How to deal with my mother...?

Question

So, I announced to my mother about a week ago that my guy and I are engaged. Since then, she has been calling me about 5 times a day, sending me many emails, and trying to make bridal decisions for me. She has even tried telling me who my bridesmaids should be and where I should have my wedding. She has said she will be contributing some money towards the wedding, but has not given us an amount or what she plans on paying for. At this point we plan on paying for it ourselves. How can I tell my mother to back off a little? I understand she's excited and just wants to help, but this is getting a little ridiculous...

Answer 1

You've gotta be straight up and tell her exactly what you're saying on here. People deal with honesty a lot better than they do whe someone tries to dance around things. Get it out in the open. It'll be better for you in the long run. Congrats on the engagement! :)

Answer 2

Understandable-those of us who are mothers can be a real pain when it comes to planning weddings. Your mother is just wanting to help, as planning a wedding can be one of the most stressful things you will ever endeavor. Perhaps the kindest and gentlest thing you can say is "thank you mom for all your suggestions, I will take them into consideration." Of course, use your words not mine :-)

Did your mom have a large wedding? small one? elope? I know many mothers who try to make up for the wedding they didn't have by trying to control their daughter's. Just firmly let your mom know that this is Your Big Day and you would like to do the planning. Picking atttendants is a personal thing and should be 100% you and your fiances decisions.

However, sometimes it doesn't hurt to compromise just a little. Think about what is really important and what isn't. Church selection, reception location, attendants are important decisions. The color of table clothes, ribbons on favors and the flavor of punch are small in comparison.

Give your mother a task or two and she will feel involved and perhaps not feel the need to be an "overseer". Find out what she wants to pay for and let her have a larger say in those decisions. Weddings can be stressful enough without arguing with mom. If nothing else, say "yes mom" then go behind the house and scream at the top of your lungs. It's actually good for you - lol

Good luck and best wishes for your big day. (I get to celebrate my 23rd in a few days)

Answer 3

I remember well being the mother of the bride. Being a little pushy is probably something she is not even aware of. She is excited and all you have to do is say mom, we would really like to make those decisions ourselves and we are not quite sure what we want at this time. Stand firm on that if you plan to pay for the wedding yourselves, tell her. If you plan on your family's help in expenses at all, you are going to have to listen to suggestions, however it is your wedding. Let mom know in a nice way that you would like to make your own choices with the help of your guy. The excitement will die down, and you will have the wedding you dreamed of not the one your mom dreamed of. Good luck and stand your ground.

Answer 4

Plan your wedding and then share with Mom.

It sounds likes she is excited more so than trying to control the event.

My mom already explained my wedding to me and I am not yet engaged. I listened and then I said Mom I have some ideas so we can share.

What I will do is allow her to pick out my dress for me because she knows what looks best on me always have and always will..

So, again plan your wedding and then share with her.. She is excited BUT let her know that you have some ideas and together you can work..

Somethings you may have to keep secret IF you think she will oppose. This is your Day but remember your Mom is a very important part AND just wants you two to be happy.

Give her assignments to do and she will. Try to work in peace and slow it down a bit, breathe and have her to do the same.

Enjoy your day and congratulations and again ENJOY!

Answer 5

Wow does this sound like my mom. She's just trying to help, and I'm sure she's very excited, but you definitely don't want her to "take over" your wedding.

My suggestion would be that you are open to her advice, and consider it in an unbiased way. Don't reject things just because she said so, and don't accept them for the same reason.

If you and your fiancee are financially capable of paying for the type of wedding that you want, then I would politely decline her offer to pay, and instead allow her to put the money in a wedding present, if she wants. If you're okay with her trying to make a lot of decisions, accepting the money is fine, but once you accept her contribution towards the wedding, there's always going to be an implied obligation to include her in the planning. Good luck.

Answer 6

Tell her you love her and when you are ready to start making some of those big decisions she will be the first one you will contact. When you make a decision that she doesn't agree with just kindly explain to her why you have decided to do what you are doing. We just had two weddings and, as the mom, it is terribly exciting. Give her a break.. She'll come back down to earth in a few weeks.

Answer 7

Sweetheart, you need to sit her down and tell her exactly how you are feeling. Be open and honest. Sounds like Mom is a little bit excited about the wedding. Tell her you love her very much and want her assistance but at a much slower pace. Give her a list of things you need for her to do and make sure they keep her busy for a while. Like getting together a list of names and addresses of family and friends. Even give her the list and have her look everyone up on the computer to make sure the addresses are correct. Again, give her some busy work and she will be happy. She just wants to be a part of the best day of your life. But it is your day and she needs to understand this. But nice but stand your ground. By the way, congratulations and best wishes!!!

Answer 8

It's the Golden Rule Dear. "She who has the gold makes the rules!" The best way to keep your mother from taking over is to thank her kindly for the thought; but turn down any money from her.
Go with your first mind and pay for your wedding all on your own. Your wedding may be more simple without your mother's financing, but you will have the final vote.
So your mother doesn't feel totally left out, DO ask her opinion and DO let her think that she convinced you to do a thing or two HER way.

Answer 9

She's just excited for you, is all. Since your wedding is as big a deal for your mom as it is for you, she needs to feel involved. To keep peace in the family I suggest you give her certain areas to concentrate on.....such as flowers, or food, or entertainment. You handle the things you want to do yourself, and give her the other stuff. Tell her it's the only way you can keep everything straight. That way maybe she'll let you do your jobs while she does hers, and will stay out of your hair more. Put your foot down on anything you feel strongly about. But be a little tolerant of her though, her baby IS getting married.

Answer 10

Your mom sure sounds enthused. There's no need to hurt her feelings, though. Use your caller I.D.,and only take one call per day, when you have the time. You don't have to respond to every single e-mail. When you are talking to her, and she makes a suggestion, listen to her. If it's a good suggestion, tell her thanks. If it's not, just say "That's a good idea, but Fred and I really want the napkins to be blue." Think of a couple of details that you aren't that concerned about, and ask her opinion. Take her shopping for her mother-of-the-bride dress, etc. Moms love weddings, so give her a couple of jobs to do, to make her feel she is a part of things. Good luck!

Answer 11

I have been married 14 years and I still wish I would have had the wedding that I wanted. I had your typical traditional wedding and the only thing I liked about it was the person I was marrying. Put your foot down now but of course do it without hurting her feelings. Tell her what you want and tell her you would love to involve her but she has to understand you are planning what you want and it is your day. I had people at my wedding that I never met. Here is what my mom said, "its not just about you ya know". Trust me when I tell you if you don't have the wedding you want and how you want it you will regret it.