Sex after a baby?

Question

I just want to know if anyone is having sex like they did before they were pregnant. My daughter is 6 1/2 months and my husband and I have had sex probably 10 times. The first time was after 4 months because I was healing. It took me a while to heal from all that child birth experience. My husband and I fight alot about sex, sometimes I don't even feel like it because I am so tired (of course). It still hurts. It's tight and painful when he puts it in. We can't just have sex like animals anymore, we have to make sure that I am well lubed or turned on. Just recently it felt ok but the past few times it has been painful.

I hear what you all are saying I want to built our sex life back. My daughter goes to bed at 9 so we do have time. However, he works out at 9:30-11, he comes home and showers and by that time it can be 12-1. Sometimes he just wants to have sex and doesn't understand that I am still healing. He doesn't understand that b/c I am nursing it's harder to be lubricated down there. As well as it's harder to be aroused when I am so tired. And when we do have sex I need him to help me be aroused but sometimes he gets frustrated because he just wants to have sex and not work for it and it makes me sad.

I wish my husband would help me clean around the house. After a long day with her I just want to relax before I have to nurse her for her bed time. I just want him to help me but he hardly helps. He tells me that I am home all day and things should be done and he's tired from work. I get very upset at him and I have no idea what else to do.

I've told him about my problems, he knows he was there at the delivery room. We've self examined me during the 4 months that I was healing. He sees the pain I go through when we started to have sex but he still complains or fights with me about it. Just the other days we fought about it. He came home from working out and said to me "lay down and spread your legs" (not in a mean way) and I said I was too tired. He said that he's used to it and that he doesn't care about it anymore because he never gets it anymore. I got pissed. I said that the other day when we had sex i dressed up in a sexy lingery for him. I just want him to romance me. And what saddens me is that he said that he just wants to have sex and romance is not his thing and that he doesn't care for it. I told him that that will help me get into the mood. He said that it's dumb that he has to romance me just to get sex.

Surgery? Really? I didn't know that you can have surgery. When we have sex it feels like something is there and it keeps on being pulled in and out when we do it. Like a loose piece of skin, but we couldn't find it. When we tried the 'doggy style' it hurt like crazy. It even sting when I peed. I don't think we can do that way again. Missionary or me on top are better. Sometimes he forgets and does it fast and that really hurts.

Answer 1

It's completely normal to feel tired, detatched and not in the mood at all. You're a new mommy! That''s exhausting!!! You shouldn't fight with your spouse about making love; perhaps you could sit down and have an honest open conversation about how you feel and that it's difficult for you. My husband has been very understanding- I'm due this Friday and the last thing I'd like to think about it sex. I feel bad because I'm not trying to hurt our relationship but this baby- WE created and if I'm not in the mood to make love, its something we both have to sacrifice. Same goes for you and your hubby- the commitment to having a baby meant making a lot of changes too. Sure, it'd be great to go back to the very first time but you're married, settled and have a beautiful baby daughter to raise now. Making love will have to be something you work on and at, and accept it as it is. Perhaps look at other alternatives (oral, etc) to pleasing one another until it doesn't hurt. You might want to talk to your doctor about it too.

Keep you spirits up- things will work out. Just know that with time comes change. Youve created a beautfiul little girl and sometimes you have to sacrifice things in order to move on to more wonderful things. Best of luck.

Answer 2

I completely understand what you are going through. When we had my first after my first sexual experience with my husband, after the pain subsided, I feel it was the last. It took a long time to even want sex again. I kept thinking about the pain, and didn't think about the closeness I felt with him. I am not sure you will ever have "sex like animals" any more. But I can say it gets much better. We now have 3 and I can say the sex is great. You have to prioritize. If you are not close to your husband, physically, then it can hurt the marriage. Maybe for a while you should schedule sex. That way your husband doesn't feel that he is being turned down for it and you can build up to the idea during the day. Maybe you need to also talk about ways of foreplay during the day to build up to the act. Maybe it is as simple as him emptying the dishwasher (he understands all the work you need to do to finish your day). Maybe it is him buying flowers or kissing your neck and talking.
It will get better. Once I got past the psychological it gets better. Also my dr. told me about astroglide (found at Target and other places). It is the best during this time and makes a world of a difference.
Good Luck

Answer 3

If it's painful, you should stop. You could be hurting yourself. You need to make an appointment with your OB and talk about what's going on.

If you're breastfeeding, the hormones in your body cause you to be very dry in your vaginal area. A good lube (like Astroglide) can help. There are also estrogen creams that you can use to help get yourself aroused. Estrace is the brand name. It's a prescription.

Are you using condoms? Condoms suck. While you're at your OB's office, talk about better birth control that won't interfere with what is going on.

