When can I give up?

Question

I want to give up finding love, but everyone keeps telling me to keep trying. They keep saying "Don't give up, you WILL find someone special one day" and other similar cliches, they seem to want to deny the fact that some people never find love.

The last time I was with someone I love was about 15 years ago (and that girl ended up cheating on me with 12 different people, hardly a loving relationship), so how long do I have to wait for "one day"??

So why do people tell me not to give up? Do they really want me to make myself even more depressed by facing failure over & over again? I've got a 100% failure rate and the one girl who I thought loved me was just stringing me along and didn't care about me at all! Isn't that a sign that I'm not going to get anywhere?

Please remember, I have tried EVERYTHING, any advice you have, I've already tried and failed.

antra - What do you define as a "good life"? Are saying I should concentrate on my career and becoming successful? If you mean that woman will want me once I'm making a lot of money, then I'd rather give up now. It may seem like a fantasy, but I'd like a woman to love me because of ME, not because of my money. I'm not interested in earning as much money as I can, I work with people with learning disabilities, I get job satisfaction from helping people who need it most and that's far more important to me than my wage. If I take "romance" out of the picture, then I already have a good life.

Kat G - Already tried that. I once thought my problem was I was trying too hard and that I needed to stop focusing on finding love and just let it happen naturally. Tried it for about 3 years, I spent more time having a laugh with my friends and did things I enjoy, like writing music, but all it did ensure I was single during those 3 years. It's a dumb idea, it's like expecting to catch a fish without going fishing.

nendlin - It's not about letting people through. I'm an open person and I don't try and keep things to myself, it's not that I'm unable to get close to a woman (or let them get close to me), I have got a number of female friends that I'm close to, but I always "just a friend". I've even had one girl I liked say I was like a big brother to her, which is not a good sign for romance. By the way, what I actually wanted to know is why no one is prepared to say that I'm right and that I should just give up. If I was trying to do something else and I'd spent all these years without any improvement, then people would tell me it's time to give up, but because it's love people want me to keep trying. Why??

returnofkarlos - No, I don't think I'm a "bit of a catch", no one's going to mistake me for Orlando Bloom. You have one thing right, I am a caring person, so much so that I've made it my job. But that count's for nothing these days, along with the other qualities women "claim" to look for in a man like honesty, loyalty, etc. If that was what women really wanted then I would be a "bit of a catch". Also, I HAVE tried everything. I've tried meeting people everywhere from bars and clubs to the workplace and college. I've even tried using my dog as "bait" when I take him to the park, but he gets all the attention. I've tried dating agencies and never got a single response, I've tried asking friends to introduce me to any single girls they know. I've taken 15 years of advice with people telling me to be myself and take an interest in what the other person says, I've heard it all and tried it all.

All I've managed to do is make a number of female friends, one of them even said I was like the brother she never had, and I've tried starting something with a girl who was already a friend, all I succeded in doing was scaring her off. You say "who says u need a partner", are you serious?? Let me ask you when was last time someone told you they loved you? When was the last time you had sex? Was it 15 years ago? No? Well, try to go without any love for 15 years and then see if you still think you don't need a partner. Sorry to sound rude, but I hate it when people say that. But why do you say don't give up on anything? If I was a boxer in the ring and I was getting a complete beating would you throw in the towel or just let me get killed? Sometimes you have to call it a day and admit defeat and after 15 years I think I'm entitled to give up.

nicemanvery - maybe I worded the question wrong. I'm not asking whether I should give up, I just want to know why so many people have told me I should never give up? Why on earth would someone tell someone else to keep doing something they've been doing for 15 years with no success?? If it was anything else I would have been told to give up years ago, but because it's love they say I should keep going.

Qwikbrownfox - I don't think my value as a person has anything to do with being in a relationship. But can you comprehend how lonely a person can get after 15 years? As for looking back at girls I originally ruled out, that wouldn't work. Anyone I've ruled out, I've ruled out for a reason. I'm not exactly picky (after 15 years I can't afford to be), the only girls I've ruled out are ones I'm related to and my mates wives & girlfriends. So obviously I can't do that.

Answer 1

If you feel entitled to give up why are you asking us , there's no blueprint for life mate , it either happens or it dont !!

Answer 2

Give up now - accept your life the way it is or perhaps look in other areas to meet people - open up new interests and social horizons.

I think you may be a bit serious and intense. You need to forget about 'finding love' and just have a good time in life.

Some people dont find someone but there are other things - your job sounds a really positive thing and that is quite emotionally fulfilling.

Your value as a person is not about having someone around and maybe you wont find someone - but that is not the end of the World if you have friends and others who care about you.

Also, perhaps look at girls you had initially ruled out - you may find that one of those may be the one - no point in imagining some girl will come along with huge sign on head saying 'I'm the one' - that is fairy tale stuff - not reality.

Good luck in your search!!!!!

Answer 3

You know, I think you should give up trying. I don't mean give up wanting love, but stop trying. Sometimes when we want something very badly everything we seem to do pushes what we want farther away. Love always comes when you least expect it and you can't make it happen. So, my advice to you is go back to living your life and try to make your life as good as you can - with friends, with activities, and with doing what pleases you. And if you meet someone, get to know them and enjoy them. If love comes from it it will be natural and true.


