Does anyone think I am being too harsh on my adopted son?

Question

I have a 10 year old adopted son whom I have raised the past 4 years. After several attempts to correct his behaviors, he continues to steal from me and others, touch others innappropriately, act aggressive towards others, and use very very bad language. He has received weekly therapy and phyciatry help but he refuses to behave. Knowing him better than anyone else, I know for a fact that he knows better and is capable of doing very well. He is actually very intelligent. Well I have just recently made the decision to send him to military school before he gets more out of hand but people keep telling me that I am being too harsh. What do you think?

Thanks to all of your responses and to note: I HAVE spoken to him over two dozen times and have also explained to him that his behaviors are not acceptable. He just stands there looking at me with a smirk on his face as if hes mocking me. I dont know, but ive been told that all he needs are some good whippings but I refuse to go that route. I dont even do that to my bio kids. My mom use to spank and hit the crap out of us when I was young and it hurt too much to repeat that cycle. And to the person who thinks he is getting that language from my household, if we were a bad family, we would have never been allowed to adopt!! Extensive research would have found that. Thanks a million to all who understand!

Answer 1

Hell to the no!!!! If he were my son he would definitely be getting his butt whooped but then again, I understand where your coming from. I have experience in foster care and I would definetly say that he is taking advantage of you because he knows you arent going to spank him. They think..."oh well, what are they going to do to me, hit me?". Kids like this are so use to the system that they think they can get away with murder. Control him NOW and show him that he is yours now, not the states! Dont let him mock you this way!!!!!

Answer 2

Yes, that is being too harsh.

He is angry and lashing out.

Instead of finding what he is angry about and solving in that way. You are just trying to correct the behavior to what you want it to be, with out even knowing what is causing the behavior.

Before you can fix the car, you have to know what is wrong with it. Able to pay for it, you have to know whether it is manufacture or if it is broken from old or new owner's faults!

Lets see, you had him for 4 years and adopted at that.

1) He prob came from an abusive home (aggressive).

2) Does not get the right type of good influence on him when it comes to language. (Your house hold or other kids cuss around him. He won't know the language unless he hears it!).

3) He was molested. (touch others inappropriately).

4) Steal......from past bad influence and attention. Does it out of anger.

Need to give him the right behaviorist, not a therapist!

Also, giving him some time at a boys camp who specializes in pre teen boy's behaviors and past difficulties.

Answer 3

I'v was charged in over a dozen cases as a teen violent with the police by 15. Absolutely do not give up on this child. When you know you'r in over your head.....definintely get him help...military school or otherwise. My folks did, I'm sure....absolutely sure its the only thing that kept me alive! Boys become men. If you think he's agressive now, just wait till hes 250 lbs. and pissed. break him now! It should have been done around age 2 or 3 but it sounds as if you didn't have an influence then. GOD BLESS YOU! He will thank you later. You were the one to get him what he needed no matter what. Stay in his corner, with a firm reproach. . .



I'm doing well now, not a mean bone in my body, it passes..........dont expect it to pass soon though.

Answer 4

Lilly D, It's hard to give you advice, not really knowing your situation so feel free to disregard whatever I say.

That being said, it seems like your son really needs to be heard some how. All these different ways in which he's acting out says something. The normal reaction for us, as adults correct the action, but perhaps understanding what causes that reaction, especially when we know that he "knows better". If there was a way to listen to what he's trying to 'say' through his actions, that might help.

I'm not sure about military school, you do what you have to, but that might be a way that alienates him more and makes it harder for you to hear him. I pray everything works out. God bless.

Answer 5

Kids tend to hate military school to no end. While your decision seems appropriate, you might want to consider that he's going to hate you more than ever for doing such a thing to him.

He might feel abandoned. After all, you adopted him at age 6 and then at age 10 can't take any more of him and dump him at military school.

That is how he might feel.

However, his behavious does seem appalling. You should talk to him about it and tell him the consequences that will arise UNLESS he improves himself. Let him make the decision to go to military school indirectly. Warn him and let him make what he wants of the situation.

I'm sure he knows that what he is doing is wrong, and I don't think that this is due to him wanting to "test" you. Testing you is different whereby they'll push you to the limits by misbehaving and throwing tantrums...but "touching other inappropriately" and "Stealing" is something else all together!

Maybe if a psychaitrist isn't working, take him off it. Then speak to him yourself. Check out the crowd he hangs with at school. If their the bad sort, transfer him to a prep school where the kids tend to be better behaved.

As a last resort, let HIM make the decision of going to boarding school, because he won't change.

Answer 6

You're doing the right thing. I know two families that had out of control boys, they went to military school, came home, and are different kids. Don't back down. This boy had problems that you didn't know about when you adopted him. I've worked for a school district for 15 years, this child would be a real problem in our school. He would be in an out-placement facility in our school district, would not last in public school.

Answer 7

No your not I think you are making the right decision. Stop and think would you do this with your biological children? If so then you are doing the right thing. I myself have told my 13 year old son if I find out that he is using any type of illegal drug I will ship him off to military school without hesitation and he is my biological son. Don't feel bad I think you are making a wise choice. Good Luck and I'm sure in the long run he will appreciate everything you have done for him. You are saving his life.

Answer 8

take control NOW. the issue is not rather or not you gave birth to the child or not. you are showing love for the child. if you do not get him under hand now you will regret it later. you dont want to look back and think "if i would have only done something maybe he wouldnt have done this". he will thank you in the long run for giving him an opportunity to make himself a better person. you have done everything possiable he has pushed this step upon hisself after refusing to accept the alternatives.

Answer 9

I think if you truly love this child then you must do everything you can to help him. If this school will give him the structure and discipline he needs then do it before he becomes an angry out of control teen or adult. No one walks in your shoes so the next time someone tells you you are being to harsh ask them if the want to take him for a few days. That will make them be quiet! Good Luck!

Answer 10

Absolutely not. If you have exhausted all other options you need to do what is best for him and for the people around him. He may not like it now but he will thank you for it later. My husband was a not so nice guy when he was a boy and now he is the best husband and the best father for my kids that I could ask for. What turned him around....military training. Good luck and don't feel bad for your decision you know that you would never do anything if it wasn't in your sons best interest.