10 pts - what is the funniest joke you have ever heard?

Question

ever in your life

Answer 1

heres a bunch...
Osama bin Ladden didn't think that he was getting enough news time so he sent a message to the White House that read 370H$$V0ll3H. Bush couldn't figure it out so he sent it to Rice. She didn't understand it so she sent it to the FBI. The FBI didn't get it so they sent it to the British. They told the President to read it upside down.


370H$$V0ll3H



The FBI was hiring for a high position and after basic training they had three people left, two men and a woman. They asked the first man to come to HQ and told him,"Your wife is in the next room, we need you to take this gun and shoot her". He wouldn't do it so they sent him home. They asked the next man the same thing but he said he couldn't do it so they sent him home. Then the woman came and they gave her a gun and told her that her husband was in the next room and needed to be shot. She went in and there were clicking noises then crashing noises in the room. She came out and said,"The gun was loaded with blanks so I had to kill him with the chair".


There was this guy stranded in the desert and he sees this guy with two camels coming. He asks for one of them and he says "Ok but hes a weird One you have to say 'go' to make him stop and 'raise the lord' to make him go or go faster". So he kept saying 'praise the lord' to make him go faster. Then he saw a cliff ahead and yelled,"STOP, STOP, GO!!!!!!!", and the camel stopped at the edge of the cliff."Praise the Lord"

Answer 2

A True Australian Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and . wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub.
They, like John, were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce .. there's that f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Answer 3

there replaced right into a guy sitting at a bar, whilst unexpectedly he reached interior his jacket, and have been given out a miniture piano. It replaced into approximately 10 inches severe. The barmen regarded over, curious. Following this, the guy reached interior his jacket back and delivered out slightly guy! It replaced right into a tiny, genuine existence guy, approximately 10 inches severe. The tiny guy sat down and started to play the piano brilliantly, like a expert. ending the 1st music, the barman replaced into a great deal surprised! "how in the international did you get that!" He asked the guy. the guy spoke back: nicely, i stumbled on a genie in a bottle, yet he replaced right into slightly deaf. enable's in simple terms say i did not precisely ask for a 10 inch pianist. *Edit* I remembered yet another: A pregnant female replaced into having an ultrasound whilst her healthcare expert asked "will the daddy be present day on the beginning?" the girl spoke back "No, he and my husband do not somewhat get alongside." hehe desire those made ya chortle

Answer 4

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Answer 5

A blonde was driving down the highway very slowly, so a cop pulled her over. The cop walked up to the car and said, "Do you know how fast you were going"
And the blonde replies, "Yeah, 18 sir."
"The speed limit is 60, it is dangerous to be going this slow"
"But the sign back there said the speed limit was 18."
"Mam, that was the highway sign" as the cop said this he noticed 3 quivering girls in the back. He has to the blonde, "What is wrong with them?"
The Blonde responded, "Well, we just got off Highway 177"

Answer 6

how about this one. I've told it to some people on here but perhaps you haven't heard it yet

A married couple were leaving from a picnic party at about 6 on a friday evening. Beforhand, they had a really bad arguement over who knocked over the punch bowl.
So they decide without saying a word, to have a competition on who can give the longest silent treatment. They arrive home at about 8 and still not a word to say to each other.The husband realizes that their alarm clock broke and he doesn't want to go out again but he has an essential buissness meeting about 8 in the morning across the country.
he knows his is wife likes to get up early and do her own duties so......
Given the fact that he has already lost, the man writes on a piece of paper to his wife,"Can you let me know when it's 5am" and lays it on her side of the bed and goes off to sleep.



Well the next day, the man wakes up and looks at the clock and it reads 12:07pm. Furiously, the man jumps up and he notices a piece of paper drop on the floor.
He reads it.
It said, "It's 5am, Wake up!!"

Answer 7

Don't know if it's the funniest, but it's one of my favorites

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in
Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.

In the mean time: In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

Answer 8

A barber decides that he id going to witness to the first person who enters his shop. A man walks in and says he wants a shave, so he sits in a barber chair. The barber gets his Bible, says a quick prayer, lathers the man up, puts the razor on the man's neck and says, "Sir, are you ready to die?"

Answer 9

how many drunk monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
i dont know!