*** EDIT *** - Okay, you've given it your best shot. Listen, we all are trying to offer you advice that fits in line with offering you encouragement. Do you really think someone would say to you, "You're right, you've tried everything so I think it's best to give up now?" We all want to believe that every single person can find happiness in a relationship - because the alternative thought is far too hard to accept or even want to think of. There are some people who make it through life alone and they are fine with it after they come to terms. They find fulfillment through friends and maybe even other families. We all dream of happiness and we wish it for everyone. Can you understand that?

Honestly, I don't believe you have 100% failure rate - because that would mean you have never had a date. And you say you have so at the very least you have 50% failure rate because you've dated but not made a permanent relationship. What I would like to know from you is this - did you really love any of these girls or did you just want them to love you??? Do you love people back????? Because if you don't you will never have the relationship you desire. And how on earth did you choose a person who cheated on you with a dozen people - what was in your mind that you even thought this person was a real love?? If you truly do want to have a lasting relationship you need to reassess your values and the type of woman you've been attracted to because obviously there's a gap in reality. If you say you have tried everything then I think you should give up. But if you've had an idealistic idea of what relationships are, if you've been attracted to women who cheat with other people, if you are expecting someone to love you without giving back - then you should try again, only this time put your whole self into the relationship and choose someone you would want as your good friend.

Answer 4

Give up if you want sometimes that actually is the turning point for someone to notice you.. eveyrone is attracted or meets other people in different ways. im sorry to hear your previous girlfriend cheated on you and had such a lack of respect for you and your relationship with her. you sound like a decent genuine guy who just wants to find 'that person' like most people in the world.

yes some people never find love, but maybe they went around it the wrong way like you might be. dont be 'obsessing' over the fact tha tyou dont have a girlfriend/wife/partner. if you start obsessing over it and making it your whole focus and purpose in life you wil never gain a womans interest.

my advice although youve probably heard it again and again, go out wiht some friends to a club, bar, pub, to the park, out for lunch, cafes, movies, parties, jazz clubs, blind dates, theatre, theme parks, anywhere where there are alot of people. thos kinds of places your bound to run into someone and give a passing comment, or meet someone while waiting in line which is always a perfect opportunity to start a convesration with someone. be confident but not cocky, assertive and respectful to women, make sure your appearnce is nice and that you are polite to women and sure enough they will see that you are a nice guy.

theres not really much anyone can say to you which is goign to make you feel better or somehow enlightened, all i can do for you is encourage you to not give up hope because there are plenty of women out there its just a matter of finding the right one one - and by htat i dont mean literlaly 'THE ONE' but dont go out finding ANY woman otherwise you will be used and played for a fool. you dont actually mention if youve had any dates since your last 'relationship' only the fact that your last relationship was 15 yrs ago. im sure if you have had dates in between your still doing better than alot of otehrs, some people out tehre are still waiting on their first date. if you havent actually had a date at all since your last girlfriend, dont make you feel like you are some how insignificant or like you have failed. everyone is different you should never put yourself in the same box as other people.

good luck to you and remember, if you dont have a girlfriend/wife its not the end of the world or the end of your life, life is STILL brilliant and although the world portrays you to only receive happiness when youre with someone, it sometimes is the opposite. you can be happy with your life without having the relationship so dont put so much emphasis on having it, and dont let anyone tell you differently.

Answer 5

i am so sorry you feel like this, relationships and finding love can be hard especially if you have been hurt by someone you love.

i myself feel like this and i have accepted that i rather not to find love as the feeling of getting hurt is just not worth it. i have tried in relationships i'm not clingly, intense don't need to know where he is every minute of the day, i'm not ugly, i have great figure and i am like you a nice person. but i have been hurt very much my first b/f had an affair with a married woman and then when off with my best friend they are now married, my second b/f also cheated on my. i have been with men in between but nothing serious and i am not easy only have ever had sex with b/f's no one night stands. and lately i got with the guy who i have secretly loved for 6 yrs and he end up hurting me and needed even like me as i thought. so yes i to have just given up and no one is ever going to hurt me again.

so if you feel this is the best for u and this is what you want and makes u happy well that's all that matters so all the best and tell those friends that all these cliches are so heart breaking as they are and you are fed up hearing them and accept your decision that you want to remain single.

all the best and enjoy your life .

Answer 6

Maybe your expectations are set to high, Im having the same problem. I just started looking online not the greatest advice but while im looking im looking more into what they wright then there looks. EX. if they are into cowtipping and Im not maybe if i just give it a try i might find someone or something new that I like. Good luck im in same boat and it feels like its sinking as I get older 33

Answer 7

****...always come up with an answer to those negative thoughts that you have!..for every negative-you have a possitive! we(humans) evolve...o.k. at the minute you sound like you've had a reality check and you think that allround you're a bit of a **** catch??...the fact that you're questioning yourself tells me that you're a caring person to start with(top quality!)just believe in life and chill...it's such a complex ting!i bet your youngish....let me know....anyway who says u need a partner?? find you first!o yeah...nobody's tried everything!!! compare your situation to someone with a real shitty life...never ever ever give up(that's for everythin!) fight on!!

Answer 8

why ask then you must feel theres something somewhere you havent tried.Im in a wheelie hun im 45 and epileptic I live in N/I and all my family live in England.At some point you have to let someone through even I did so maybe just start looking for incentives instead of advise listen to other peoples odds and fears coz if I can you can!!!!

Answer 9

most often we find someone when we arent actively looking, as we can look desperate which puts people off, develop a social life, go and live a little, a woman finds a man interesting and attractive when theyre confident and happy, good luck

Answer 10

stop looking and be happy building a good life for you they will then want you trust me