Try to mentally get yourself in the mood before your husband even comes home from work. Think about some of the things about him that used to drive you crazy. Make it XXX rated! It's hard to feel sexy when you're covered with spit up all day, and you still haven't lost the baby weight, and you feel tired and awful. What can you do to feel sexy again? That will help. Remember - sex is 90% mental for us girls... So, while you're rocking the baby, think about the last time he rocked you, if you know what I mean. The baby can't read your mind, and you may find that you're ready to try again once the baby's asleep.

We're not having sex like we used to (my daughter's 18 months old and I'm 8 months pregnant), but it doesn't hurt, and we're not fighting about it. Putting so much pressure on you is just going to make things worse - tell your husband to be patient and try to understand your point of view. But also, you should do all that you can to make sure that you're fully healed and healthy, too. 10 times in 2.5 months isn't bad, for a couple with a small baby. I don't think we've done it twice in that amount of time (again, I'm pregnant... it's a lot harder with a baby and a pregnancy than it was with just a baby or just a pregnancy!!)

Please talk to your doctor. You owe it to yourself to get back in the saddle. Good luck!

Answer 4

My sex life went back to normal straight after my kids. I had a very high libido before I was pregnant and it was higher whilst I was pregnant. It went back to normal after the baby. But I was lucky as I didnt tear or need an episiotomy. So everything was healed in about 2 weeks.
We just didnt do it as often due to having a baby to care for. It was harder after the second because trying to get them to sleep at the same time for a decent period of time was hard.
And thankfully we never fight over sex as we both have the same libido, and he understands that sometimes after caring for two little ones all day I just cant be bothered. So when he wants some, he does housework and lets me nap. That way by bedtime I'm in a better mood and more likely to have sex. He also takes over nightshift with the kids so I can sleep. Which makes for a very happy and well rested Mummy in the morning. So before the kids wake up we have sex and its the best way to start the day. I'm well rested and in a great mood and so is he.
So just let your hubby know that if he wants to get you in the mood, housework will help take some pressure off you or making dinner or bathing and putting baby to bed. Whatever you feel will make you less stressed and more relaxed and rested to actually want sex. That way when Mummy is more relaxed and not stressed she is more likely to put out.

Answer 5

Something about pushing a baby out just messes things up down there for some of us. Also if you are nursing it really messes with the hormones that gets things "lubed" up down there. With every one of my 3 births it's gotten a little more difficult. In spite of everything, as soon as 4-6 weeks after child birth passes I still let him have it whenever he wants. At least then he'll be satisfied in that area, and it won't lead to fights. You can consult a doctor about reconstructive sugery if that would meet your needs, and if you have the money.

Answer 6

After my son was born, our sex life diminished as well. I've figured out that a lot of it had to do with the fact that I just didn't feel sexy anymore, all the post baby weight etc...once he got to be about 18 months I lost all the weight and things got good again...just tell him to be patient your tired and it does take a lot of time for us women to get back to normal after a pregnancy. I would talk to your gyno about the tightness and pain though, because I never had that and I had 4th degree tearing.

Answer 7

honestly, my husband and i do just as much as we used to. we both have extremely high sex drives. we even started back at about a month after i had our twins, i was comfortable enough to do so and wasn't sore or anything.

if you aren't in the mood then dont do it, or if it hurts. try to make things more romantic or something you would go for. have a ''date nite'' for just the two of you every once in awhile, have the baby stay at your parents, or his, something liek that. light some candles, drink some wine, do the foreplay, and maybe give massages. take it slow at first, don't just have him start off all rough. if it starts to hurt, slow down.

but yes it is possible to have sex like you did before, we might even more lol we do at least twice a day, sounds like a lot but we both just have really high needs for it i guess.

Answer 8

People say that sex isn't important but I have to disagree with that statement.

Intimacy is important in any relationship. It's important for us to feel a bond with our partners that no one else has. Intimacy can be anything from sex to snuggling in bed before falling asleep. It's the simplest of things.

Yes, my husband and I do have the same amount of sex that we did before we had our son. It is important to me to make sure even if we aren't having sex that we do have some time to ourselves. I make sure that everything is taken care of during the day so that I can relax at night with him. I started out with a schedule from day one with our son so we know he'll be asleep at 8PM every night. It's important to me to maintain that relationship with my husband that we had before our son came.

I think if you guys just eased into having sex again then things would be better. Are you overwhelmed during the day? Do you have time to relax? If you are overwhelmed and constantly stressed then I really suggest you figure out a routine during the day so that your life is a little less hectic and you do have that time with your husband at night. Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

It's normal to feel that way. You need to make your husband try to to understand---but men really have no point of reference when it comes to childbirth. Arguements and fights are common as well because you are all adjusting to life with a new baby. If it gets too bad, go to a parenting class with him. Maybe they can explain the situation better than you can to him.

Answer 10

Yes, I sex with my boyfriend(not the baby's father), several times a week and I have an 8 month old. I started sexing again 6 weeks after his birth.