raised my son with it and all of his teachers say hes the best kid ,so polite, well behaved, its the best tool i ever found ,they didn't have it when my older one was being raised ,too bad too ,i did a better job of it with my second one and much easier its work still but not near as bad makes it easy for us and makes them responsible for themselves

Answer 7

have a bold coner every time she doesn't listen put her in there and she should stay in there one minute per year of age even if you have to stand behind her. every time she comes out the put her back in there and time starts again you could ger a alarm lock to help set the time and tell her when the time is up an the bell rings she may come out but only then this worked for me

Answer 8

Welcome to the club of parenting! Being a father of 3 kids myself, I do understand. Also, being afflicted with epilepsy since I was in in the 3rd grade, I understand that as well.
My children are mostly well behaved but you should know kids by now... they have their days. I do believe spanking, although I never do it in anger. And before I do spank, I give them a choice. Usually, they will choose the lesser of the two... clean or recieve a spanking.
There are other ways to discipline also. I also send my kids to the wall... with there nose to the wall and there hands straight up. After awhile there hands/arms get tired and then they will be ready to listen.
The best way to parent is to reward kids for their good behavoir and not to discipline them for every thing else. But, that, as you probably know, is impossible.
The most important thing to remember is to be CONSISTANT as a parent. Do not discipline one day and not the next for the same thing.

Answer 9

every time she does something like that try taking away some of her favourite toys,or don't let her go to something you have planned like the park or grand parents house or playgroup, put her in a time out spot say in the laundry or the bathroom away from you 1 min per year they are old, your wife hasn't done anything wrong and i know this day and age they say don't spank your kids but i reckon t hose people mus have angels for kids cos some times ya just have to spank em ( we did all the above with our daugter)

Answer 10

my son is 3 also. He has a learning disability. We have the "bad boy chair' When he is bad, he has to sit in it. e drag him kicking and screaming if we have to. We sit him in the chair and calmly say that if he calms down, he can get out of the chair and sit with us on the couch. While he is sitting with us, we explain to him why he got in trouble and why it is bad. Before we started this, every day was a battle with him, I felt like all i was doing was spanking and yelling. I still have to spank and yell, but not as often. The trick is to be consistent. She is trying to wear you guys down and if you give up she has won.